Try softer
After the year we’ve had, no make that the last two years we’ve had, this is not the time to try harder to do better. This is the time to try softer.
I’ve been intrigued by a phrase a friend of mine has been using, “try softer”, based on a book she is reading by the same title, written by Aundi Kolber . I personally haven’t read it yet, but from everything I have heard, it’s definitely on my list. I’ve picked my friend’s brain a little to mine what she’s discovered from reading this book.
After the year we’ve had, no make that the last two years we’ve had, this is not the time to try harder to do better. This is the time to try softer. We are living in times of pandemic fatigue, and we need to think about ways to conserve and gather our energy for the days ahead as we are certainly nowhere near out of the woods just yet.
How often have you told yourself (or been told) to try harder to do better? And if you do better, life will be better. And if you try really hard enough, you will get there. And if you don’t get there, you obviously weren’t trying hard enough. Did you ever get caught in this thought cycle? Or maybe it’s embedded in the values you grew up with, always pushing yourself to try harder to do better or being pushed by your parents. Maybe it’s something you find yourself telling your kids now.
When we try harder, we’re generally working on externals and not focusing inward on our own responses and process. We ignore the signals our body is trying to send us, we don’t slow down because we absolutely have to try harder to do better to get there… Sound familiar?
Trying harder to do better sets us up for burn out and disconnection. Trying harder triggers the perfectionist or people pleaser in us, the need to “get things right” and to look good, in order to gain approval, recognition and validation and results. Needing recognition or approval is not wrong, it’s human. But these do come from outside of ourselves and being driven only by externals is ultimately not nurturing for our souls. We lose part of ourselves if we only ever make decisions based on what other people say and think, or only for results.
Photo by Ashley Whitlatch
A trying softer approach to life enables us to take a look at what needs to be done, and reflecting for ourselves on what is for me now, and what is for me at all – regardless of externals including other people’s approval. (This can be way harder to do than say!)
Trying softer means being mindful of when we are not entirely comfortable, when our body is giving us signals of overwhelm or overstimulation and taking time to take stock and be present to that. It means stopping to notice where we are being challenged, and not trying to fix it, but maybe asking ourselves a couple of questions; This is important, but is it for me now? Is it for me at all? Could this wait for another day or time, does it have to be done now?
I have a wise friend who is fantastic and intentional about what she chooses to take on in her life. She will often say “These are all good things, but I am going to focus on X for now.” Her reasoning is not selfish, often her decisions benefit her family as well as others. But she knows herself, she knows her capacities and limits and makes decisions on this basis. She stewards her own levels of energy well because she listens to her body and she notices when she has taken on too much, and when she needs to say no. This is an example of a try softer approach.
In this coming Christmas and holiday season, given that there is a certain level of exhaustion for most of us, think about how you could try softer for your own sake and that of your family. So, instead of trying to create “the best Christmas ever” (to counteract the difficulties of the last year), think about what you really want and need. Have a family meeting and chat through what you would like to happen as a family. How you can all have the most fun and enjoyment through the festivities? How can you help one another so that the load is shared? What are you going to say yes to as a family? What are you going to say no to? What does your family really need at this time? You can list all the wishes and dreams of the family, it’s always fun to dream, but then choose what is realistic given energy levels, finances and time.
Where you have little ones who you still want to create a magical experience for, think through realistically what is enough for them? Remember, joy is often found in the most simple things. And definitely remember, your presence is most desired and joy-giving for them.
