Holding space
This is what holding space looks like.
This is where kids store their special, ongoing Lego projects in my office. On a shelf out of sight to most others who come and visit me. This is an illustration of how we can hold space for children while they’re still in the middle of their process, while they’re still figuring stuff out.
This shelf is not just a storage space. It’s a really intentional holding place. I ask the kids who’ve created something with Lego if they’d like to put it safely away somewhere, if they want to work on it some more next time. They have the option not to, and that’s also completely fine. But when a child feels invested and not yet done with their creation, I let them know that I honour that.
During this week I sat with one particular child who chose to play Lego, and watched him just settle. It felt like those snow globes that you shake up, you know? When you stop shaking, the flakes slow down and eventually stop swirling. He came in wound up and left…settled. He’s usually a chatty kid. This day, he said almost nothing. I sat beside him on the floor, just being with him, holding space for him to silently process. My non-verbal communication was ‘I’m here if you want to chat. But I’m ok with being silent and just being with you.’
Holding space might feel like a bit of a jargon term, and that’s why I wanted to talk about it. It may sound like jargon, but really means something. I looked at my growing Lego collection made by several children in the last couple of weeks and it really struck me just how important it is for us to understand what it is and how we can do it everyday with our own children.
Holding space is moving away from the need for completion or resolution in a certain time frame, and rather noticing and joining with a child’s pace and process.
Holding space is sometimes keeping quiet for a time, when we’re so tempted to always fill the air with talk. Talk and negotiation and planning – they get things done, right?! Yes, but sometimes no. Sometimes we have to simply hold space, and keep quiet! Sometimes we have to hold ourselves back from being the fixer and just be the one showing up.
Holding space is also providing appropriate boundaries where needed. For example, an anxious child may struggle with bed time, but you hold space for them when you work on the bedtime routine and co-regulate with them. You help them come to calm and get the much-needed sleep that helps to mitigate against increasing anxiety.
Holding space is like the Lego jumble, it all looks like a great big mess, but when you give your children enough time and space they can create something amazing with it. Holding space is being available to help, but waiting to be asked. It’s accepting your child’s abilities and limitations and allowing them to grow at their own pace.
You can do it too. You can hold space for your child in what they’re going through right now.
