Duvet Days
She got in the car and started crying. She had been “off” all week; low frustration tolerance, emotional, and tired. That was it, we decided, time for a duvet day.
What is a duvet day? One of those days where your child is not necessarily sick, but they may be exhausted/overwhelmed and they need a day at home to regroup.
This recent duvet day had me thinking about whether other parents allow it, and whether it’s the “right” thing to do or not. I was curious and sent out a survey via my mailing list to see what the response would be. Thank you so much to every parent who took time to respond! Your voice is heard and appreciated.
12 parents responded.
2 had never heard of a duvet day before, but I love that they shared their thoughts regardless, thank you!!
Here are the questions and excerpts of responses, enjoy! (Note that my questions or comments are in bold).
- What are the specific behaviours or signs that your child won’t cope with a whole day of school and they might need a duvet day?
They’re withdrawn, downcast, drooping shoulders and often want to sleep in the foetal position. They mumble or speak very softly. They may complain of a sore stomach or head. They delay the morning routine of getting out of bed and getting ready.
They are tired, often it can be seen from the night before and sometimes they are developing a headache.
It depends on the child. One tends to be emotionally explosive and the other more withdrawn.
Being tired, not feeling well, struggling to get up.
Whiney, emotional and losing their temper easily. Being negative about everything.
They have no tolerance for others, or even pets. They get upset and beat themselves up, and just cry at the drop of a hat.
- What are your boundaries around duvet days?
I allowed my child a duvet day once a month, regardless of whether his mental health indicated he needed it or not. He knew he could use the day to just stay home and hang out with me if he wanted to. BUT, if there was a test we would discuss it and he would have to go and write the test, unless he was having an anxiety meltdown.
We try to avoid them and we’re strict, so no devices. They are allowed to listen to audio books.
Duvet days are only for BIG moments when it’s clear they need to process something in particular. We don’t use them for just feeling like not going to school or because they forgot their homework. It needs to be linked to emotional overwhelm. We also use the time to help them work through the issue, so whilst it’s a day off school some of the day needs to be used for healing or moving forward – this can just be through building up their love tank, reconnecting with us and themselves or it could be talking through something in particular and thinking of how to cope with that situation when they get back to school. When they were younger, duvet days tended to happen more often – perhaps once or twice a term. For our oldest child now in high school they have not had a duvet day this year.
Depends, if I’m aware that there is a current issue at school, then I will allow it. I don’t encourage them from my side. Fortunately, I have a child who communicates well and can explain why she can’t face school on that particular day.
My child doesn’t like missing school so it doesn’t happen often at all, less than once a year. But I’d have no problem with it happening about once a year. If the need was more frequent then the reasons would need to be addressed – too busy, not coping at school etc.
One duvet day per term, no screen time allowed.
I do not allow any TV or iPad at all on ‘Duvet days’.
- Once your child has a duvet day, what difference do you notice in them?
They were more at ease with themselves, more connected as a family, able to cope with the demands from school and sport easier.
They are more connected to me and are much happier. I usually ask them to do some of their week’s homework, and we do it together and joke and relax and have fun. Often they want to help me around the house so on those days they help make lunch or dinner and help around the house with chores.
They have more energy and are more balanced again.
They go back to school more enthusiastically. They also trust that we will listen when things are too much and they are feeling overwhelmed and it has definitely helped them to process these types of situations between moving forward.
Less anxiety and stress, encourage talking and expressing feelings. She will get up and face the day once she feels better.
Nothing drastic but it is a bit of a reset.
And it is a appreciated as an act of listening and caring from us as parents.
They are calm, they have more energy and return to their bright, positive self.
A specific question was posed for parents who don’t practice duvet days.
Do you have any particular reasons for not practising duvet days?
One parent has no one to care for her child if they have a duvet day. Two parents had never heard of them before.
This quote is from a mom who home schooled and so duvet days were not something they practised. However… she says;
Sometimes mom needs a duvet day and then the kids are allowed to chill. I prefer not to resort to technology, but we read books, do fun/creative activities or an outing e.g. going somewhere for a walk, have a friend over or explore a new place in our area.”
I love this, that this mom can be present and connected to her children and yet also practice some self-care by adjusting the schedule and having a bit of time out!
I hope this gives you some food for thought. In my opinion, there are a number of pros and also potential cons to duvet days. I do think they are a way (but not the only way) we can teach our children it is ok to rest, as long as they don’t use it as a complete avoidance tactic! A couple of parents mentioned that giving a duvet day is a way of listening to a child; recognising the signs that they need a break.
As one parent said;
They also trust that we will listen when things are too much and they are feeling overwhelmed and it has definitely helped them to process these types of situations before moving forward.
When used with intentionality, duvet days help children to learn to listen to their own bodies and recognise when a break is needed.
In our household, our rule of thumb is to allow a duvet day once a term, but only when asked for or when we can see it’s necessary. This month is the first duvet day that’s been had all year by either child. In the past, they’ve been allowed to choose the day on which they stay home. That did backfire on one occasion when we learned that that particular child was avoiding a conflict at school that they really should have been facing! So, beware of unintentionally colluding with avoidance!
If you want to participate in future surveys, (usually short and hopefully fun!) Please let me know via email; [email protected].
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Enjoy this video on the difference between good friends and toxic friends. Let me know what you think! (And remember that there are resources and telephone numbers to call in South Africa if you need help with your mental health or to talk about your relationships. You can find details in Part 1 of this blog here. )
*As always, I’d love to hear from you if you have follow up thoughts or questions from this blog. You can email me on [email protected]
