6 September 2024

Bongekile and I have crossed paths through our working and personal lives over the last decade or so. She’s a fellow professional I respect and admire and one thing I love about her is she is always willing to try new things, she’s intentional about self-awareness and personal growth. Bongekile is a Sandplay* facilitator with Ukuthula Sandplay, a non-profit providing Silent Group Sandplay to those who would not normally be able to access therapeutic services.

*for an explanation of sandplay see the end of this article.

Let’s start at the beginning and find out more about Bongekile’s journey with sandplay and how she ended up being a facilitator.

How did you find out about Sandplay?

I saw on Facebook or LinkedIn that they were looking for Sandplay facilitators and so I signed up for the training. I was really curious about the silence of the sandplay experience. My background and training is around dealing with trauma and process facilitation, all of which involves talking, so I was curious about how this silence would work!

How was the training for you?

Before stepping into the training I knew we would be playing with sand, but I pictured us rolling in a sandpit! Then, I learned we use a sandtray and not a sandpit!

In the first session I was questioning; “Is this going to work?” I also kept thinking to myself; what do I do? Why am I doing this?

The second session I started to just be there and I stopped judging the space. I started to focus on myself. In this session I started to see how this silence and space would be helpful to others.

I had a lot of expectations going into the training, and the subsequent 6 sessions I had with Lindi. I expected there to be an interpretation of my sandtray, but this is not how the process works. The process allows the individual to find personal meaning in their sandtray.

What has the facilitation experience been like for you?

You facilitate groups of 6 people at a time. I started working with teenagers first, they definitely process a lot. You can see the changes that happen over the course of the 6 sessions. After each session, once participants have left, the facilitator takes photos of each sandtray to keep safe for them. In the final sessions, they have the opportunity to ask questions and you facilitate a reflection. At the end of 6 weeks they can request a feedback session one on one with the facilitator.

Why would you recommend sandplay as a therapeutic technique?

Each individual needs a space and silent moment to be present to themselves. A space for processing whatever comes up. Sandplay gives people space, and as you continue with sessions it becomes more of a practice everyday to be present to yourself. We live in such a fast paced world, sandplay helps you to slow down.

How do you see sandplay being relevant in a South African context?

People go through a lot, there is a lot of trauma. Mental health services are very scarce and very expensive. Sandtray contributes to the service gap in communities where there are fewer resources dedicated to mental health, it provides a way for people to safely process emotions.

Could you share a story from your experience as a facilitator?

In one group, a man in his 60’s got to week 4 of the process and commented that he always used the same miniatures in his sandtrays each week. He asked if he was maybe not creative. I told him that this is his process and that he is using what is meaningful to himself. As the 6 weeks finished off, he commented that he enjoyed the play that sandplay allowed him as an adult, saying that it had been a very long time since he had really played. He stated that when you stop playing, you enter into adulthood.

“It is so important to awaken our play!” Bongekile.

Thanks to Bongekile, Lindi and the Ukuthula Sandplay team for all the amazing work you are doing in communities.

Information about Ukuthula Sandplay

Anyone can benefit from a sandplay session. It is gentle and non-invasive. The individual sets their own pace and makes their own creation in the sandtray.

To find out more about Ukuthula’s work, have a look at their lovely website https://ukuthulasandplay.com/

You can book sandplay sessions for yourself, or for a group. Contact Lindi on [email protected]

You can make more therapy available to those who wouldn’t normally be able to afford mental health services by making a donation to Ukuthula. There are ways to donate on the website https://ukuthulasandplay.com/get-involved/

What is Sandplay?

Sandplay is a therapeutic technique where each participant has a sandtray (pictured below), full of sand. They have access to numerous miniatures and they create a scene with their chosen miniatures in their sandtray. Ukuthula uses the Silent Group Sandplay method, up to 6 participants at a time working on their sandtrays.

“Sandplay, as a non-verbal, non-invasive expressive, creative activity is effective for internal processing, and activating and supporting emotional and psychological healing. Sandplay facilitates a sense of calmness, and increased awareness, activates a desire to play, and cooperativeness and supports integration and a sense of belonging.” Ukuthula website.

The post An Interview with a Sandplay Facilitator: Bongekile Ngcobo appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

16 February 2024

There’s something incredibly exciting happening on the outside of my play therapy room wall in Howick…

And I am delighted to introduce you to the artist who is making it happen! Lori is a person with a brilliant mix of creativity, administrative skills and sporting prowess. She’s working in sports and marketing at the moment, but ultimately hopes to become a teacher one day.

I asked Lori what her preferred age range to teach would be and she had such a hard time pinning any one age group down! I think that the bottom line is, Lori has a gift for teaching and with her versatile strengths will work with a range of kids her whole life.

How did Lori come to be painting my wall?

Lori is marrying a lovely man called Shaun in early April this year. Shaun and Lori put out an ad on Facebook showcasing their skills and how they are using these to raise funds to pay for their wedding. Her mural work caught my eye, we started a conversation and our mural painting adventure began! (My contribution to this adventure being cups of tea and coffee!!)

The lovely thing about a mural, and particularly what Lori’s doing with my mural, is each piece is a work in itself and so we can continue adding to it for months to come. Endless possibilities! And, I love seeing Lori’s delight in the process too.

Lori getting a bit of “help” from a local.

Lori’s story of mural painting

Lori shared a little about her journey with painting in general and murals in particular. She took art in school but mostly stuck to drawing on paper with graphite. She painted on canvas when she absolutely had to. Painting felt intimidating to her, putting something on canvas felt so permanent as opposed to drawing where if you messed up, you could scrunch up the paper and start again.

About 3 years ago a friend shared a word from God that she would be doing mural paintings. Lori wasn’t ready to take this on board at the time!  However, later on, when she experienced a hunger for creativity, she started painting more and more, practising and honing her skills. When she and Shaun got engaged, they were thinking of ways to earn more money and “murals” just kept coming back to her. And then I got in touch with her and now here she is doing an amazing job! Lori shares that it has been fun and peaceful doing the mural (in spite of some very hot weather and some bleak and rainy weather…)

Spoiler Alert!!

A peak into how it’s looking…

I’m completely in love with this little guy, he’s so cute!

Just about every child I work with tells me a Cheetah is their favourite animal. I love his emerging character. Lori’s attention to detail is amazing!

Lori and Shaun are a really peaceful, creative duo. Lori has listened to what I want, but has also come with ideas and fresh vision, which I truly appreciate. I highly recommend hiring them for a photoshoot, or commission Lori for a unique artwork. Besides their talents, I completely believe in them as a couple and if you hire them, you’re making an investment in an incredible, forever relationship!

A glorious and joyous self-portait!

You can contact Lori on [email protected].

Don’t forget!!

Parent Conversations is open to all parents who want safe, intentional space to chat about parenting. We cover specific topics over the four weeks that most parents struggle with at one time or another. Feel free to contact me if you have questions! Don’t miss out on this opportunity if you’re feeling alone in your parenting struggles!

The post Introducing the Creative Lorimer O’bree appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

I recently had an intentional discussion with a mom of two middle-school aged kids about fear, trauma, resilience and coping. Her story highlights the negative impact emotionally absent parenting brings. It highlights how important ongoing connection is with children to help them feel emotionally safe and to help them to learn how to deal with fears both big and small.

I grew up in a farming community during the height of the apartheid years when there was a lot of violence in KZN. My primary school experience was quite frightening; I have clear memories of our school being guarded by the army and police. At home, we had a ‘safe room’ in the house and we were very aware of what we had to do to try and keep safe if we were attacked.

Sounds very frightening, was anyone there to help soothe you, to help you deal with the scariness of it?

Not really. My mom was not available. She was always working. My dad was away with the army. It really didn’t feel like there was anyone there to help us regulate our emotions. I love my parents. I know they were dealing with their own stress and depression in different ways as we were growing up.

You’re an emotionally in-tune and available mom to your kids these days. How did you learn to be available even though your own parents couldn’t be?

I had my horses. I had to do everything for them myself; care for them, train them, keep them fit and healthy. I felt a complete acceptance from the horses, I felt independent and competent being with them. I think this really built my relational skills; I learned  care and compassion through being with my horses. To this day, when I visualise my safe space, I think of sitting in the paddock with my horses at the farm.

What other relationships have been healing for you?

My relationship with my husband. My good friend is such a massive support and inspiration to me. Also, my children, I want to make different choices for their sake than my mom did. I want to be present and available. My children need me to be there for them, they need the parent that I didn’t have.

What reward do you get from being a present mom?

Getting to spend those special moments with my kids, the hugs and cuddles or the times they want to talk. I have learned to be in the moment with my non-affectionate child and drop everything when he wants a hug, I need it as much as he does.

In your journey, you’ve decided to do things even when you’re terrified of them, how has this benefitted you?

I have lived a lot of my life being held back by my fears. But I recognise that I have to grow, for the sake of my husband and my children. I was always terrified of the ocean. My husband has helped me to love and embrace it. I discovered that when you put your head underwater it is so peaceful. I really love it now.

What would you like to say to other people who are struggling with trauma-related issues from the past?

I would say to others, find a practice that calms you. Find a way to slow yourself down.

These days I have a practice of getting into the water daily for 5 minutes – yes, even in Winter! I have a mantra I say to myself often, and especially when I go into the cold water and it is “I can do hard things.” This is a very intentional “I can do hard things” practice for me. I practice taking deep breaths. I calm my mind down by saying to myself “Calm your body down. Breath. Calm your mind down.” Instead of getting that panicking feeling in the freezing cold water, I intentionally calm myself down. And then I think about everything I am grateful for and focus on those things.

I find that I carry this calm through my day, and when I get stressed out or into a panic, I tell myself “Pretend you’re in the pool. Calm down. You can do hard things.” It’s working really well as a coping strategy right now. I find myself being more calm in the moment, less explosive and not getting as angry quickly.

To the mom I had this discussion with, thank you. You are truly an inspiration. You were scared, but had this discussion with me anyway, thank you.

This mom’s story is so full of many strengths. She had no one to help regulate her emotional and sensory system (ie: help her calm down in her body or her emotions) when she was younger, but she has and is working out how to do that for herself now. She’s practising, like all of us not always getting it right, but practising – even when she’s terrified!

We talked about so many things that I haven’t captured them all here. But I will return to it to present more nuggets for you to think about.

Yours in healing from the wounds of the past.

The post An interview: Living in the aftermath of trauma and disconnection appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

I have the absolute pleasure of introducing a new friend and colleague to you, Loryn Davies! I chatted to Loryn about what makes her tick as a social worker and play therapy practitioner.

I love that Loryn’s journey in some ways mirrors my own, we both cut our teeth in play therapy in the context of trauma – hectic but beautiful as we both found ourselves falling in love with play therapy through the process! We’re both social workers, we both love it and wouldn’t be anything else!

Loryn is new-ish in the Midlands area and I thought I’d introduce her here because we’re doing a few worky (fun) things together and I think you’ll like her :  )

Loryn, tell us about you!

I’ve always been a rescuer, of animals, of people who needed help or people who didn’t particularly fit in. My mom said I should be a social worker and I told her that was a ridiculous idea! I studied politics, I was fascinated by the concept of community; how the community is supported and where community development fits into the big picture in society. One day in university I went to a social work lecture with a friend and ended up falling in love! I loved the practicality of the course and so, I changed tac and signed up for my social work degree.

In my 4th year of social work studies I worked with young offenders. I developed a real empathy for how people develop socially unacceptable behaviours. I saw the impact of early trauma on each offender. This grew a real desire in me to work in child protection, to work to prevent children being exposed to high risk situation where they get traumatised. I wanted to work with children at the earliest stage to prevent them from becoming adults who can’t function in community.

I see myself as a nest where there is nurture, warmth and gentleness. I am a safe place for people to come to, not a place to live forever, but where they can receive what they need, then spread their wings and fly!

What is the difference between play therapy and other forms of therapy for you?

Play therapy creates a really engaging space. Being in talk therapy can be stoic, there is pressure on the client to divulge, it can feel uncomfortable and pressurised. In the play therapy space, the client and the therapist play together. There is a mutual relationship building. The therapist adjusts to the level of the child, they get excited about what the child gets excited about. Play therapy helps to balance out the hard work and the fun of therapy. Play is fun and enjoyment for them!

What do you enjoy most about play therapy?

The privilege of being invited to a child’s world. Social work is my calling, and it’s a real privilege when a child allows me into their sacred space.

What is your favourite way to play as an adult?

I’m a very playful creature! I love the outdoors, I love hiking and playing with my dogs. I love doing animal assisted activities and animal-assisted therapy with children. (Linda: We absolutely need to have another conversation about this some time!) I also love open water swimming and being in the ocean waves.

Loryn, thanks so much. It’s so good to catch a glimpse of your heart and passion.

How do people get hold of you to book play therapy sessions for their child?

[email protected]

083 308 3024

Loryn and I are excited to be doing a play therapy experience, a play co-lab, if you will, in the 4th term! Watch this space for details…

This will be a play therapy experience for adults who want to find out a bit more about what play therapy is and “how it works”. If your child is in play therapy, or has been in the past, or you’re thinking about it, you’d be so welcome to come to this event and find out more! This will not be a therapy session, but will be a hands-on experience and lots of fun!

The post Introducing appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

My daughter and I recently did a co-lab in which we interviewed my parents, aka Papi and Gogo, about their childhoods, play and sibling experiences.

Q1. What did you like to play when you were a little girl/boy?

Gogo: I liked to play “I declare war” and “hide and go seek” and also “charms” – similar to marbles but played with tiny little Disney characters.

Papi: Tree climbing was my favourite thing. And I really enjoyed reading.

Q2. How many brothers and sisters do you have?:

Gogo: I have 4 brothers and 1 sister.

Papi: I have 4 brothers and 3 half sisters.

Q3. Did you ever fight with your brothers and sisters? If yes, what did you fight about? If no, how come?:

Gogo: I fought with my brothers while playing Monopoly and cards.

Papi: I never fought with my sisters who were much older than me. I rarely fought with my brothers. How did you rarely fight with your brothers??!! We had a very strict father, if we weren’t nice to one another, he would smack us with a stick. Our mother would smack us with a hairbrush. (Yikes!! Mostly, times have changed in this regard).

Q4. What advice can you give to siblings to get on better with each other?:

Gogo: My advice is to show respect.

Papi: To play with each other.

Q5. Who was your favourite sibling?

Gogo: My older brother Gavin (aka the best Gav ever) because he was kind, smart and we used to cook together.

Papi: When I was small, probably the youngest, because he depended on me a lot, and I taught him a lot of bad things.

Like what? I taught him to smoke. One day my mother caught us. My older brother and I threw our cigarettes away, but the youngest stood with his cigarette in hand saying “We’re not smoking mum.” Needless to say we all got hidings. We were 6, 5 and 4 years old at the time. Yikes.

Sneaky Q6. Who is your favourite grandchild?:

Gogo diplomatically (and honestly) says: I don’t have a favourite grandchild.

Papi: I don’t have favourites. I treat them all equally badly. (Unlike Gogo, Papi is not being honest) I probably give the cereal killer more “grief”. (He knows who he is).

Cereal killer as captured by Papi

Thanks Papi and Gogo for being on The Pink Couch with us!

The post Papi and Gogo on the Pink Couch appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

Be involved. Be present. Get a bicycle.

In honour of Father’s Day, here is a brief interview with a handsome young dad (AHYD for short).

Me: What advice would you give other dad’s?

AHYD: Be involved. Be present. Get a bicycle.

Me: What do you mean “be present”?

AHYD: Give your children your time. When you have a limited time budget and limited emotional bandwidth, you have to choose how to spend each of these wisely.

Discussion about emotional bandwidth ensues…

My summary of our discussion: Basically, at the end of a long working day in which there are many demands and much pressure, one can arrive home somewhat emotionally depleted and want nothing more than to lie on the couch watching downhill mountain biking videos. But, that doesn’t help when the children are in need of time and attention. Sometimes one has to put one’s own needs aside in order to be fully present to play and interact while the children are awake.

AHYD playing charades with his children

Back to the interview…

Me: Get a bicycle?

Actually, no, to be honest I didn’t interrogate this part because I know the answer. Get a bicycle means find something you love to do for yourself and do it. This is AHYD’s way of self-care, exercise and getting out there in the world to move freely through the air with speed and replenish his emotional bandwidth.

Post-script: no handsome young dads were harmed in this interview.

Post-post-script: I am married to this handsome young dad. He is truly a great dad. And, yes, we’re both definitely still claiming the “young” bit.

The post A brief interview tih a handsome young dad appeared first on Linda Smallbones.