Beating the back to school blues

We’re heading back to school for term 3 in South Africa in just a few days. In these past two years, some children have really battled with separation anxiety.

Separation anxiety can be incredibly difficult to deal with because it can be very dramatic. Cue child clutching onto you, or the school gate, screaming “Nooooooo. Don’t leave me.” Can there be a more heart-wrenching scenario that triggers a parent’s guilt? I am abandoning my child when clearly they don’t feel safe and they need me. What kind of parent am I?

Separation anxiety is triggered by the child feeling that the transition from home to school is somehow not safe. They often feel something bad is going to happen to themselves and/or their parents if they are separated. This is not necessarily logical and a child cannot usually put it into words.

What’s interesting is that the children I have worked with have liked school and been fond of their teachers. School itself is often not the issue. Being apart from familiarity and home is the issue. Teachers will report that once the child is in the classroom, they settle very quickly and are able to work and interact as usual (in most cases).

Don’t try to make your child explain their anxiety. Accept that you simply might not be able to understand on a cognitive level something that appears to have no explanation (Clear as mud? Well, maybe it is to your child as well and you’re both just trying to wade through it!)

Here are some things to try if you have a child anxiously anticipating a return to school.

Preparation

Preparation for separation is important, but keep it light. Over the weekend you could talk about getting ready for school and doing some preparation together. This could be doing some shopping or packing the school bag together. Talk about the importance of getting ourselves ready for the new things, including the new term. Ask them about what they’re looking forward to. Maybe it’s seeing friends again, or the sport they’ll be playing. Focus on the positive and the enjoyment of it.

You don’t have to keep having this conversation until they accept it. If you talk about preparing for school and they’re anti it, let it go and come back to it later. You could say “I can see you don’t want to talk about this now. That’s ok. But we do need to get ready.” Leave it at that a re-visit the preparation conversation when they’re calm at another time.

Validate feelings

Notice your child’s mood/reaction to returning to school and validate it. “I can see you’re worried about going back to school. I am here if you want to talk about it. Let me know when you’re ready.”

Have clear plans

It helps children to know the “story of their day”, so what is happening at the beginning, middle and end of the day. For example, the plan of how they are getting to school, what they have to eat for a snack, what sport they’re going to play, and who is picking them up after school.

Separation ritual

Decide on how you’re going to say goodbye to one another beforehand. You could develop a short “secret handshake” for example. Keep it brief, long lingering goodbyes don’t help a child with separation anxiety. Saying something positive and familiar everyday at goodbye time is helpful too, such as “You’re a star. You’ve got this!” with a smile and a thumbs up.

My husband used to tell the kids to “Please let the other kids win the cutest kid competition today at school.” On questioning after school, of course ours always reported winning the (very fictitious) cutest kid in school competition! It’s a pity they’ve outgrown this one, but man, they were cute!

Teacher reinforcements

If you’re able to, communicate with your child’s teacher and let them know your child is anxious. One teacher I spoke to has a subtle hand signal she uses with a particularly anxious child, which she and the child agreed to use if the child was feeling overwhelmed. She reported that the mere fact that the child is able to communicate non-verbally is very powerful, and that when she acknowledges the hand signal and responds, this is very validating and calming for the child.

Comfort objects

There are numerous ways of reminding your child that they are loved and that they’re not alone, even when they’re at school. One mum sent her grade 1 child to school with a locket that she bought him for this purpose. It opened and he could fit it in his pocket and look at it any time he needed to. He was quite enchanted with the idea of “treasure” in general and so the locket was treasure from his mom to remind him of her love, and that she would be fetching him after school.

You might decide on some small object that fits in your child’s pocket that they can squeeze or look at during the day. Make sure it won’t be a train smash if they lose the object, something too precious may cause massive drama if lost. Something that could be made with little cost at home, such as a stress ball, could work well. You can make a stress ball with a balloon and flour. Pour flour into a flaccid balloon until it feels firm, and tie it up.

You could draw matching symbols, such as a heart, on your hand and your child’s hand. The hearts are “charged” by hugging or holding hands in the morning before school. If the child feels anxious during the day, they can press the heart and be reminded of all the hugs and cuddles “charged” into the heart.  This can help a child feel very connected to their parents through the day, serving as a reminder that they are loved.

Make sure with comfort objects that it is acceptable to the school for the child to have that particular object there. The last thing you want is for the comfort object to cause strife for your child when it is supposed to be helping them settle and learn.

Celebrate bravery

Celebrate small acts of bravery. Even if it is stepping out of the car without complaining/worrying. I would recommend taking stock of these acts of bravery at the end of the day and name them at the dinner table or bedtime and tell them what makes you proud of them.

Note that you don’t have to tell them they are the bravest and best person ever to ever have ever lived… that is setting a very high expectation of perfection that they may not feel they can emulate! You can simply say “I noticed when you were brave today, these are the things I noticed you doing (list them), and I am proud of you.” Followed by big smile and hug and high five.

YOU’VE got this!!

I know you may have had some harrowing drop offs at school in recent months or years. But, you’ve got this. You can do it, you can help your child remain calm, develop resilience and become less anxious.

For more in-depth explorations of anxiety and how to help yourself and your child regulate, join me in the Real Talk: Parent conversation sessions in August. You can register here.