23 February 2024

Movement matters, and it especially matters to those who are “tiggers”.

(If you’re not acquainted with the Winnie-the-Pooh stories by AA Milne, well, maybe it’s time.) Tigger is one of Winnie-the-Pooh’s best friends, a very loveable, energetic and positive character. Tigger bounces everywhere. He’s enthusiastic and motivated. He’s always looking for the fun, fun, fun! In the stories where Tigger is not bouncing, he’s sad.

In sensory terms, a tigger is a sensory seeker. In other words, a person who very much craves and needs movement in order to feel calm and settled in their brain and body. Tiggers seek engagement in their environment, through other people or with objects. They will not shy away from kicking a soccer ball really hard. They love manipulating things with their hands – like playing with playdough or clay. They love to bounce – literally just like Tigger! They usually love getting their hands dirty, love rough play, and pitting their strength against others.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

If children who are tiggers are not getting enough sensory input, for example if they are having too much sedentary time, or expected to be quiet and be in quiet spaces a lot, they tend to get irritable, over-fidgety, and even lash out at others in frustration. They might be labelled “naughty” or “attention seeking” as their behaviour can be provocative; this is because their sensory system is crying out for stimulation to help them regulate (ie: be calm).

A tigger friend of mine (She’s an adult, just in case you think only children can be tiggers.) was sharing with me recently how her mood was really low, she was feeling overwhelmed and disconnected. But then she started her high impact exercises again and everything changed. She went back to feeling energized, calm, and connected to herself. She was reflecting on how she needs movement to help feed the Tigger in her.

Photo by Jasper Garratt on Unsplash

My daughter is also a tigger and the euphoria you see in her when she has done some hard exercise is remarkable. When the euphoria dissipates, she is calm and happy through the rest of her day. She’s often said she feels fidgety in certain classes at school, or gets distracted. We’ve asked her to notice what her body needs, most likely some movement to look after the Tigger in her. We discussed different strategies such as a walk to the bathroom and doing a few star jumps whilst there.

She’s the child who will most often ask for “tickle time” in the evenings, and usually when there is a lot happening such as studying for exams or orals or tests. Tickle time has been a thing from when our children were very little. It’s very physical, involving tickling and applying deep pressure – like wrestling. It’s quite noisy – shrieks of laugher and shouting, especially when the boy child joins us and they gang up on me! I know when she’s asking for tickle time, she’s asking for some co-regulation. Her body is telling her she needs extra sensory input to counteract the stress she is feeling. Tickle time gives her the deep pressure she craves, and the connection time. And of course, play and laughter does wonders to restore the world the right side up again.

Photo by Mieke Campbell on Unsplash

Tiggers may look like candidates for an ADHD diagnosis at times. But what if, before diagnosis, we were to reflect on what sensory input a person is getting, or not getting. And maybe the “hyperactivity” you’re seeing is simply a frustrated tigger who hasn’t had enough bouncing! If your tigger is having more than an hour of screen time per day, on top of having to sit still in class, they most certainly aren’t getting enough movement time.

Here is a set of exercises you could encourage your tigger to use during the day – such as before sitting down to homework, or during play time. They don’t have to do ALL of them each time, you can choose together depending on how much time you have and how much sensory input is needed. It could be a good connection time to do this with your child, or at the very least to be involved in the process by timing and encouraging them as they go. This is not a punishment! This is a way to help your Tigger feel connected to their own body again, to feel energized and ready to engage with others in healthy ways.

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12 January 2024

Process is messy

I was reminded once again during the holidays that process is messy. It just is. We put up some shelves in our living space and standing there in the middle of putting them up, it felt once again like we’d just moved in. The chaotic mess in the room that was created felt exactly the same as a year previous when we were moving furniture in.

Also, we did lots of baking… a whole new level of messy process!!

On Instagram I can get quite hooked on watching people create things of various kinds. I realise a lot of the process itself is so carefully curated because people cover up the mess of their process so well. IRL, it’s not like that at all.

Process is a beautifully messy thing! Remember that as you start a new year with your kiddo. They’re in a process of settling into new things. They might have hiccups and wobbles and you might wonder what on earth you’ve done if you’ve made a major change. It’s OK, process is messy.

Your child might be in the same school, but a new grade, a new teacher, a new classroom. You might be surprised at how much it takes for them to adjust to the changes. What you might feel are small changes, may feel major to them.

They’re getting used to a new teacher in the classroom, there could be an adjustment to a heightened energy, or a slower energy, more noise or less noise. There are inevitably changes in dynamics depending on which children are in the class together.  Different can feel hard. They could be nervous about the expectations of them at their new level, whether perceived or imagined, this is real for them, a weight they haven’t dealt with before.

Most difficult in all of this is that most children can’t put into words what the changes are or how it is impacting them. They simply feel it in their bodies, and those can be good feelings and bad feelings and a mixture of the two.

It’s going to be OK. Process is messy.

Be patient. Be available to listen. As far as possible in the first few days or weeks of school (depending on your child), make sure yourself or someone close to your child is there to drop them off, and there to pick them up. After school, spend at least half an hour of having face-to-face time with your child. Listening to what they want to tell you about their day. Looking at whatever they take out of their school bag. Or, simply playing with them.

When are make yourself available to be with your child in their process, this makes all the difference. They see that you are with them, and feel supported deep down even without you having to say anything specific.

Photo by Andrew Keymaster on Unsplash

Also, remember you don’t have to anticipate any negatives, your child might sail through just fine and settle very quickly. You can still be with them, be available to them.

Affirm them whenever you can. “You did it! First week of grade x done! I’m proud of you!” Even if they have cried every day, and had some big feelings. You’re focusing on seeing them in their difficulties, supporting them, but encouraging them that they can do this.

Spending time being with them helps them to know deep inside; this process can be messy, but everything is going to be OK.

PS: There are a few reasons I put this picture of bubbles in. They’re cheap to buy, they provide no-brainer play and activity – neither you nor your child has to come up with words, you can simply enjoy being in your bodies and play! They are delightful! They help you to focus on your breath, take time to consciously note your breathing, steady yourself and take deep breaths in and out to regulate yourself. Your child will follow your lead.

UPCOMING EVENTS

Parent Conversations

I will be running a face-to-face small group for parents in February. I call these Parent Conversations as they are interactional and conversational rather than “teachy”, although you will be given some resources and information along the way.

There are 4 sessions of one and a half hours each where parents get to have intentional conversations about parenting. We focus on dealing with big feelings, anxiety, emotional regulation, and parent self-care. You can sign up for as many sessions as you’d like, although to get the very best out of the process come along to all four and build relationships with other group members. Feedback from previous participants has been that being with other parents in these conversations is where they feel most encouraged and supported.

This is what participants have said:

“I discovered that I am not alone in how I feel. I appreciated having a safe space to share my fears and guilt.”

“I learned that everyone is going through things with their children. And that parenting has so much more to do with my past and how I react than what I ever anticipated.”

Recommendations from previous participants:

“I would definitely recommend attending. If everyone can learn the tools to help themselves, it will help regulate their kids. It was a safe space to share and be vulnerable  and learn how to overcome these emotions.”

“I believe every parent should do it. It gives insight into our children’s minds and feelings. It helps us understand our children more and why they may do certain things.”

I will be linking in the sign up form next week so have a look out for that!

Dates; 5, 12, 19 and 26 February 2024

Time: 6pm – 7:30pm each week

Venue: Howick.

Cost for individual: R 120 per session per person, or R 400 if you sign up for all 4.

Cost for couple: R 150 per session per couple, or R 500 if you sign up for all 4.

The Journalling Workshop 3 February 

You can read more about The Journalling Workshop here.

A Journalling Workshop participant gave this feedback:

“I felt like you ‘demystified’ journalling for me…you inspired me to pick up my journals again and to just go for it!” 

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This blog is for you if you have a child back at school this week who is struggling to settle and is constantly looking to you to reassure them.

The human need for love and belonging are so primal and foundational to who we are, when it comes to not having these needs met, we do all sorts of things to ensure they are met – even if in less desirable or healthy ways for ourselves.

Children employ reassurance-seeking behaviour when they feel uncertain and are facing the unknown.

Reassurance-seeking behaviour includes an increase in their need of you, whining, asking for you to do everything with them or for them, not letting you out of their sight! They may become more sensory seeking –“Tickle me!! Wrestle me!!” or they may become withdrawn and sensory avoidant, disappearing into their own world.

If you’ve been finding yourself constantly needing to tell your child they’re ok, it’s ok, everything is going to be ok, they are most likely seeking reassurance.

BUT WHY? (Because it’s been driving me mental!)

What if beneath the reassurance-seeking behaviour their real questions are;

When I get to my classroom, am I going to feel I belong there? Will I still have the same friends as last year, am I still accepted?

Children feel reassured when they have a sense of belonging to a group. Belonging means connections have formed or are growing, and we’re ALL wired for connection. Belonging in a group brings a sense of satisfaction and security that can’t be manufactured.

Consider that at the start of each new year, children are required to adjust to a new teacher, a new class group, some of whom they know well and others they do not. The biggest lament children and even their parents have at the start of a year is not about the teacher they get, it’s about their friends not being with them in class!

Starting to build a new network of belonging is a big step for children, even if it comes fairly easily for some. It is very necessary to growth and development, but anxiety-provoking all the same. This means that they really do need your reassurance and support through the process.

WHAT CAN I DO?

Acknowledge. You could say something like: It’s hard to start new things with people you don’t know. I also feel nervous meeting new people and being in a new place. Maybe you’re not sure you’ll make friends or fit in. It’s normal to feel that way.

Build resilience and patience by helping them manage their self-expectations. You could say something like: Remember there are so many different types of people in the world. You might not find a special friend (if you want one) in the first week, or even the first term! But, you can be friendly to everyone. You can ask to play with different people and invite them to play with you too.

It takes a little while before you really feel you belong in a place. Hang in there, and I am right here to listen any time.

Keep on offering connection. Especially in the first few weeks of term, make time as much as you can to listen and talk and play with your child. Instead of coming home to switch the TV on, have a screen free evening. Go for a walk (or rather a swim in this weather!), read a book together, jump on the trampoline, arm wrestle, build Lego… Connect to show your child love, the conversation will flow more freely.

Remember that you want to have conversations with your child, and not interrogate them until they tell you everything about school! This means you go at their pace, don’t ask a million questions, be gently curious. This also works better when you’re doing something side by side; cooking, walking, reading. Face to face eye contact may feel too threatening for some children who are feeling vulnerable.

Affirm and celebrate. Tell your child you’re proud of them for any healthy steps they try to take in terms of finding belonging. Keep affirming their character and who they are. Catch them being kind or generous or joyful! Your job is to teach your child they are worth belonging, even if they don’t feel they do all the time. We’ve all had the experience of feeling “out”, but we need to know this is not an indication of our worth.

Reassurance is NOT about telling your child everything is going to be wonderful and perfect. You do not need to promise a Disney ending.

We all need reassurance at times. When do you know that you’re in a reassurance seeking state? Who do you ask for reassurance and how?

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This is what holding space looks like.

This is where kids store their special, ongoing Lego projects in my office. On a shelf out of sight to most others who come and visit me. This is an illustration of how we can hold space for children while they’re still in the middle of their process, while they’re still figuring stuff out.

This shelf is not just a storage space. It’s a really intentional holding place. I ask the kids who’ve created something with Lego if they’d like to put it safely away somewhere, if they want to work on it some more next time. They have the option not to, and that’s also completely fine. But when a child feels invested and not yet done with their creation, I let them know that I honour that.

During this week I sat with one particular child who chose to play Lego, and watched him just settle. It felt like those snow globes that you shake up, you know? When you stop shaking, the flakes slow down and eventually stop swirling. He came in wound up and left…settled. He’s usually a chatty kid. This day, he said almost nothing. I sat beside him on the floor, just being with him, holding space for him to silently process. My non-verbal communication was ‘I’m here if you want to chat. But I’m ok with being silent and just being with you.’

Holding space might feel like a bit of a jargon term, and that’s why I wanted to talk about it. It may sound like jargon, but really means something. I looked at my growing Lego collection made by several children in the last couple of weeks and it really struck me just how important it is for us to understand what it is and how we can do it everyday with our own children.

Holding space is moving away from the need for completion or resolution in a certain time frame, and rather noticing and joining with a child’s pace and process.

Holding space is sometimes keeping quiet for a time, when we’re so tempted to always fill the air with talk. Talk and negotiation and planning – they get things done, right?! Yes, but sometimes no. Sometimes we have to simply hold space, and keep quiet! Sometimes we have to hold ourselves back from being the fixer and just be the one showing up.

Holding space is also providing appropriate boundaries where needed. For example, an anxious child may struggle with bed time, but you hold space for them when you work on the bedtime routine and co-regulate with them. You help them come to calm and get the much-needed sleep that helps to mitigate against increasing anxiety.

Holding space is like the Lego jumble, it all looks like a great big mess, but when you give your children enough time and space they can create something amazing with it. Holding space is being available to help, but waiting to be asked. It’s accepting your child’s abilities and limitations and allowing them to grow at their own pace.

You can do it too. You can hold space for your child in what they’re going through right now.

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Co-regulation is when a parent or caregiver uses their voice, facial expression and bodily posture to communicate love, acceptance and understanding to a child in a moment of need or when they are experiencing “big feelings”.

Self-regulation is defined in the APA dictionary of psychology as

n. the control of one’s behavior through the use of self-monitoring (keeping a record of behavior), self-evaluation (assessing the information obtained during self-monitoring), and self-reinforcement (rewarding oneself for appropriate behavior or for attaining a goal). https://dictionary.apa.org/

More simply put, self-regulation is about managing our thoughts, feelings and actions. Self-regulation is a learned skill. Children are not born self-regulating beings, they learn how to self-regulate over time with trusted, consistent adults. This journey is called co-regulation.

The ability to self-regulate is built on ongoing experiences of co-regulation.

Dana, 2020.

Co-regulation is when a parent or caregiver uses their voice, facial expression and bodily posture to communicate love, acceptance and understanding to a child in a moment of need or when they are experiencing “big feelings”. This enables a child to feel heard and understood, to feel they are not alone in that moment and that someone is available to help contain their overwhelm.

When babies grow up with moments of co-regulation during moments of stress, such as when they are struggling with strong feelings, they begin to internalize and conceptualize strategies for self-regulation and self-soothing – in their brains and in their minds.

Costa. https://www.nichq.org/insight/childrens-social-and-emotional-development-starts-co-regulation

As parents, we tune in (or attune) to our child so that we can recognise their changing needs, emotional states and ways of being as they grow. We respond by offering moments of connection that build a shared sense of safety (Dana, 2020).

I remember helping my child prepare for one of his first orals, to be presented in class. Standing up to talk in front of his peers at the age of 8 was a terrifying prospect for him. The night before, he most definitely did not want to do it. He struggled to come to a calm place within himself at bedtime in order to sleep. After giving reassurance, he had worked hard on the oral, and talking through some coping skills, we stopped talking about the oral completely and my husband and I focused on simply being present with him in his room. Back tickling, joke telling, and talking about his passions were ways we helped to offer co-regulation so that he could eventually calm and fall asleep.

We could have told him to “suck it up and deal with it, everyone has to do orals.” You know, tough love style. But this would not have been regulating for our child. Just because everyone is expected to do certain tasks does not make them any less daunting. What we were helping our child with that night was learning that in spite of an anticipated stress, he can use coping skills to bring himself to calm. He can do hard things that he doesn’t enjoy, and the world will not end. Four years on and orals are still not his favourite thing, but he has learned how to self-regulate himself through them.

The need for co-regulation with others continues throughout the life course. Adults still need others who offer a calm space to talk and be heard.

Co-regulation continues to help us self-regulate and very importantly, connect. When we don’t have co-regulating relationships, we are more than likely not having opportunities to wholly connect with others, and we may have feelings of isolation and loneliness. This can make parenting a whole lot harder.

It’s important to think about your own emotional health journey in relation to self-regulation and connection. Can you self-regulate in healthy ways? ie: exercise, talking to someone, journaling, praying, having fun and playing. Or do you need to numb in order to feel a sense of calm? ie: excessive drinking, overeating, mindless social media scrolling or even leading such a busy life that you simply don’t have time to stop and think.

If you feel you need help with practising co-regulation or self-regulation, get help from a trusted wise friend or two that you know are regulating for you, or a mental health practitioner who can help you on this journey.

It’s never too late to take this journey of connection!

The Beyondtrauma podcast on co-regulation at https://beyondtraumapodcast.com/2021/10/co-regulation-ruac-ep-29/ may be a helpful tool if you want to learn more.

Book reference: “Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection” by Deb Dana. 2020

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