An exploration of how Covid might have affected children’s friendships and social skills today and how we might be able to help.

Our needs for love, protection and belonging are designed to be met within relationships, but it takes time and practice to develop all the social skills necessary to keep on making and growing our relationships in their many forms throughout our lives.

Social skills are those set of communication skills we use every day to interact with others. They include verbal and non-verbal communication. They are first developed through interactions with primary caregivers and siblings, and they are the foundation for the skills children will use to build peer relationships and ultimately all kinds of relationships later in life.

Social skills need to be practiced, repetitively, with a variety of different peers and adults in real life situations. The younger the child, the more practice they need in order to grow in social competence with peers.

What if learning social skills with peers is like learning a dance? But you can’t learn the dance from a book, by knowledge, you learn by dancing with a partner. And what if to really know the dance well, you learn how to dance it with several different partners over time?

You progressively learn how to dance with the partner you’re with, you learn that each partner is different, they move differently, they have a different energy, they enjoy different kinds of moves within the dance. You know you have your part, and they have theirs, both are needed. Sometimes it’s very awkward, sometimes it’s unpleasant, sometimes you don’t get the dance you expect but, it is all all-important learning. As you dance more, you learn to anticipate movements and it gets easier. You fall back on the set of moves that you know have served you well and will also help the other person enjoy the dance.

During Covid, many children lost all of their dance partners. It was a set-back, to be sure. But, it’s time to get back out on the dance floor.

If your child is struggling with friendships, it may be making you feel really sad and hurt on their behalf. This is normal. We want our kids to be well liked, to be seen for the treasure inside them. We cannot control how other children treat them, but we can help coach them, remind them of social skills and cheer them on.

If they’re feeling left out, tell them to look for the others who are alone and approach them. They are almost never the only one. After all, we can probably all say there was at least one time we felt left out at school.

Cecelia Hilkey (Happilyfamily.com), wrote about helping your child think of different ways to get included. Firstly, they can ask. There is a chance of rejection, yes, but then ask someone else, don’t give up. Secondly, observe the game they want to join in and invent a role for themselves in that game. Approach the group with the idea. Thirdly, create their own game and invite others in.

It takes time and practice, and inevitably as with all human relationships, some heartbreak. We can’t protect our children from this, they have to go through it in order to develop what they need.

They’ve got this, and so do you.

The post The dance of social skills appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

None of us can claim a perfect relationship. Healthy relationships are thankfully not defined by perfection on the part of the participants in those relationships.

For better or worse, our children get their pattern for relational connection from their primary caregivers. One of the best gifts we can give our children is the skill of cultivating healthy relationships. This is modelled through ordinary daily life, but also taught and practised as we continue to grow.

None of us can claim a perfect relationship. Healthy relationships are thankfully not defined by perfection on the part of the participants in those relationships.

Brene Brown offers this definition of connection, a cornerstone of all healthy relationships.

Feeling valued is a significant part of healthy relationships. How do you teach this? Value your child. Tell her she is valuable, not for what she can give you, but for who she is, that her time spent with you is a precious thing, that she has something to offer just by being herself.

Unhealthy relationships make you feel used, not valued.

To help your children cultivate healthy relationships, talk about what they are. Ask them about who they enjoy hanging out with, and why. What is it about that friend that they like? How does being with that person make them feel?

What sort of things does being with that friend make them think? Does it make them feel good about themselves? Inadequate? A bit controlled?

Your child may not be able to put it all into words yet, but listen really closely to how they speak about different friends. Is there an ongoing pattern of how they talk about that person? Maybe always with a bit of frustration and tension….? Or maybe a good dose of fun and playfulness where there is some give and take…?

The conversation goes the other way too; ask your children about how their words and actions make others feel. Asking about what they did to others that they think helped them smile, or maybe even made them cross or sad. Sometimes children share their annoyance at certain kids who they find hard to connect with. Listen to your child, empathise with them. But also find ways to help them think about the other kid in new ways. They don’t have to be everyone’s best friend, this is about teaching them that every single person has value.

Whatever your child says, don’t overreact or assume the worst. At some stages if I believed what one of my children said about friendships, I would assume that no one ever speaks or plays with them ever! When I sit in that for a bit with this child, it eventually emerges it was a bad day, or a bit of a knock of self-esteem and eventually everything is put into perspective.

All relationships have ups and downs. This is not about pertaining perfection. This is about slowly learning the art of cultivating healthy relationships. It starts in the family, then grows through friendships and possibly, ultimately into romantic relationships.

What would we wish for our children above all else? I know what my wish is, that they would know all the days of their lives that they have value, no matter what the world says, and that this would mean wherever they land, they find themselves valuable and worthy to be in healthy relationships. And in turn, that they know how to value others just the same way they have been valued.

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