Children can tune out our words faster than we can say “Tidy your bedroom”, but they are invested in all of the bits between our words even when it doesn’t look like they are.

Sometimes we don’t appreciate a person’s presence until they are not there. As we wind down to the end of this working year, I am anticipating many goodbyes in different areas of my life*, related to professional and personal worlds I am part of. I am thinking about different people and the presence they carry, and what I will miss about them.

During a conversation this week, it was so aptly said that someone’s presence is all the “bits between the words.” I love that because it somehow encapsulates the intangibles that make a person who they are, in how they move around, their quirks and mannerisms, their habits,  the emotional tone they carry, and all of what you can come to expect of how they are in the world between their words.

This also has me thinking this week about who I am and how I am perceived in between my words. Do my actions/habits/quirks match my words so that I am aligned and integrated inside and out? When is my presence welcomed and when is it not so helpful?

Our children are especially attuned to our presence. They can tune out our words faster than we can say “Tidy your bedroom”, but they are invested in all of the bits between our words even when it doesn’t look like they are. When we are their safe space, our presence can be very comforting and nurturing for them, a place to regroup after a hard day out there on the school playground. They’re sub-consciously always checking where we’re at and assessing their place in our presence, are we approachable to them, are we going to listen, do we look like we’re in the mood to understand? And most importantly, are we actually there – physically and emotionally present.

In our bits between our words, we need to make sure we’re creating space to be available, especially to our most loved ones. Parenting is not the sum total of barking orders and issuing sage advice and instructions. Presence comes first, and then when the time is right, well-placed words that align with who we are. The human being, not “doing” part of us.

What are the “bits between the words” that you carry? What would people notice that is missing when you’re not around? What are the bits between the words that your children are responding or reacting to daily?

Have a wonderful weekend. And here’s to hoping there are bits of sun between the rain!

*(Don’t worry, I will remain in Howick, practicing play therapy!)

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Stories give space to explore ideas through a third party, enabling difficult topics to be talked about that you wouldn’t necessarily bring up in everyday conversation.

Stories are wonderful vehicles for communicating all sorts of messages. Reading stories with your children can open up worlds of discussion if you’re able to seize the opportunity. By this, I don’t mean quiz your child for story comprehension, make them feel like they’re being interrogated or preparing for a book report!!

Rather, use some questions to start a conversation. It may be a really short conversation before they move onto something else, but that’s ok, at least a door has been opened. Good questions stimulate thinking that your child’s brain will continue to process long after the conversation appears to be over.

What’s your favourite character?

What do you like about this story?

For picture books, you can also ask about their favourite illustration and have a closer look together at the picture.

What would you do if this was you? (reference a particular action or decision of a character)

What could you imagine as a different ending to this story, if you were the author?

What was scary/gross/exciting/unbelievable/good about this story for you? (pick one or two of these adjectives, not a whole bunch! You could also ask this when you’ve finished a chapter, when some significant activity has occurred).

What do you think will happen next? (Dream up a future for the characters beyond the book, or have fun guessing at what will happen next!)

What are the good choices that were made in this story? What do you think are the not so good choices?

Stories give space to explore ideas through a third party, enabling difficult topics to be talked about that you wouldn’t necessarily bring up in every day conversation.

For example, ‘Rat Burger’ by David Walliams has strong themes of bullying, rejection, physical abuse and neglect. All pretty heavy topics, but put together in a delightful story with a strong parallel theme of resilience and redemption. Through reading this book, our family have had good discussions about the importance of kindness and caring in our lives.

Have fun reading together, and don’t close the communication when the book is finished.

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