Belonging and Reassurance

We need to recognise when children are presenting with reassurance-seeking behaviour and to do what we can to let them know “You belong here, you’re mine and I am so glad you are.”

The best thing my husband ever said to me was not “I love you”, but “You belong here, with us.” It was in a situation where I should have felt belonging, but instead felt alienated and alone from the people I was with. His words in that moment were deeply reassuring. They were better than “I love you” right then. Because isn’t that affirmation and assurance of belonging really another way of saying “I love you” especially when said by your person or people you truly find your belonging with?

Our need for belonging is so strong and so primal that sometimes it is incredibly hard to put into words. I used to play this game with my kids when they were little where I would suddenly look at them with great curiosity and ask “Who do you belong to?” as if I didn’t know them. They would look at me and say “You!” and then I would rejoice over my good fortune to be the mother of this amazing child, with lots of kisses and cuddles.

We need to recognise when children are presenting with reassurance-seeking behaviour and to do what we can to let them know “You belong here, you’re mine and I am so glad you are.” One of the reassurance seeking behaviours mostly younger children may present is asking to play hide and seek. They want to be found and also to seek and find you, over and over and over again. They’re asking (sub-consciously) for you to see them, to intentionally look for them with singular focus as you do in the game. When you get found, or when you find them you could add an exclamation of delight “Yay! I am SO glad you found me or I am so glad to find you here!” and a cuddle.

Another reassurance seeking behaviour may be when they want some deep pressure interactions with you as parent, often in the form of wrestling or tickling. In our house this gets called “tickle time” and still happens with my middle school aged children. This request was made several times during the week of unrest in KZN, and thereafter. Give them the time to get a little physical in the play, a little bit of deep pressure (some will want a lot), this can mean leaning some of your weight on them. Putting a big pillow over their body (not face, obviously), and leaning. Wrap them up like a sausage in a blanket and then unwrap them again, let them guide you as to how tightly they might want to be wrapped. Stop when they say “stop” or when you can see them resist but maybe they don’t know how to tell you “stop” yet.

There are many other forms of reassurance seeking behaviours our children present, these are just two examples here of how you can use play to give reassurance through affirming belonging.

If we can think about our child’s “attention-seeking” behaviours rather as reassurance seeking behaviours maybe this would help us to give them what they are really needing either in words or actions or a combination of both, the message that they belong. And therefore that they matter, that they are loved, that they are accepted, that they are important.

“A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.” ~ Brené Brown

Source: Brené Brown (2010). “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are”, p.40, Simon and Schuster