31 May 2024

How do mealtimes in your home go down? What would you like to change about them?

What if you were to have one meal a day together as a family in order to intentionally connect? What difference do you think it could make? According to research, a whole lot of difference, actually.

The Family Dinner Project  is a non-profit organisation started by clinical psychologist, Anne Fishel, who has written books and conducted research on the impact of families eating meals together regularly. I recommend a browse around the website as it is packed with practical ideas from family meals, to dinner time games and conversation starters. Like this one…

What are the benefits of regular family meal times?

Clever kids

It has been found that children who regularly eat at the table with family have a larger vocabulary than children who don’t. A larger vocabulary helps children when it comes to learning to read, as they learn reading skills earlier and more easily. For older children, it has been found that academic performance improves with more frequent family meals.

Healthier bodies

Family meal times benefit kids and parents in that generally, more nutritious food is consumed when sitting down to eat together. Sitting down to intentional meals sets a standard that children are more likely to follow later in life when they’re living independently.

Improved resilience and mood

It has been found that adolescents are more resilient to negative peer influences and tend to experiment less with substances. And, there is a higher level of hope, increased report of positive mood and more resilience noted in teens who frequently ate with their family. Along with this there is an obvious benefit of simply being together. Creating memories, or reliving memories as a unit far outlives the moment and builds a sense of community and belonging we all need, not just our children.

I’ve worked with a number of kids who carry a very real and strong resentment against how much their parents work. Carving out a meal time a day to put aside your phone and your computer, and put your full attention onto your children is a start at prioritizing your time for your children, not to mention your own mental health!

Below is a little tool I developed to help parents think about fun, connecting questions to ask at the meal table, if needed.

Let me know how it goes! I would love your feedback about what works for your family! 

The post Emotional Connection around the Table appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

24 May 2024

We went to the mountains last weekend and it was a gift in so many ways. We were the only ones in the campsite, which was delightful to us because we simply enjoyed the quiet and the space to ourselves. (After our experience of being quite packed in to the campsite over the Easter weekend).

We did a fair bit of walking, daring one another to swim in the cooling river (some would say frigid), and just generally gazing upon the mountains. The weather was superb, and all round it left me with a sense of awe and wonder in our beautiful country and my lovely family.

“Awe and wonder are essential to the human experience. Wonder fuels our passion for exploration and learning, for curiosity and adventure.” Brene Brown, Atlas of the Heart. 

Awe and wonder awaken us to the more that life has to offer; beyond work and deadlines, beyond the digital world into the great unknown. To step into awe and wonder – to see something different, we need to do something different. Sometimes that means stepping beyond our comfort zone, adventuring in new spaces or in new ways. 

I was chatting to an acquaintance whose son is neurodivergent. She was telling me about some of the ways he has been stepping out and growing and exploring recently. She shared a story of a new experience they’d been through together, which she didn’t love, but he did. And although this experience may never become a love in her life, what she was delighted by was seeing her son get “stuck in”, make new social connections and enjoy himself completely. It also brought them as mom and son closer together. She lamented that she never gave him new experiences before now, seeing how well he adapted and delighted in it. I reminded her that previously she was simply keeping body and soul together, explorations are only possible when one feels safe and open to new possibilities.

Exploration as a family helps you to forge deeper relationships, make memories and engage creatively in the world around you. Challenging one another to do things you’ve never done before, or go to places you’ve never been before ignites curiosity, and opens you up to experiencing awe and wonder.

It might be as simple as sitting in your garden looking up at the night sky together to see what you can see. Going somewhere in your town or city you’ve never been to before. Eating something you’ve never eaten before. Getting out into nature is one of the fastest ways to experience awe and wonder. Maybe there are way more affordable opportunities to do so for you than you could ever imagine, wherever you live.

Explore more, and do it together.

The post Explore more: inspiring awe, wonder and connection appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

So, a few months ago I sent out a survey to informally gather your thoughts and feelings about emotional connection. Thank you to all who responded!

I really love the process of doing these surveys, so if you have any ideas for future survey topics please let me know. If you’d still like to take this survey, you are so welcome to! You can take it completely anonymously.

Take the Emotional Connection Survey

(Survey questions are in bold, responses in italics)

The wordcloud below was generated from the answer to this question:

“How do you know when you have a connection with someone?”

Which of these words resonate with you when it comes to emotional connection?

“How do you behave when you are needing connection with others?”

I talk a lot

I ask a lot of personal questions…if it goes wrong it can come off as me being needy…

I can get hyper, and try really hard, maybe too hard…or beat myself up.

I am quieter than normal.

I message a few different people and see who responds. I am more chatty and try to use humour to engage them.

It’s really worth thinking about how our need for connection manifests in our behaviour. We may not be aware of it until we really give it some thought. If we look at the responses, not all of our behaviour is necessarily inviting of connection with others. In our drive to get needs met, we can sometimes project disconnecting/unappealing behaviour! UNLESS, the other person sees through the behaviour to the need we have for making a connection at that point. The other person can choose to respond, or not.

This is important when it comes to how our children behave when they are needing connection. It may look like “bad” behaviour, but we need to be patient and look a little deeper before we give in to exasperation!

“Do you recognise when your child is needing connection with you? How do they behave?”

I so sometimes, I have two very different children. One will seek comfort in the form of hugs and physical touch and the other one will act out and withdraw.

Yes! They get super duper needy and I start feeling irritated by them.

I don’t have kids but I have noticed that they make noise and run around and want you to play with them.

I do. My son will act out, need reassurance and verbal connection, he needs to be heard. My daughter will become very needy and say things like “you don’t tell me I’m special.”

I respond positively, although sometimes I feel guilt as if I am not providing enough for them emotionally.

My son is not naturally affectionate, so when he asks for back rubs I know he wants me a bit closer!

Have a think about when your child’s behaviour is telling you they need you! This may save some heartache as when you respond with connection, their “bad”/acting out behaviour dissipates and they settle into the love you’re pouring out.

As for feeling guilt, yup, that gets all of us at different times. But isn’t it a wonderful affirmation of the safe space you have created for your child when they can ask you (even if mostly indirectly) for what they need?

There is a natural rhythm to connection that includes times of withdrawal and space. We cannot be 100% emotionally connected 100% of the time. There are natural breaks like going to work and school, or bed time. The re-connections physically and emotionally are important transition spaces and opportunities. We may “miss” a connection opportunity in these transitions and then observe a connection-seeking behaviour. Be on the look out for these!

Always, always consider the different expressions and needs of different children.

“How do you respond when you recognise your child’s need for connection?”

I will hug and kiss my daughter and spend time with her one on one.

The one child I can give a hug or sing a silly song and that will suffice. The other needs to be told he is seen…and then he needs me to reach out to him. He needs deep pressure to start calming down. All his behaviour calms down when he knows I see him and he feels heard.

I settle down and try see how and what they need and set aside time for that.

When I am really tired and depleted myself, I really battle to meet connection needs – especially at the end of a long day and more towards the end of a long week! But, I do negotiate as they get older what I can do with them and when. Also, I try micro-connections wherever possible – a quick squeeze or a tickle, pull a funny face at them or just ask them how they’re doing while we make a cup of tea.

“Over the past year, what has been an obstacle(s) to connection for you?”

Time and work. And maybe kids

People have their own lives, issues, difficulties and sometimes people have time for you and sometimes they don’t.

Time, depression, lack of finances.

I feel like I’m jumping from place to place. School and mom routine means a lot of time… that I don’t get to nurture friendships or connections.

A lack of emotional energy when I do have time!

How about you? What has been your biggest obstacle to connection?

New Things…

If you would like to explore the issue of emotional connection and parenting further, I have just the thing for you! I have a 3 part online process called Parenting for Connection. If you’re interested in finding out more, drop me an email and I can send you some info.

Also, my brand new website is coming soooooon!! Don’t go away!

In the meantime, you can take the emotional connection survey!

Take the Emotional Connection Survey

The post The Emotional Connection Survey: A summary appeared first on Linda Smallbones.