3o August 2024

The Brene Brown quote I used in my blog on Being Deeply Human,  got me thinking about the concept of mastery and how important it is in the development of a child. I thought it might be useful to explore a bit more.

First, here’s that quote:

“It may seem counterintuitive, but one of the biggest barriers to working toward mastery is perfectionism. In our leadership research, we’ve learned that achieving mastery requires curiosity and viewing mistakes and failures as opportunities for learning. Perfectionism kills curiosity by telling us that we have to know everything or we risk looking ‘less than.’ Perfectionism tells us that our mistakes and failures are personal defects, so we either avoid trying new things or we barely recover every time we inevitably fall short.” Brene Brown in Atlas of the Heart (2021)

Mastery is defined as knowledge and skill that allows you to do or understand something very well, or to have complete control over something.

A psychological definition of mastery is to have an inner sense of competence. The inner voice that says “You got this.” or a satisfied “I did that!”

Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash

Born to master

Toddlers rate themselves. They show a good deal of pleasure when they have been trying to do something and eventually master it. It’s a beautiful thing when you see their inner sense of competence through their words and actions “I did it!”

My son’s phrase as a toddler was “Do it ‘self” – because he knew he could, and he did. Sometimes he did take it too far, like when he was on his Papi’s lap in the game reserve “driving” and told Papi to take his hands off the steering wheel because “I know what I’m doing.” He was two! Like I said, toddlers rate themselves.

Children’s natural curiosity enables them to master as many things as they can, a handy thing, as in the first 5 years of life they learn an extraordinary number of skills.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The struggle is needed

In general, adults do too many things for children, hover too closely when they are playing, ready to catch them at the first sign of a wobble, and intervene too quickly in normal childhood spats with siblings or friends. We intervene before it is actually necessary and potentially prevent mastery from being achieved. If there is no struggle with a new skill, they never fully achieve that inner sense of competence. The  result of this is that the child feels they can’t do anything alone, and emotionally they tend to be anxious and needy. They don’t feel competent or self-confident.

I was talking to a caregiver recently who confessed that she used to jump up to help her 8 year old grandson with whatever he asked her to do, even if it inconvenienced her. She did this out of love and a desire to nurture. He would ask for something, like a glass of water from the kitchen, and she would get it. She started to realise this was creating a dependence and contributing to spoiling him and so she has stopped doing for the child what he can actually do for himself. We talked about the fact that every now and then there is no harm in doing something out of a place of nurturing, even when children can do it themselves. This might be doing a little more for them when they are sick, or when they’ve had a really tough time, but not recommended as a daily occurrence.

Struggle vs. Frustration

Violet Oaklander writes that mastery requires some struggle on the part of the child. “ A baby learns from struggle, and with each mastery experience develops the strength to deal with frustration.”  from Hidden Treasure: A Map to the Child’s Inner Self.  (2007) She states that it is important to differentiate between struggle and frustration, that when frustration starts to become evident, extra support be offered – in order to help the child on their road to mastery.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Here’s an example of the difference between struggle and frustration. A little girl of 8 years old sits in Maths class and doesn’t get what everyone else seems to be getting, her struggle is real but she keeps on, trying to get it. As time in the lesson goes on, her struggle escalates into frustration which manifests in tears. The teacher notices the tears to ask her what she is crying about and laughs at her for crying about Maths. Is there any mastery experienced for this child in this lesson? No, certainly not. And neither is there any support in her experience of frustration.

Mastery is about mistakes, not perfection

We can support children by helping them recognise where their personal limits are – what is your child’s “I did it!” right now? It is going to be different from someone else’s. For example, mastery for a grade one ‘neurotypical’ child is different for a grade one who is on the autism spectrum.

Sometimes we have to help children see the difference between what they can realistically do and what they think others expect of them.

Mastery is about the individual’s sense of competence, not about how perfectly they have performed. And, it includes the mistakes made along the way!

Your role as a caregiver or parent in the struggle is to notice there is a struggle, and to assess how you can best support in the moment; maybe it’s to be an empathic support, maybe it’s to step in when you can see they’re moving into frustration, maybe it’s to be a strong advocate on their behalf.

Ultimately, here is a good rule of thumb; don’t do for your child what they can do for themselves.

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What do you value most? Recently I was with a group of teens and one of them was talking about how she wants to be famous one day. Perhaps underlying this dream is value for really being known, for significance in a more public space.

That’s great for her, I couldn’t imagine anything worse for myself! It’s just not my value! (Of course I didn’t say that to her!)

        What do you value most?

No, really. What is it? What do you live your life by? If you were to examine how you live, what patterns do you notice come up for you in terms of choices? Your choices and behaviour link to your core beliefs and values.

Perhaps you’re engaged in behaviour and choices you’re not proud of or don’t actually sit “right” in your deepest self. What if these are simply signposts to what your true self and true values actually are!

Maybe it’s time for a pause for reflection to bring your unconscious ways of being into your conscious and reflect on your values.

I’ve added my values to my website. You can find them here, if you’re interested!

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Perhaps it’s the fact that we’re nearing the end of the second term (aka, I’m tired), but I’ve had a real need to be creative recently. I have learned to take cognizance of  the urge to create because it usually is telling me my brain needs a break from thinking and planning and just needs to ‘space out’ by being imaginative and intuitive with no specific goal or agenda in mind except to create!

I received an unlined journal recently, perfect for filling with whatever I want. I’ve been having fun with it. I wanted to share a couple of things from it for those who are curious about journalling and asking ‘but how do I start?’ I don’t know if what I’ve been doing is called anything… Nothing as fancy as ‘art journalling’…but, it is simply a space I want to fill with colour with whatever I want. Creative process journalling, maybe?

Doesn’t matter, call it what you want, but what it does need is to be filled with whatever takes your creative fancy! I am purposefully not doing much writing in this one as I want to let my right brain dominate!

Here’s one idea. Take a colour you love and make a collage out of it. I used old gardening magazines, decor magazines also work really well. I buy several magazines at a time from charity shops, cheap as chips!!

Instead of writing my own words, I find whimsical poems which make me smile. I write them out and decorate or draw around them. I have a couple of books of poetry by Clive Lawrance which I just love. I found a yellow butterfly online and copied it. (Again, the process was the thing that brought me joy here, don’t judge the ‘artistry’!)

This journal is going to be full of whatever pleases me. Things I like to look at, that I will enjoy looking at again and again. Things that might not turn out quite as aesthetically pleasing as I’d hoped, but nonetheless I get to enjoy the process of creating. Just because.

I highly recommend something of this sort if you’ve been spending a lot of time in your left brain problem solving and thinking. Get simple and uncomplicated, it’s so refreshing!!

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There’s more to it than just deleting apps off my phone!

So, it’s almost two weeks into my social media fast. And I love it! Here are some things that have changed…

1. I don’t scroll for “2 minutes” which then turns into an hour. Instead, I do something I actually want or need to do such as read a book, I talk to someone, or I go to sleep!
2. I am reading a lot. I’ve always been a reader, but I am making more time for non-fiction reading which I didn’t before. (More on what I’ve been reading in a bit).
3. I am thinking more deeply about some things that I really need to think about because I am much less distracted.
4. I like to think I am living more present and available in general.
5. I am writing more. Ok, this one I am really still working on! I have writing projects of different kinds in my mind, carving out the time to write productively and meaningfully has been tough, but it certainly is a goal of this time and one that I wasn’t even remotely close to before because of wasted time and fractured thinking.
6. My children have noticed. I asked them if they have noticed that I haven’t been on my phone as much. “Yes” Wow, ok! What have I been doing instead? “Reading. And we noticed you deleted YouTube off your phone!”

I’m sure there are other benefits that will unfold as I reflect more and as time passes. I’ll keep you updated!

The book I am reading currently is called Deep Work: Rules for focused success in a distracted world. by Cal Newport. It is challenging, fascinating and incredibly helpful to read in this particular time for me. I can highly recommend it if you’re feeling unfulfilled in what you’re doing, and perhaps you need to reflect on some of the ways that you’re living life. He focuses a lot on productivity in the workplace, but I believe it’s applicable through all aspects of life.

Deep work: Professional activities performed in a state of distraction-free concentration that push your cognitive capabilities to their limit. These efforts create new value, improve your skill, and are hard to replicate.

On the same lines, I can recommend the work of John Mark Comer who wrote a book called The ruthless elimination of hurry: How to stay emotionally healthy and spiritually alive in the chaos of the modern world. He has also spoken on this topic a lot, here is a link to a talk of his. (Yes, a social media link! No scrolling was undertaken in this process!)

I also want to share this short interview between  Happily Family and Rachel Macy Stafford on bringing balance to parenting, all around trying to eliminate distraction and engage in real connection.

I think we can all agree, something has to change. The world is not getting any slower. But we can make decisions to help us slow down in it, and enjoy it. We can’t change everything at once, but perhaps we can change just one thing. Mine has been stopping social media (perhaps forever, watch this space), what could yours be?

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I would like to suggest it’s the time of year for consolidation. It’s time to establish your gains. It’s time to take what you have and make it stronger by celebrating it.

~to become, or cause something to become, stronger, and more certain ~ Cambridge Dictionary.

~to consolidate something you have, you strengthen it so that it becomes more effective or secure ~ Collins Dictionary.

I’ve been doing a very simple, but effective (for me) practice for the last couple of months, and that is a weekly consolidation. This is stopping at the end of a week to “take stock” of everything that has happened in that week.

This consolidation is not about ticking off what I have done on my to-do list, although that can certainly be a very satisfying part of it (sometimes!).

It is about looking back on what the week has held; emotional ups and downs, difficult meetings and people, lovely interactions and lovely people, or negotiating brave spaces. This is about celebrating what I’ve handled well, and reflecting on what could have been done better or what I found difficult. Essentially, consolidation is about making meaning of life even as it goes at such a pace.

Stopping to consolidate helps to slow me down to think long enough so that my work becomes more about awareness and less about performance or ticking boxes.

How I do it is by journalling, or sometimes simply by scanning my diary and thinking through my week. Sometimes it’s very comprehensive, and sometimes it’s just a couple of highlights. You can consolidate by talking your week through with someone, if you’re a verbal processor. You can draw a timeline of your week. There aren’t any rules, just go with your gut, start and see what happens.

I would like to suggest it’s the time of year for consolidation. It’s time to establish your gains. To return to the dictionary definitions, it’s time to take what you have and make it stronger by celebrating it. When we look back and think about how far we’ve come, we grow in gratitude, appreciation of our strengths, and we can put our “failures” into perspective.

Let me know how it goes if you practice something similar already or if you try it out for the first time. I’d love to hear from you!

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Running out of stamina is an indication that there is something we need to receive. Give yourself permission to say yes when offers of help are given.

Coronavirus, the Latin name for uncertainty. It’s not, I’ll say that quickly before I am accused of spreading fake news. But it (certainly!) feels like it is uncertainty by a different name.

Week to week things are changing and shifting. As scientists and medics discover new information about the virus, new regulations are rolled out. Things are loosing up, things are getting stricter. Kids are returning to school. Oh, no wait, they’re not yet.

In the middle of this, as South Africa starts to hit our peak, we do need to remain vigilant, even as we feel we’ve had enough of isolating and distancing.

There are some things that I do believe can boost that stamina as we settle in for the long haul of keeping ourselves and our families and communities safe and well.

Look how far we’ve come!

If you’re a parent, what have you noticed about your child’s coping with the situation? Stop and notice how they have adapted through this time. It may even be helpful to make a list of these and over the next days and weeks, speak those out to your child. “I am so proud of you for the way you have worked so independently on your school work!” Having them written down also helps for the days when you’re struggling with the 24/7, in -your- space, stamina-parenting stuff and you literally need to remind yourself of what is good.

How about you? In what ways have you adapted over the past two months to this situation? Take stock, be proud of yourself for where you have already got to!

A practical activity for the whole family could be to make your own certificates. You could each make your own certificate for yourself and share it with each other, or make certificates for one another, focusing on positive coping. For example; “What I am most proud of myself for in lockdown is…” or “I have learned that I… (insert positive coping here)”

Invest your energy well

During this time, what are you doing that is giving you enjoyment? Make space for that as often as you can, and to the level that is good and helpful for you.

What are the things that are draining your energy? If you cannot clean the kitchen one more time this week…then don’t. It is ok if standards slip in the name of good mental health during this time.

I really believe creative expression is a key to coping in these times. Find something that is fun and creative for you and enjoy doing that. I have been colouring in a lot! In times when I just cannot think any more and I need to zone out, this has been a great energy investment. I have a finished product at the end, I have a wall full of colour in my office, and even while I think I am not thinking, I am actually allowing my brain to process and sort and calm. Wonderful therapy!

Note: as soon as the creative activity starts becoming a performance, stop doing it. It should be giving energy and life back to you, not depleting it!

Receive

This one is important for all of us. Running out of stamina is an indication that there is something we need to receive. Give yourself permission to say yes when offers of help are given.

Take time to receive what others are offering you in love, care and affection. Cherish the hug your child gives you. Receive the compliment you’re paid and enjoy it. Sit in the Winter sun and enjoy the warmth of the rays, simple but often profoundly cheering. Sunshine is free. So are the smiles of others.

When you’re in a cranky spot with yourself or others, stop and ask yourself what it is you need to receive in this time. Rather than being a selfish, self-focused exercise, this is one that sets up a cycle of generosity that you can give from. We can only give away what we’ve been given. We can give from a place of low resources for a while, but not indefinitely.

Let out your big feelings

We all have feelings that feel as though they are taking over our body, they feel in control of us. Find avenues to express your big feelings. Cry, scream and shout (preferably into your pillow, not at your family). Give yourself permission for the emotional days of feeling completely overwhelmed.

Every single person I have spoken to about their emotions during this time has said that they have had them. We are not alone.

Lower your expectations of your productivity on those days, and allow yourself to ride the crest of the emotion. You will land on the shore soon enough and continue on your way.

In the meantime, if you feel stuck- like you’re just not able to come in to shore – in these big feelings especially if they are brought on by loss or trauma, reach out for help.

We can do this!

No doubt there are still hardships ahead for all of us for many different reasons. But. We CAN do this. And it really is ok on the days when your whole being is telling you that you can’t. Please, on those days, don’t go to bed without having shared that thought with at least one other person you trust.

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