The pre-schoolers

When they come to the playroom and realise they are given a lot of control of what happens within safe limits, they take full advantage and become the little dictators they knew they were born to be.

Play therapy with pre-schoolers

They are very, very funny without meaning to be at all. Because language and time are not things they’ve mastered yet, they end up saying brilliant things all the time. I try really hard to recall everything they say that makes me laugh (discreetly, of course), but often the stream of consciousness is coming so thick and fast, I can’t keep up!

However, I will share these nuggets I have managed to retain or write down!

I asked a 5 year old what his 3 wishes are, he said

“I wish I was an adult to relax at home and take my children to the beach.” (If you’re an adult and this is not your life, maybe you’re doing something wrong??)

“I wish my mom would let me play on my phone for 9 minutes.” (9 minutes, 2 seconds, 4 hours…it’s all the same to them!)

Another 5 year old told me her mom had just got a new car called a “Sootybooty”. Turns out it’s a Suzuki.

Serious question to me: Do you know what porridge is?

One boy decided to educate me on the difference between honey and syrup – “Honey is made by bees you know.” “You know what I like, I like to put honey on crackers.” (thinks) “You know what I call that? Honey crackers!”

At one point or another I will get to discuss toileting with them and not of my choice at all. There have been several emergency dashes to the toilet. Because once they realise they have to go, it has to happen right now. They have no inhibitions, so I am forever closing the door saying “I’m waiting right on the other side of the door.”

And the messy play… oh my word. It’s gloriously tactile and sensory, they inhabit their bodies and senses in very real ways…but it is messy.

They are also quite bossy. “No, don’t do that, do this.” “Stand over there.” That kind of thing. I’m very compliant.

But I love all these things and more about these children. They’re in such a brilliant phase of their childhoods that can bring so much joy but also so much pain for themselves, and the adults around them.

A pre-schooler with totally inhibited behaviour is a red flag. They should be bossy, opinionated and “out there” in their actions and experiences. This is the phase in which they are exploring, their individual identities are really taking shape, they’re testing out different behaviours and versions of themselves.

They also don’t have much decision-making power in the household on a daily basis, by virtue of their age and the fact that there isn’t much in their pre-frontal cortex yet (where logic and reason reside). Hence, when they come to the playroom and realise they are given a lot of control of what happens within safe limits, they take full advantage and become the little dictators they knew they were born to be.

Just kidding!

But it is very affirming and novel for children when an adult is available to them one on one and following their The reason it is important is that what it leads to is safe discharge of the big feelings that got them into play therapy in the first place. If they know I can handle them being bossy, and being in control, but that I am actually in charge of making sure we’re ok, then they know I will be ok with whatever emotions they need to work through.

What does your pre-schooler need from you?

A lot of patience. Some of them need alot ALOT!! As I said above, pre-schoolers are quite opinionated and tend to have strong wills. They don’t have much in the way of logic and reason, and therefore you can’t appeal to logic and reason. Which brings me to the next point.

Help them build emotional intelligence. They experience the world through their senses and emotions. Talk to them about feelings, name feelings, name sensations they feel in their bodies, read books about feelings… you get the picture. Start very simply; mad, sad, bad, happy, excited. Some children have a much wider range of emotional vocab, but for most you can start with the basics. Talking about feelings and how to cope with them gives them permission to deal with feelings in positive ways. Being there for their feelings helps to build calm, regulated children.

Give consistent, firm boundaries with lots of love. They do feel safer when they know you’re in charge, but they will test your in-chargeness because that’s part of how they learn where the boundaries are. Decide your non-negotiables in your family and stick with those. Make the realistic and obtainable for your child’s age and capabilities. Don’t try and set up rules in a moment of discipline, think about them when you are calm, discuss them with your partner and be on the same page (although not ganged up against your child!).

They need less screen time. Many pre-schoolers are having way in excess of the recommended half an hour a day. This impacts their play which is the primary way that they learn. Excessive screen time also impacts eye tracking, posture and both small and large motor skills, not to mention critically important social skills which build emotional intelligence.

They need you to play with them! If you have a pre-schooler you may also have a baby and/or an older child too. You’re in the thick of it all. But make time to play with your pre-schooler. It makes all the difference in the world to how regulated they are, and it will strengthen your relationship with them. Start with 15 minutes a day to play, screen free (for you and your child), making yourself available to be face to face and present.

You’re probably busy either with several children, or work or both. You can bring play into some of your tasks for example at meal prep time, you could invite them to “help” you in the kitchen, ask them to wash the dishes (non-breakables, soapy warm water and a sponge will help them feel useful, but also they’ll be close to you while you cook and meaningfully engaged). Baking is a favourite activity for pre-schoolers. It’s a real task in patience, but it is such a nurturing side-by-side activity and they learn LOTS in the process.

Be realistic about your expectations. Understand that your pre-schooler is not able to explain themselves and their behaviour. They “just do” because their ability to self-regulate is still developing, as is their impulse control. They do what looks and feels good at the time. You will need to repeat boundaries and rules multiple times before they remember and can recall rules in the moment.

Give them opportunities to master tasks. Don’t do everything for them. Some frustration and stress is a helpful motivator to learning, but if you keep a casual eye on them and see that they’re not coping with their feelings, ask if there is anything you can do to help. Reflect back to them what you see happening; “I can see you’re really working hard to learn how to tie your shoe laces, but it is hard work to learn something new. I can see you’re feeling frustrated/mad. I wonder if you need any help, or would you like to take a break and come and try a bit later?”

Resource

A psychology-duo have a website called com dedicated to to pre-schoolers. Their speciality is actually toddlers, however, from what I’ve seen the principles they teach in their courses and social media are very translatable to older children too. Their instagram @biglittlefeelings is packed with examples of toddler/preschooler behaviour and responses. If you’re not sure what to say or how to say it to certain behaviours, it’s really helpful to watch some of their videos.

How is it going with your pre-schooler?? Most importantly, how are you?