Transitions, transitions
It seems to be that time of the year when transitions are on the horizon. House moves, job moves, school moves… a lot of these type of transitions may be coming up that could impact the whole family.
Transitions can be really tough. Sometimes transitions leave me in a limbo space because there is now, where I am still needing to do what I need to do and yet there is also the new that is creeping into the now. And sometimes it’s hard to know what to focus on. The new can be really exciting, so much so that the now can feel mundane. We want the transition to happen already!
And then there’s the other side of the story… when we love the now and we’re not looking forward to the new so much at all. The new may be compelling reason to change, but leaving what you have now is hard.
I attended 7 different schools growing up, so I have been through a number of transitions! Transitions involve a whole lot of feelings and experiences at the same time including (and certainly not limited to) expectation, dread, excitement, fear, sadness and loss. Helping your children navigate all those same feelings adds another layer of complexity to life during a transition.
The new
When we’re making decisions as an adult, we go through a whole process both externally and internally, as well as in relationship with our significant other(s). Consider that this whole process may take anything from years to hours for us. At some point we need to share it with our children. Bear in mind when you announce a transition, your child only then starts processing the information as they are able to. This may take them some time. Don’t be surprised if they don’t jump on board straight away. Their questions are a way to help them process and understand what it all means for them. Their acting-out behaviour may be their protest, a way to tell you “I just don’t want this change!!!” They need time, and they need you to be with them in their process and in helping them with all those emotions.
The younger the child, the more concrete the decision should be before you make any big announcements. It is not helpful to talk about “Dad might be getting a new job, and you might be moving schools.” Rather, wait until you know dad has the new job and what the exact implications are for the children. Announcing more concrete plans is also helpful for children of all ages who suffer from anxiety, as uncertainty fuels anxiety.
About right now
With our family’s about-to-happen, but not-yet transition I have moments of struggling with what to focus on right now. Anyone else?
The to-do list is long. The logistics can feel overwhelming. But transitions are about our hearts and minds as much as they are about the practicalities. Sometimes we use the practicalities to bury our emotions and thoughts. This is fine, and functional for us, to a point. Getting going with logistics can help us to channel our excitement or anxiety into action.
But don’t stop there. Perhaps in the now, there’s a balance we could strike of when to get busy with planning and action, and when just to pay attention to our “transition emotions”!
How do we help our children to live now when we feel like we’re in-between spaces? If the transitions do involve leaving loved ones, planning for how to say goodbye and planning to stay connected are really important things to be doing. As the reality sinks in, giving permission for time to process loss and sadness is also really important.
It’s a good time to talk about finishing things well. The end of something is often when many of us struggle, because we may have already checked ourselves out of now in order to protect ourselves from tough goodbyes! But finishing well is a major life-skill that we can practice and help our children learn in transition. It involves doing the hard things; saying goodbye properly, telling people what they mean to you, deciding to be present to the very end.
Now can feel really hard when you’re ambivalent or outright nervous about the transition. Make sure you take stock of all of your emotions, journal them, or speak them out. Don’t try to ‘fix’ anything in a transition in yourself. Transition is about your process, not about something being broken. (Of course there are transitions brought about tragically and suddenly, over which we have no control. But that is not the type of transition I’m talking about this time.)
Wishing you beautiful take-offs and soft landings if you’re in transition right now.
