16 August 2024

Hello! I feel like I need to introduce myself again, it’s been a while.

I’ve missed being here in the blog regularly, I really have. I have written many, many (fabulous) blogs in my head and not written a single one down. Sometimes the flow is just there, because I am able to make space for it, and sometimes I am just doing other things.

I am embracing being deeply human. 

Thank you to Lisa Dion  – Synergetic Play Therapy founder – for this language that I have found incredibly freeing. I have been taking her Synergetic Play Therapy intro course online and this is one of the most profound things she talks about in module 2 through posing these questions;

Can we settle for being deeply human? Can we just keep the bar we set for ourselves and others at human?

This has led me to reflect on what I expect of myself, and what I expect of others. Those expectations that arise couched in judgmental “should” language.

We’ve told ourselves that being human is an excuse for not doing what we or others “should” be doing. 

Being human is not an excuse, it is recognizing that there are times when our human needs take precedence over the need to look good or succeed.

Comparison plays a huge part in the “shoulds” we put on ourselves. The truth is, each person has different capacity, different passions and values, varying resources available to them and are in totally different emotional spaces. If someone else’s output is more prolific than mine, maybe a question would be what is the price they pay for what they are achieving? Every achievement represents a cost to self, it may totally and completely worth it, or not. What is the price I am willing to pay to achieve something, and how do I keep my humanity at the core of that?

Set the bar at human, not perfect

“It may seem counter-intuitive, but one of the biggest barriers to working towards mastery is perfectionism. In our leadership research, we’ve learned that achieving mastery requires curiosity and viewing mistakes and failures as opportunities for learning. Perfectionism kills curiosity by telling us that we have to know everything or we risk looking ‘less than’. Perfectionism tells us that our mistakes and failures are personal defects, so we either avoid trying new things or we barely recover every time we inevitably fall short.” Brene Brown in Atlas of the Heart(2021)

Here’s my takeaway from this quote; you can’t achieve mastery (an inner sense of competence) without fully being your imperfect human self!

Be a human parent

Did you know, in attachment theory it is found that you only have to be attuned to your child 30% of the time for you and your child to have a positive attachment relationship? Of course, this is in the context of providing a love and safety within a caring environment. One cannot be abusive 70% of the time and attuned the other 30% and still expect a healthy attachment relationship.

And then there is the concept of “good enough” parenting, that no one need be or can be a perfect parent, but one can do their best and be good enough. There is permission to make mistakes, to miss your child’s cues, but within the context of love and care, be good enough.

Photo by Alberto Casetta on Unsplash

Invitation to self-reflection

Being deeply human looks different to you than me because we are fundamentally unique. These are some of my reflection questions around this right now, they may be useful to you.

What do I need to do to consistently recharge my energy levels on a daily and weekly basis? Where am I expecting more of myself than I can give?

Am I compromising value boundaries to please others?

Who am I made to be in this world and how does that help guide me towards my priorities?

What are my expectations of myself, really? It may help to write them down and critically examine them, thinking about what is realistic and what is not.

Thanks for being here, go and enjoy being your uniquely, flawed human self!

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It might be time for a little mid-year check-in. How kind are you being to yourself as a parent?

“Every time I read a book about how to be smarter, how not to be sad, how to raise children and be happy and grow old gracefully, I think, “Well, I won’t make those mistakes, I won’t have to go through that,” but we all have to go through that. Everything they went through, we’ll go through. Life isn’t a vicarious experience. You get it figured out and then one day life happens to you. You prepare yourself for grief and loss, arrange your ballast and then the wave swamps the boat.” Garrison Keillor in “Leaving Home: A collection of Lake Wobegon Stories.”

Here is my punt for self-compassion, dear fellow parent. You can prepare yourself as much as you would like, but. But, when you get there and you don’t handle it like you would like to, like you believe you can or should or could have, don’t beat yourself up. As I read recently, don’t get into a “should storm”!

Every single stage of your child’s development, they will change – juuuuussst as you were getting the hang of it all! At the same time, you are changing too. Parenting is done in the middle of a much larger story. There is not a whole lot we can truly control in the externals.

We can control our response to our world. We can decide to become more aware of who we are and how we parent. This is more of an internal journey and what makes it more attractive and attainable is when we do it with self-compassion.

Increasing self-compassion

Here is a self-compassion “check list” to reflect on.

Am I being kind and understanding to myself?

Do I acknowledge that everyone has shortcomings (it’s not just me)?

Am I keeping my negative feelings in perspective?

You could also write yourself a letter as if it was from a close friend, expressing compassion for the part of yourself you may be struggling with as a parent. What kind words and affirmations would your friend use?

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When we come face to face with our own faults, if we look at them through a lens of self-compassion, we have more energy and capacity to change.

I need to look after myself so that I can teach my kids how to and so that I have something in my cup to give them when they need it.

(Real Talk: Parent Conversation Session participant feedback)

In the Parent Conversation sessions, we spend time focusing on self-care and self-nurturing.

Self-care is small everyday acts of kindness towards ourselves that can help bring a little joy.

Self-nurturing is similar, but focuses on the emotion of compassion, allowing the same compassion we have for others/our kids to rise up towards ourselves. Self-nurturing is an attitude that we can foster towards ourselves, no matter where we’re at in ourselves.

When we come face to face with our own faults, if we look at them through a lens of self-compassion, we have more energy and capacity to change. A lack of compassion can lead us to feeling hard, brittle, and broken and we then tend to focus on our parental guilt and failures.

It’s ok. We all have our days when we’re going “I messed up. I can’t do this anymore. I’m done.”

But what if the internal conversation could shift towards…”Yikes. (DEEP breath) Look how I’ve reacted again. (DEEP breath) I wonder what’s happening with me that I reacted that way? (Curious, gentle question)”

If I were my own Fairy Godmother, what would I want to magically give myself right now?

My challenge to parents is to talk to yourself with the same level of compassion and care as you would to your child or others who are really needing kindness. This is not opting out of the hard work of change and growth, this is embracing it. I believe that where we need compassion the most is also our most significant point of pain and point of change.

What is your most gentle, kind encouragement you can give yourself today?

PS: The next round of Parent Conversation Sessions is coming up on Thursdays in August! Click here to join the registration waitlist.

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I read this poem, “It’s not my turn”, written by a mom the other day that brought back so many memories and resentments from when my kids were really little. I honestly wish I had read this at the time to get some perspective and a different mindset.

Everyone told me “This stage goes by so fast, cherish every single moment.” Grrr. I will not say it to anyone else because I know what it’s like to be in the middle of it all, feeling like it will never end, and feeling like whatever I did it was still never enough to meet the relentless demand of parenting two very small children. My two were 14 months apart, an unplanned (tiny) gap. Nothing prepared me for the sheer physicality of having two children under two, let alone the emotional turmoil of it all. Being an introvert didn’t help either, there was no time to just be on my own.

I wish I had read this poem then, to help me come to terms with the fact that it was simply not my turn to be on my own, to sit and read a book or journal. And that it was my turn to be the full-time nurturer, play mate and caregiver of my children. Someone telling me would NOT have helped. Reading this, a poem from another mom’s perspective, written with honesty and integrity maybe would have helped.

Its Friday but Mothers Day is coming 2.jpg

“Toddlers in the Garden” A precious, but tough stage!

So, I have permission to share it now with you  (Thank you Kelcey!). In case it helps you where you’re at right now.

It’s not my turn.

By Kelcey  (www.okiesunshine.com)

It’s not my turn.

It’s not my turn to go where I want, when I want.

It’s not my turn to put my wants and needs first.

It’s not my turn to get butterflies on a first date.

It’s not my turn to plan a wedding.

I’ve had my turn.

It’s not my turn to leisurely enjoy my coffee with slow mornings.

It’s not my turn to explore all of my interests and hobbies.

It’s not my turn to spend my days as I please.

It’s not my turn to spoil grandchildren.

Hopefully, I’ll have my turn.

It’s not my turn to take a Mediterranean vacation.

It’s not my turn to maintain a luscious backyard oasis.

It’s not my turn to have abs.

It’s not my turn to binge-watch Netflix when I’ve had a hard week.

Maybe one day I’ll have a turn…or, maybe not.

But, it is my turn…

It’s my turn to have some sleepless nights.

It’s my turn for late-night snacks, so I don’t have to share.

It’s my turn to have my clothes stretched out by little hands.

It’s my turn to have fingerprints on the screen door.

It’s my turn to have Cocomelon stuck in my head.

It’s my turn to do laundry. So. Much. Laundry.

It’s my turn to keep romance alive amidst the routine.

But even more than that,

It’s my turn to start family traditions.

It’s my turn to memorize the perfect squishiness of chubby baby faces.

It’s my turn to let a popsicle make anything better.

It’s my turn to heal boo-boo’s with a kiss.

It’s my turn to cuddle and rock.

It’s my turn for park days and play dates.

It’s my turn for first steps, first words, and first days of school.

It’s my turn to earn my laugh lines and gray hairs.

It’s my turn to soak up the beautiful, exhausting, magic of motherhood while the turn is still mine.

You can find Kelcey’s website here . You can also find her on FB and Instagram @okiesunshineblog

What is it your turn for now? What is it not your turn for? What can you appreciate about the current stage you’re in?

Moms, this Mother’s Day, may you have a turn to receive something nice for yourself. Or if it’s not given to you, may you do or buy something nice for yourself. And may it NOT be your turn to do housework or dishes!

The post It’s Friday but Mother’s Day is coming appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

#winningatlife

You may already have had moments this year when you feel decidedly like you’re not #winningatlife, the moments may be big or small. Significant or quite silly. Which ones do you let define you, if any?

It’s a month and a bit into the new year. We’ve had our new start and we’re firmly in twenty twenty two. Just in case you feel like you’re not #winningatlife, I want to tell you a short and very silly story about a moment in my holiday.

So, I was in the mountains, walking by myself and it was glorious. I was either smiling with my mouth open, or yawning, or maybe (most likely) struggling for breath when a bug flew into my mouth. I reacted immediately and spat it out. Onto my own arm. My own spit, my own arm but it was still pretty gross. Luckily, I also found it very funny. And a bit unbelievable that I did something that basic and dumb!

I did that. But I’ve also done other things (some very small, personal, unseen and some a bit bigger) in the last month and 4 days that I’m proud of myself for. The managing to spit on my own arm moment doesn’t define my year, who I am or how I see myself. It’s just one moment.

You may already have had moments this year when you feel decidedly like you’re not #winningatlife, the moments may be big or small. Significant or quite silly. Which ones do you let define you, if any? Some moments do shape us and our circumstances, for sure. Birth, loss, trauma, promotion, for example.

But above and beyond that, we can decide internally which moments define who we are. It requires a bit of self-reflection and critical thinking (not self-judgment, but more gentle scrutiny of our thought patterns and beliefs).*

Pause and reflect

For every time you’ve had a “dumb moment” this year, what moment can you name that you’re proud of yourself for? (Does not matter how small).

What have you already decided that this year will be like for you? And do you think it’s really true?

How do you really see yourself? And how would you like to see yourself by the end of the year?

Who are the people you can trust to share your journey of self-discovery with, who will honestly and compassionately support you?

*There are circumstances where we are not capable of this type of thought because of deep trauma or loss. I would encourage you to seek help. Healing is possible.

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Maybe she can use her gentle voice with me, be a bit more boundaried and less bossypants.

Firstly, she has no boundaries whatsoever. She contacts me about work stuff and what’s happening during the day, first thing in the morning. No sleep ins, no waiting until I’ve had my cup of sanity  coffee, just straight into lots of words, very fast “Right, what are we doing today, have we made a list, why haven’t we checked stuff off yet? have you remembered this? What about that?” Seriously, she may need medication, but I’m not quite sure when is a good time to bring this up with her. A bit of a touchy subject for some, you know?

My boss – being a bit cray cray

My boss sucks because she doesn’t really pay me, as such. I mean, she tells me I do a good job (most of the time), yada yada, and then as soon as I’ve been paid, she takes my money for “expenses”. What the wallet is that about?

AND, no work, no pay. Have you ever?? So far she has avoided discussions about leave of any kind, overtime, or compensation for working from home – for the “odd time that may ever happen.” Which, by the way, is almost all the time.

I’ll tell you something, though. My boss keeps saying “This is so much FUN! I have so many plans and ideas and I can’t wait to see what’s going to happen this year!” And I have to say, I completely agree with her. What we’re doing is completely new and sometimes daunting, but it is a fantastic place to be…re-imagining work and life.

Thinking about how to support parents as they grow their children, connecting with children and seeing if I can help them navigate their own uncharted territories. Creating new workshops and meeting new people. Playing, writing, reading, blogging, slogging. It’s all wonderful!

Snuck in some things that may be happening this year…

Ok, so maybe my boss doesn’t actually suck at all. Maybe she can just learn to stay in her boss box and trust me in the process. Maybe she can use her gentle voice with me, be a bit more boundaried and less bossypants. And if she doesn’t listen to reason, I think I’ll outsource her to a friend for a cup of coffee and ask them to tell her to calm down.

Dedicated to every one of you who are on the crazy wonderful journey of being your own boss.

May you have a beautiful 2022!

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