15 March 2024

“Our hearts are broken about things that are broken…” Jennie Allen.

This has been resounding in my soul ever since I read it. I have times of feeling heartbroken for people and situations who are broken, including myself, I think most of us do.  None of is completely whole all of the time.

If this is you right now, I see you.

Here is the rest of the quote.

“…and we need people to be with us in it and not to just fix the problem. But to feel what it is we’re going through.” Jennie Allen

Be as broken as you might need to be, but share it with someone. Someone you know will really listen, not try and fix it, but hear you and see you.

Photo by Josue Escoto on Unsplash

With all of my love and compassion,

Linda  

 

The post Broken things appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

When we as parents try to always fix things for our child, we tend to do them a great disservice.

Many parents come to see me to ask me, directly or indirectly, to “fix” their child. I completely understand.

I often first see parents when they’re already at the end of their capacity and it’s become imperative that someone else help. I’ve been there too. You just want someone else to take the reins, to tell you what to do with your child. You want a break from the pressure and relentlessness of parenting.

I completely understand when a parent asks me to “fix” a child. But I cannot. Neither can you.

We are not machines to be fixed or re-set, we are beings who deeply need and desire connection. Relationships and connection require work and no one else but you can do the work needed to repair and work on relationship with your child. Play therapy can be a bridge that helps to support this relational work. I can support you and encourage you in the journey, but I have no magic formula or button to press that can fix anything.

It is our privilege as parents to be on a journey with our children, to move alongside them as they grow, develop and change. We need to move from the “fix it” mentality to the journey mentality.

“The journey is the destination”

~ Paul Young.

The journey is where resilience, tenacity and grit are developed.

When we as parents try to always fix things for our child, we tend to do them a great disservice. When we try to make things more comfortable, the unpleasant things more palatable, when try to remove the scary things or shield them from “negative” emotions, when we do these things, we are preventing them from building resilience.

“Provide children with manageable amounts of age-appropriate challenges and risks. Let them fail in ways that they can fix. Give them the opportunities they need to develop all the qualities they’ll need to immunize themselves against future problems that are inevitable in life.”

Dr. Michael Ungar.

Very recently, my daughter had a mini freakout because she most definitely did not want to go on a school hike. Honestly, the weather forecast looked abysmal, and I was silently questioning whether she would handle it emotionally, just from how she was reacting. But we worked through her feelings with her and sent her off anyway. She came back on top of the world. The hike wasn’t necessarily comfortable, but she had a sense of accomplishment and in the end there were more great things than not about the whole experience. She learned she can do hard, uncomfortable things. This was not something we could “fix”, or needed to! Be aware that our children’s feelings can trigger over-protection, a fear response, and “rescue mode”! We can become fully fledged helicopters when it really isn’t at all necessary.

The best gift we can give our children is not “fixing” things for them, but journeying with them. You don’t have to do it alone, seek support from fellow parents, friends and family. Sometimes professional help may be needed, but don’t regard this as a quick fix or someone else’s problem, you are always very much part of the journey.

The post Fix it! appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

I recently had an intentional discussion with a mom of two middle-school aged kids about fear, trauma, resilience and coping. Her story highlights the negative impact emotionally absent parenting brings. It highlights how important ongoing connection is with children to help them feel emotionally safe and to help them to learn how to deal with fears both big and small.

I grew up in a farming community during the height of the apartheid years when there was a lot of violence in KZN. My primary school experience was quite frightening; I have clear memories of our school being guarded by the army and police. At home, we had a ‘safe room’ in the house and we were very aware of what we had to do to try and keep safe if we were attacked.

Sounds very frightening, was anyone there to help soothe you, to help you deal with the scariness of it?

Not really. My mom was not available. She was always working. My dad was away with the army. It really didn’t feel like there was anyone there to help us regulate our emotions. I love my parents. I know they were dealing with their own stress and depression in different ways as we were growing up.

You’re an emotionally in-tune and available mom to your kids these days. How did you learn to be available even though your own parents couldn’t be?

I had my horses. I had to do everything for them myself; care for them, train them, keep them fit and healthy. I felt a complete acceptance from the horses, I felt independent and competent being with them. I think this really built my relational skills; I learned  care and compassion through being with my horses. To this day, when I visualise my safe space, I think of sitting in the paddock with my horses at the farm.

What other relationships have been healing for you?

My relationship with my husband. My good friend is such a massive support and inspiration to me. Also, my children, I want to make different choices for their sake than my mom did. I want to be present and available. My children need me to be there for them, they need the parent that I didn’t have.

What reward do you get from being a present mom?

Getting to spend those special moments with my kids, the hugs and cuddles or the times they want to talk. I have learned to be in the moment with my non-affectionate child and drop everything when he wants a hug, I need it as much as he does.

In your journey, you’ve decided to do things even when you’re terrified of them, how has this benefitted you?

I have lived a lot of my life being held back by my fears. But I recognise that I have to grow, for the sake of my husband and my children. I was always terrified of the ocean. My husband has helped me to love and embrace it. I discovered that when you put your head underwater it is so peaceful. I really love it now.

What would you like to say to other people who are struggling with trauma-related issues from the past?

I would say to others, find a practice that calms you. Find a way to slow yourself down.

These days I have a practice of getting into the water daily for 5 minutes – yes, even in Winter! I have a mantra I say to myself often, and especially when I go into the cold water and it is “I can do hard things.” This is a very intentional “I can do hard things” practice for me. I practice taking deep breaths. I calm my mind down by saying to myself “Calm your body down. Breath. Calm your mind down.” Instead of getting that panicking feeling in the freezing cold water, I intentionally calm myself down. And then I think about everything I am grateful for and focus on those things.

I find that I carry this calm through my day, and when I get stressed out or into a panic, I tell myself “Pretend you’re in the pool. Calm down. You can do hard things.” It’s working really well as a coping strategy right now. I find myself being more calm in the moment, less explosive and not getting as angry quickly.

To the mom I had this discussion with, thank you. You are truly an inspiration. You were scared, but had this discussion with me anyway, thank you.

This mom’s story is so full of many strengths. She had no one to help regulate her emotional and sensory system (ie: help her calm down in her body or her emotions) when she was younger, but she has and is working out how to do that for herself now. She’s practising, like all of us not always getting it right, but practising – even when she’s terrified!

We talked about so many things that I haven’t captured them all here. But I will return to it to present more nuggets for you to think about.

Yours in healing from the wounds of the past.

The post An interview: Living in the aftermath of trauma and disconnection appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

I want to share this sweet story to illustrate how we can partner with our children to build resilience in them after hurts and setbacks.

My daughter got hit in the face during her hockey game, it really hurt. No blood or broken bones, thankfully, but it was sore. I think she was also in a bit of shock.

We got home and she and I had a chat about what happened and then we had a little dance around the house to “Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba. (I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna to keep me down.)

We danced around the house together, having such fun and attracting strange looks from my husband and son! My daughter loved this and is back on the hockey field!

Resilience is the ability to deal with adversity without becoming overwhelmed by it (Edith Grotberg, 1999). We help our children build resilience by walking with them through a setback or injury or hardship.

There is no way we can shelter or rescue our children from every difficult thing, and nor should we. If we constantly rescue them, they will grow into irresponsible, apathetic individuals who are unable to tolerate even vague discomfort because they won’t have a coping skill in sight.

In this story, the mom provided time for learning and resilience building with her daughter. She spoke with her first, she took some time to check in with how she was doing. She knew she was sore but that actually the shock of being hurt was more than the pain itself. She acknowledged her daughter’s feelings.

After the listening and acknowledgment, mom invited her daughter to dance with her and they sang the song lyrics at the tops of their voices. These had huge meaning for the little girl and her mom in the moment. Movement, music, connection and laughter brought the story to a positive close for the day.

What did the little girl learn in the process? Bad things happen, and sometimes they hurt a lot. Mom helps to listen and care for me when bad things happen. Mom will be there for me. Mom is reliable when I can’t cope all on my own. Things hurt for a while, but they do start to feel better. I can be loved and have fun even if I maybe still hurt a little. Everything is going to be ok given time because I am loved and cared for.

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