Celebrating Mylestones
My(le)stones. Milestones that are about My journey. They could also be My-stones, steps on the journey.
Myelstones, I didn’t spell it wrong, I just made up a new word. My(le)stones. Milestones that are about My journey. They could also be My-stones, steps on the journey.
It may be because April in our family is a month of birthdays, but I have been thinking about milestones and the importance of really celebrating them.
I have worked with many children experiencing anxiety over the last two years. Anxiety fuelled by the pandemic and related issues, as well as loss and trauma. Celebrating milestones/mylestones with children who feel turned inside out with anxiety can be significant at the right time. Anxiety really does a number on children’s brains, messing with clear thinking, creativity, performance, social relationships and even play.
Anticipatory anxiety can be huge and ruin an experience ahead of time due to the “worry brain” taking over. The good news is that our brains can be trained to not give in to the worry, new neural pathways can be laid and practiced. We can live from a place of increasing joy and freedom rather than worry and anxiety.
Connection with trusted people and safe spaces to learn how to do this is really important. Ongoing support to reinforce the learning is key, and this is where celebrating milestones/mylestones can come in!
Recently I had one such celebration session with a child who is in every way competent and wonderful, but sometimes her worry brain takes over. Seemingly simple things to others become huge obstacles and blocks to her. We worked through an anticipated event a couple of weeks ago, and then got to celebrate the moments she was proud of herself for in our follow up session together, after the event.
I asked her to make herself a certificate – with free creative license – on what she is most proud of herself for over the anticipated event. Freedom to celebrate absolutely anything she was proud of herself for, and without being humble!
I made a certificate for her too. Here is the result of mine. (I won’t share hers for privacy reasons).
I do want to come back to my statement above that timing is important in celebrating mylestones. It is not helpful to be celebrated over every tiny achievement every day. This can end up diluting the overall effect of the achievement and thus not be a celebration at all. Furthermore, it can place a lot of pressure on the child to continue “achieving” at the level they think is required. Some children judge themselves harshly and assume their trusted adults judge them in the same way. They can find themselves constantly “falling short” in their minds, which does nothing to diminish anxiety.
If you see your child do something that usually their anxiety would prevent them from doing, you could start the conversation about it when you are alone with them, and when things are relatively calm. “I noticed that you took a few deep breaths before you had to speak to the new kid. Well done for remembering to do your breathing like we practiced. How did it work out for you in that situation?”
Having a conversation with a child about how they feel things went, what they learned from it, and what they are proud of themselves for is a starting point. We could see something and want to blurt it out to them, but when we follow their lead then we can match their pace and their level of enthusiasm rather than overpowering them with our reaction.
If your child has been through a particularly anxiety-provoking experience, maybe consider talking through it with them when the time is right. Keep it simple, warm and light and be led by your child.
