Building online safety for your family.
Part 2: Navigating online risks

This is about equipping ourselves to safeguard our children, the digital natives in our lives. Let’s think about some of the risks and add to what we can do to mitigate against them.

The following risks are things I would far rather not think about, and yet they exist and we need to know about them. In no way am I wanting to be a fearmonger. This is about equipping ourselves to safeguard our children, the digital natives in our lives. Let’s think about some of the risks and add to what we can do to mitigate against them.

You can read part 1 here

Creepy people

There are predators who know how to find vulnerable children online and try to exploit them. I recently read a blog article talking about “sad fishing”. This is the process of predators actively looking for kids online who appear depressed/sad/lonely, identifying them via their social media status updates. Because what is true in real life is also true in the digital world; predators attempt to groom kids who appear a little distant from others emotionally or socially. You can read the blog article here https://protectyoungeyes.com/no-digital-secrets-3-actions-respond-porn-predators/and I highly recommend signing up for Protect Young Eyes (PYE) emails to keep on top of the apps and games your kids are interacting with. PYE will be launching a Masterclass for families online quite soon, have a look at their website if you’re interested. www.protectyoungeyes.com

I read a report on the impact of technology-assisted (online) child abuse versus child abuse in person. The shocking bottom line in the findings is that technology-assisted abuse (perpetrated by those creepy people referenced above), has more invasive and enduring impacts that in person abuse.

Here is a link to the research report if you want to know more https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/2017/impact-online-offline-child-sexual-abuse

Always find out who your children are interacting with online- highly recommended only people they already know in real life- and have those parental controls in place. Exactly how you protect your children in real life, is how you need to think about protecting them online. Supervise them, know who they’re spending time with, make sure they know you’re available to talk no matter what.

Pornography

This is such a huge and pervasive issue throughout society that it needs its own conversation, maybe a post for another day. However, it is important to keep acknowledging the very real existence of pornography and the impact it has on all of us, and more and more on our children.

The average age of children in South Africa being exposed to pornography is 11. But I know of children who have had exposure even younger, and some have become addicted. I will say that again, children as young as primary school age are becoming addicted to pornography. And it is important to note that boys as well as girls are being exposed and becoming addicted to porn.

You may find it hard to talk to your children about their bodies, harder still to talk about sex and so porn may be the very last thing you feel equipped to talk about. There are resources out there to help.

Good Pictures, Bad Pictures is a book by Kristen Jenson and Gail Poyner. Written specifically for children and as a guide to parents to help talk through the topic of pornography without shame. There is also How to talk to your kids about pornography by Dina Alexander, Amanda Scott and Jenny Webb. This is a link to an article by Dina Alexander about the book https://educateempowerkids.org/new-book-simplifies-porn-coversations/

Both of these books are available on Loot.co.za if you’re in South Africa.

Pornography has infiltrated even fledgling romantic relationships as sexting appears to be a rite of passage in many adolescent relationships. Sexting is the sending of nude pictures, nude pictures of children under the age of 18 are considered pornography and therefore unlawful. For more information on South African law and digital media, Emma Sadleir’s book, Selfies, Sexts, and Smartphones is easy to read for parents and adolescents. Her website also has a lot of useful information and resources www.thedigitallawco.com.

The enduring impact of digital content

We grow up making stupid mistakes and learning from them, as we should do. However, now if a friend videos a stupid mistake, we are never allowed to forget and move on, and may even find our digital footprint coming back to impact our opportunities later in life. These mistakes can be really small, or really massive. The point is the shame of them can become enduring and damaging when we are never allowed to move on from them. Who we are at 10 years old, or 16 years old should not determine how we are seen as a 30 year old adult.

We can’t always control what and when other people are recording of us, but when our children are with peers who have smartphones and social media accounts, this is one of the conversations we should be having with them. When do they feel comfortable to be filmed or photographed by friends? How do they talk to their friends about this? Are they comfortable being photographed for their friend’s social media? We need to help our children talk about consent in the context of digital media.

Children need to know that whatever digital content they create, it should be something they can be proud of themselves for creating. Can they apply “the granny rule” –  if granny was to see the content would they still feel good about it, or would they feel embarrassed? Perhaps if a child or adolescent is not able to think through and discuss “the granny rule” with you then they’re not ready for their own smartphone or their own social media accounts.

Cyber bullying

Bullying has been around forever. Cyberbullying is a new level of abuse as the bullied person does not get a break, the bullying voices follow them everywhere and at all times of day and night. It can include deliberately excluding someone from online games or friendship groups, sending threatening or degrading messages, creating or sharing malicious videos, trolling, setting up hate sites or groups about a specific child, or stealing online identities in order to embarrass or cause trouble for a child. (from https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/bullying).

We need to continually talk to our children about being kind; both online and in person. Abusive behaviour online is often more impactful and enduring than in person because it is not easily erased. We need to give the clear message that bullying is unacceptable, but help is available. We need to always be the safe space our children can turn to for help, whether they have been bullied or been the bully.

What can we do?

Keep talking, keep learning, and ensure you monitor your child’s online activities.

As children grow, we need to acknowledge their evolving capacities for participation and decision making, with the appropriate safe guards in place. Every holiday our family makes a schedule for screen time that our children have input into. It’s not rigid, but it does help to have an agreement to refer back to. Complete “no screen days” are also scheduled.

Find a way to keep yourself updated about apps and games your children are engaging with. Choose the best parental controls for your families needs, but discuss what these are and why you are using them with your children. We need to find ways to build trust with our children on this journey rather than them feeling that we’re spying on them or not trusting them. In reality in most cases, it’s the dangers of the internet we don’t trust, not our children.