We’re heading back to school for term 3 in South Africa in just a few days. In these past two years, some children have really battled with separation anxiety.

Separation anxiety can be incredibly difficult to deal with because it can be very dramatic. Cue child clutching onto you, or the school gate, screaming “Nooooooo. Don’t leave me.” Can there be a more heart-wrenching scenario that triggers a parent’s guilt? I am abandoning my child when clearly they don’t feel safe and they need me. What kind of parent am I?

Separation anxiety is triggered by the child feeling that the transition from home to school is somehow not safe. They often feel something bad is going to happen to themselves and/or their parents if they are separated. This is not necessarily logical and a child cannot usually put it into words.

What’s interesting is that the children I have worked with have liked school and been fond of their teachers. School itself is often not the issue. Being apart from familiarity and home is the issue. Teachers will report that once the child is in the classroom, they settle very quickly and are able to work and interact as usual (in most cases).

Don’t try to make your child explain their anxiety. Accept that you simply might not be able to understand on a cognitive level something that appears to have no explanation (Clear as mud? Well, maybe it is to your child as well and you’re both just trying to wade through it!)

Here are some things to try if you have a child anxiously anticipating a return to school.

Preparation

Preparation for separation is important, but keep it light. Over the weekend you could talk about getting ready for school and doing some preparation together. This could be doing some shopping or packing the school bag together. Talk about the importance of getting ourselves ready for the new things, including the new term. Ask them about what they’re looking forward to. Maybe it’s seeing friends again, or the sport they’ll be playing. Focus on the positive and the enjoyment of it.

You don’t have to keep having this conversation until they accept it. If you talk about preparing for school and they’re anti it, let it go and come back to it later. You could say “I can see you don’t want to talk about this now. That’s ok. But we do need to get ready.” Leave it at that a re-visit the preparation conversation when they’re calm at another time.

Validate feelings

Notice your child’s mood/reaction to returning to school and validate it. “I can see you’re worried about going back to school. I am here if you want to talk about it. Let me know when you’re ready.”

Have clear plans

It helps children to know the “story of their day”, so what is happening at the beginning, middle and end of the day. For example, the plan of how they are getting to school, what they have to eat for a snack, what sport they’re going to play, and who is picking them up after school.

Separation ritual

Decide on how you’re going to say goodbye to one another beforehand. You could develop a short “secret handshake” for example. Keep it brief, long lingering goodbyes don’t help a child with separation anxiety. Saying something positive and familiar everyday at goodbye time is helpful too, such as “You’re a star. You’ve got this!” with a smile and a thumbs up.

My husband used to tell the kids to “Please let the other kids win the cutest kid competition today at school.” On questioning after school, of course ours always reported winning the (very fictitious) cutest kid in school competition! It’s a pity they’ve outgrown this one, but man, they were cute!

Teacher reinforcements

If you’re able to, communicate with your child’s teacher and let them know your child is anxious. One teacher I spoke to has a subtle hand signal she uses with a particularly anxious child, which she and the child agreed to use if the child was feeling overwhelmed. She reported that the mere fact that the child is able to communicate non-verbally is very powerful, and that when she acknowledges the hand signal and responds, this is very validating and calming for the child.

Comfort objects

There are numerous ways of reminding your child that they are loved and that they’re not alone, even when they’re at school. One mum sent her grade 1 child to school with a locket that she bought him for this purpose. It opened and he could fit it in his pocket and look at it any time he needed to. He was quite enchanted with the idea of “treasure” in general and so the locket was treasure from his mom to remind him of her love, and that she would be fetching him after school.

You might decide on some small object that fits in your child’s pocket that they can squeeze or look at during the day. Make sure it won’t be a train smash if they lose the object, something too precious may cause massive drama if lost. Something that could be made with little cost at home, such as a stress ball, could work well. You can make a stress ball with a balloon and flour. Pour flour into a flaccid balloon until it feels firm, and tie it up.

You could draw matching symbols, such as a heart, on your hand and your child’s hand. The hearts are “charged” by hugging or holding hands in the morning before school. If the child feels anxious during the day, they can press the heart and be reminded of all the hugs and cuddles “charged” into the heart.  This can help a child feel very connected to their parents through the day, serving as a reminder that they are loved.

Make sure with comfort objects that it is acceptable to the school for the child to have that particular object there. The last thing you want is for the comfort object to cause strife for your child when it is supposed to be helping them settle and learn.

Celebrate bravery

Celebrate small acts of bravery. Even if it is stepping out of the car without complaining/worrying. I would recommend taking stock of these acts of bravery at the end of the day and name them at the dinner table or bedtime and tell them what makes you proud of them.

Note that you don’t have to tell them they are the bravest and best person ever to ever have ever lived… that is setting a very high expectation of perfection that they may not feel they can emulate! You can simply say “I noticed when you were brave today, these are the things I noticed you doing (list them), and I am proud of you.” Followed by big smile and hug and high five.

YOU’VE got this!!

I know you may have had some harrowing drop offs at school in recent months or years. But, you’ve got this. You can do it, you can help your child remain calm, develop resilience and become less anxious.

For more in-depth explorations of anxiety and how to help yourself and your child regulate, join me in the Real Talk: Parent conversation sessions in August. You can register here.

The post Beating the back to school blues appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

My(le)stones. Milestones that are about My journey. They could also be My-stones, steps on the journey.

Myelstones, I didn’t spell it wrong, I just made up a new word. My(le)stones. Milestones that are about My journey. They could also be My-stones, steps on the journey.

It may be because April in our family is a month of birthdays, but I have been thinking about milestones and the importance of really celebrating them.

I have worked with many children experiencing anxiety over the last two years. Anxiety fuelled by the pandemic and related issues, as well as loss and trauma. Celebrating milestones/mylestones with children who feel turned inside out with anxiety can be significant at the right time. Anxiety really does a number on children’s brains, messing with clear thinking, creativity, performance, social relationships and even play.

Anticipatory anxiety can be huge and ruin an experience ahead of time due to the “worry brain” taking over. The good news is that our brains can be trained to not give in to the worry, new neural pathways can be laid and practiced. We can live from a place of increasing joy and freedom rather than worry and anxiety.

Connection with trusted people and safe spaces to learn how to do this is really important. Ongoing support to reinforce the learning is key, and this is where celebrating milestones/mylestones can come in!

Recently I had one such celebration session with a child who is in every way competent and wonderful, but sometimes her worry brain takes over. Seemingly simple things to others become huge obstacles and blocks to her. We worked through an anticipated event a couple of weeks ago, and then got to celebrate the moments she was proud of herself for in our follow up session together, after the event.

I asked her to make herself a certificate – with free creative license – on what she is most proud of herself for over the anticipated event. Freedom to celebrate absolutely anything she was proud of herself for, and without being humble!

I made a certificate for her too. Here is the result of mine. (I won’t share hers for privacy reasons).

I do want to come back to my statement above that timing is important in celebrating mylestones. It is not helpful to be celebrated over every tiny achievement every day. This can end up diluting the overall effect of the achievement and thus not be a celebration at all. Furthermore, it can place a lot of pressure on the child to continue “achieving” at the level they think is required. Some children judge themselves harshly and assume their trusted adults judge them in the same way. They can find themselves constantly “falling short” in their minds, which does nothing to diminish anxiety.

If you see your child do something that usually their anxiety would prevent them from doing, you could start the conversation about it when you are alone with them, and when things are relatively calm. “I noticed that you took a few deep breaths before you had to speak to the new kid. Well done for remembering to do your breathing like we practiced. How did it work out for you in that situation?”

Having a conversation with a child about how they feel things went, what they learned from it, and what they are proud of themselves for is a starting point. We could see something and want to blurt it out to them, but when we follow their lead then we can match their pace and their level of enthusiasm rather than overpowering them with our reaction.

If your child has been through a particularly anxiety-provoking experience, maybe consider talking through it with them when the time is right. Keep it simple, warm and light and be led by your child.

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Some of us have been waiting for some time…but maybe, possibly, schools will be opening up soon. There is still a lot of uncertainty. However, I think this is an opportunity to start to prepare yourself and your child to return to school. Even if it is a bit of a drawn out preparation in some cases!

Start with what you know

Part of the preparation is talking about the uncertainty of the situation. If you know the facts of the return, talk through those facts with your child. Tell them what has been communicated and what you know for sure from the school. Be honest about when the details are not yet certain.

Some schools may simply not be organised or communicate so well with parents. This can be incredibly frustrating. Try to find a space away from your child to voice your (more aggressive) frustrations. Being loaded with your negative perceptions of their school/teacher/Principal will cloud your child’s view of their return to school and may even make them feel unsafe about returning.

If you do voice your frustration in front of your child, then also try to model to them how you are dealing with your frustration and what options you are trying to explore. It is ok to say “I’m feeling quite frustrated that I don’t know when you are going back to school because it makes it hard to plan. I really would like to know and I think you would too. Today, I am feeling so frustrated I am needing to take some deep breaths to calm down. Want to try it with me?”

Listen

Some questions may help to process feelings about returning to school. Ask one question at a time. Take your lead from what your child says. Listen to what is uppermost in their minds.

What are you missing most about school?

When you get back to school, what are you expecting?

What do you think will be different? What do you think will be the same?

What will you miss about being at home?

Ask your child what some of their worries about returning to school are. Again, simply listen, some of their worries may seem trivial, but if they have shared them with you then they are very real. Some worries could be alleviated with good information. Others may be related to distress they’re experiencing at all the changes and uncertainty.

Practicalities

Work through some of the protective measures schools will have to take. For example, everyone at school will be required to wear masks all day. This will be hard for some kids. On a practical level, work with your child to find masks that are comfortable for them. It will be really hard to work if they’re experiencing discomfort because the elastic over their ears is too tight. Explore the regulations with the school about options such as wearing a buff instead of a mask.

Teachers will also have to wear masks, some may even wear face shields in order to be heard a little better. Younger children especially may have to be introduced to the concept of a face shield and get used to what it looks like. Their teacher has not turned into an alien!

It may help to talk about the fact that everyone is required to wear a mask, it may feel funny or even silly at first, but it’s something we all need to do to protect one another and prevent the spread of the virus.

Physical distancing between children will be required. This may be one of the hardest parts of returning to school and being reunited with friends, more especially for younger children. Speak to your child’s teacher about what plans they have in place for physical distancing in the classroom and during break times. Help your child to process their experiences and feelings about the physical distancing once school starts.

Prepare your child where certain activities they love may not be happening. For example, contact sports. This aspect has been and will continue to be a huge gap for many children. Talk through what the school has planned instead, if you know. Ask them for their ideas of what they could do instead.

You’ve already adapted!

Take stock of all the ways you and your child have adapted through this time. Make a list of these together. Point out to your child their strengths, their coping and all the things you’re proud of them for during this time. Use this as a starting place for their coping with the return to school.

Tell them you believe in them, they can do this, but reassure them that you are there for them. Keep communicating your love and support in different ways.

Keep Listening

After the school returns, ask them what really was different and what was the same.

Was it kind of like they expected or not?

In the beginning, it may feel like everyone has just started at a new school again! Treat it as such, if you need to. This is a strange, new way of being and we all need time, compassion and guidance to adapt.

Whether you are about to send your child back to school or keep them at home, strength to you for this time.

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