My daughter and I recently did a co-lab in which we interviewed my parents, aka Papi and Gogo, about their childhoods, play and sibling experiences.

Q1. What did you like to play when you were a little girl/boy?

Gogo: I liked to play “I declare war” and “hide and go seek” and also “charms” – similar to marbles but played with tiny little Disney characters.

Papi: Tree climbing was my favourite thing. And I really enjoyed reading.

Q2. How many brothers and sisters do you have?:

Gogo: I have 4 brothers and 1 sister.

Papi: I have 4 brothers and 3 half sisters.

Q3. Did you ever fight with your brothers and sisters? If yes, what did you fight about? If no, how come?:

Gogo: I fought with my brothers while playing Monopoly and cards.

Papi: I never fought with my sisters who were much older than me. I rarely fought with my brothers. How did you rarely fight with your brothers??!! We had a very strict father, if we weren’t nice to one another, he would smack us with a stick. Our mother would smack us with a hairbrush. (Yikes!! Mostly, times have changed in this regard).

Q4. What advice can you give to siblings to get on better with each other?:

Gogo: My advice is to show respect.

Papi: To play with each other.

Q5. Who was your favourite sibling?

Gogo: My older brother Gavin (aka the best Gav ever) because he was kind, smart and we used to cook together.

Papi: When I was small, probably the youngest, because he depended on me a lot, and I taught him a lot of bad things.

Like what? I taught him to smoke. One day my mother caught us. My older brother and I threw our cigarettes away, but the youngest stood with his cigarette in hand saying “We’re not smoking mum.” Needless to say we all got hidings. We were 6, 5 and 4 years old at the time. Yikes.

Sneaky Q6. Who is your favourite grandchild?:

Gogo diplomatically (and honestly) says: I don’t have a favourite grandchild.

Papi: I don’t have favourites. I treat them all equally badly. (Unlike Gogo, Papi is not being honest) I probably give the cereal killer more “grief”. (He knows who he is).

Cereal killer as captured by Papi

Thanks Papi and Gogo for being on The Pink Couch with us!

The post Papi and Gogo on the Pink Couch appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

When I was growing up, I wanted to be my older sister because I just thought she was better.

I compared everything I did to how she did it. She was my Great Comparison. Eventually I found out who I was, what my strengths were, and I found my own path. The need to be her fell away because I could appreciate me! We’re good friends now and I honestly don’t feel a need for any comparison, even though she’s an amazing human.

She’s so amazing, she sent me and our little sister these mugs

Humans naturally evaluate themselves in relation to others. We actually can’t prevent the comparisons, simply because siblings grow up in such close proximity. What we can do, is work at not making comparisons ourselves as parents in ways that play children up against one another. Sometimes it’s tempting to leverage some natural competition between siblings to “get the best” out of a child who we think is underperforming in some way. The problem is, the “underperforming” kid is probably doing the Great Comparison already anyway – and finding themselves wanting. Comparison in sibling relationships that is enforced by parents can lead to low self-esteem and a sense that they’re not quite meeting their parent’s expectations unless they’re basically not themselves. Think about it, the question “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” is another way of saying “I am not accepting you as you are, I want you to be different.”

We can work at reframing comparisons. One idea is to talk about similarities and differences, not what one does better or worse than another but rather, what each person likes and dislikes, and how it might be similar or different to others in the family, and then also to talk about things that unite us as a family in spite of any differences. These should be light-hearted conversations when everyone is in a calm state. They don’t have to get heavy or be serious. And they do require parents noticing all of the strengths they can about their children as often as they can.

Setting up more opportunities for siblings to really have fun and enjoyable moments together helps build happy memories and increases good feelings. We want them to grow in the knowledge that they are delightfully different from one another and yet, they belong on the same team where everyone is welcome and belongs.

Big Life Journal* in their new Sibling Kit that has just been released, has an idea for siblings to interview one another about themselves. What a great way to get to know one another a little better. Because in spite of living in such close proximity, siblings don’t usually try to understand one another.

We know from marriage and long term relationships that we can live on lots of assumptions about another person and not take the time to ask questions and listen with understanding. Part of our work as parents is to give our children the skills to build relationships over time. What better place to start than with a sibling.

Big Life Journal* has amazing downloadable resources, and a free printable every week, I recommend checking them out!

The post Sibling stuff: The great comparison appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

The introduction of a sibling sets the child’s world upside down because it boots them out of the cocoon of bliss for a start and then begs the questions why would you need another one of me? Am I not enough? What did I do wrong?

Imagine you’re in your safe, happy space. This space is like a cocoon of bliss for you. You have everything and everyone you need at your beck and call. You can nap whenever you want and know that when you wake up, you will continue to be in your same state of bliss. Your people are there to entertain you, cuddle you and meet all your needs. You know with certainty that everything you survey belongs to you.

Feeling good?

Alert!! I am about to pop the bliss bubble! (I’m so sorry)

Your people come into your cocoon with a baby and tell you to make space for it. They tell you how lovely it is, they tell you to share and be nice. They ask you to do something you have never done before; to wait. Wait for their attention, wait while they feed the baby, change the baby, bath the baby, cuddle the crying bloody baby!! AND THEN they ask you to share; time, attention, toys, parents…

You’re screaming; WHAT HAPPENED TO MY COCOON OF BLISS??? From that moment on, the cocoon kind of starts to crumble and things are never the same again. Your world that has been built around your needs, and now your relationship with your people has been altered forever.

It’s not only the oldest child who feels they have been outed from the cocoon of bliss. What about the youngest or younger ones who grow up in a whole family cocoon of bliss and have 3 or 4 or even 5 doting people, only to grow a little older and find they’re expected to step out of the cocoon and no longer be quite as doted upon. AND then they discover their older sibling idols actually don’t have so much time for them any more, because they are busy with their own growing up.

Often, we feel alarmed and overwhelmed by the big feelings of anger and jealousy evident between our children. It’s no wonder those big feelings are present. Every arrival of a new member of the family requires an adjustment. And very often, we simply expect siblings to adjust, with very little coaching and preparation. A present from the baby at the hospital is one small step, but we can do so much more on an ongoing basis to help protect and nurture the sibling relationship.

Behind the cocoon of bliss is a deeper truth, the cocoon of bliss is about attachment and connection between parent and child.

It’s a place where a child learns that they are important, their lives matter, because they are safe and protected, they are helped to become calm when the world has overwhelmed them. This world is safe and predictable for them, with parents who are safe and predictable.

The introduction of a sibling sets the child’s world upside down because it boots them out of the cocoon of bliss for a start and then begs the questions why would you need another one of me? Am I not enough? What did I do wrong? Obviously, these are not conscious thoughts for the very young, but they may be playing as a background soundtrack as the child tries to make sense of what has happened. In trying to make sense of it, the child  – whether the oldest, youngest or middle child – has to test whether the parent is actually still going to respond and meet their needs.

I love the advice of Dr. Laura Markham*, author of “Peaceful parent, happy siblings: How to stop fighting and raise friends for life.” Make sure each child knows you can’t love anyone else the way you love them. Your love for each of your children is the best kind of love and each kind of love is special and unique. It also takes time and effort to keep enforcing this message because “love tanks” get empty for all sorts of reasons.

Much of sibling rivalry can stem from the perception that children need to compete for your attention, and that your love needs to be earned back.

Siblings evaluate themselves in comparison to one another, and I think we can acknowledge in social relationships at least, comparison does not lead to good things. Sometimes a parent’s differential treatment of one child over another is necessary due to special needs or age. The other child’s perception of this differential treatment is important. If they can see the reasons for the differential treatment, it will be acceptable and understandable to them.

If there is differential treatment for a reason such as favouritism, this does need to be acknowledged and addressed by us as parents. It is not a surprise that some children are easier to get on with others, some are more like us, or less like us and these personality mixes can have both positive and negative results. We may have a great temperament match with our children, or not. We’re all human and unique and we have our natural preferences. However, as adults and parents who do love and adore our children, the onus is on us to continually work on our relationships with our children to get to know and understand them, and the wonderful ways they are wired.

Parenting through sibling rivalry takes lots of empathy, understanding and compassion for what our children may have “lost” in terms of cocoon bliss status! Your ongoing one on one time with each of your children is really important. Small pieces of time daily is what is ideal.

Remember, your children experiencing jealously and rivalry with one another are really seeking reassurance, that they are still loved and that they still belong.

Have you experienced this sibling rivalry and how did you/do you handle it? Have you acknowledged the losses your children may have experienced due to adjusting to a new sibling or change in sibling relationship? Does reading any of this trigger your own childhood and sibling relationships?

Feel free to drop me an email and let me know how your children (and you) are negotiating their sibling journey!

*I highly recommend Dr. Markham’s website https://www.ahaparenting.com/ for lots of resources around parenting in an empathic, gentle way.

The post Sibling stuff: being booted out of the cocoon of bliss appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

In almost every family I work with, parents talk and even lament about sibling issues at home.

Sibling rivalry can be a tough one to talk about because every sibling configuration is as complex and unique as the individuals that make up that configuration. I don’t believe there is a one size fits all scenario in relation to dealing with sibling issues. However, there are some helpful principles I’d like to talk through in a series of posts that I have scientifically dubbed “sibling stuff”.

Our siblings are the first peers we have, the first people we play with, and fight with. The term “familiarity breeds contempt” surely arises out of sibling relationships!? As much as the rivalry can be maddening and upsetting for parents to have to deal with,  it is also all very, very normal.

Over the course of a number of weeks I want to explore a few key issues that I think are potentially “drivers” of sibling feuds.

These include competition for attention; specifically yours as the parent and relates to how each child is attached or bonded to you.

Comparison is when everything between siblings is about fairness and they appear to be judging their own and their siblings’ worth based on who gets what and when and how. Children see “fair” as getting exactly the same as one another, but we’ll look at how “fair” and “equal” are not the same.

Finally, belonging, looking at the uniqueness of each child’s place in the family and how they perceive they fit in – or not.

Connection is a mitigating factor in sibling rivalry, we’ll keep on coming back to emotional connection in the family and how we can leverage that to grow the best possible sibling relationships over time.

In the meantime, here is something to ponder and something to read…

Where are your children at in their sibling relationships at present? Is it better or worse now than it has been previously? What contributes to this? (Bearing in mind it could be age, developmental stage, family stress or harmony, personality, illness or special needs).

What would you like to see in your children’s relationships with one another? What are your expectations in regard to this, of each of them and their behaviour? Is it realistic?

Finally, I’m sharing this article that has some great points on dealing with sibling stuff. Let me know if you find it useful!

The post Sibling stuff: an introduction appeared first on Linda Smallbones.