Friendship: because parent sneed play dates too

Cultivating friendship in the adult years can be surprisingly tricky. But parents need play dates too.

How many play dates have you made for your child in the past year? Probably not as many as in a usual year, granted. But I am willing to bet for most of us we’ve spent a good deal of time sorting our kids social lives, but not our own.

I invite you to reflect on the state of your friendships. Not how many you have. Not how many social occasions you get invited to. But do you have at least one friend with whom you can share the good, bad and ugly of who you are, and they can do the same with you?

Cultivating friendship in the adult years can be surprisingly tricky. For many years through our childhood, adolescence and young adulthood we are in spaces where we are thrown together with others our own age, playing team sports together, going through more or less similar experiences. Primary school, high school, tertiary education and first jobs are quite uniting as we progress together. Once we run out of these shared spaces that keep us together, we start to discover the people we really want to make an effort to build friendship with. Often what can happen at this point is we prioritize romantic relationships and sometimes even sacrifice friendships in the process.

“If you prioritize only your romantic relationships, who is going to hold your hand through a breakup? Relying on your spouse to be your everything will definitely undo your marriage. No one human can meet your every single emotional need. If you only prioritize your kids, what happens when they’re grown and living far away, wrapped up in their own lives? Or if you only prioritize work? Wow, that’s too sad to even contemplate.”

― Aminatou Sow & Ann Friedman, Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close

Once the functional aspect of a friendship falls away, when whatever it was that brought you together is gone, what is left? Real, deep friendship should be built on something beyond convenience and proximity. Friendships of substance take work, like any good relationship, and surprise! a desire to spend time in one another’s company!

“Just as there are conditions for creating a Big Friendship, there are also some ways to make sure it stays big over many years. Emily Langan, the professor who applied attachment theory to close friendships, told us that staying attached to a close friend can be boiled down to three main things: ritual, assurances, and openness.”

― Aminatou Sow & Ann Friedman, Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close

Here’s a little challenge for you. If you’re happy with your friendships and their depth and how you are in them, then wholly and fully celebrate that, and let those friends know! Tell them what you love and appreciate about them.

If you’re not happy with where your friendships are at, then think about what exactly you’re not happy with. Is it something you could work on, or are you putting effort in the wrong places?

What are your friendship goals for 2022? Write them down, think about how to go about achieving them. Who do you want to deepen your friendship with in the next year? Who do you simply want to spend a little more time with? In what ways can you be a much more intentional friend to others?

This is also dedicated to one of my newest friends Sands, who has been proved to me that friendships don’t have to be long in years to be deep and meaningful.

PS: Yes, I know I can’t seem to stop referencing Brene Brown. These are not sponsored mentions, I promise!