Emotional Labour
The emotional labour is real. We deal with the emotional labour with what tools we have at our disposal from the metaphorical toolbox we received from our own parents.
Nothing prepares you for the emotional labour of having children.
Dr. Rinda Blom.
I was in a training workshop with Dr. Blom recently when she made the above statement. It hit me as such a truth about the parenting journey.
She went on to say that we’re not ready to learn about emotional labour until we’re actually in it, going through our own struggles. And that is so true too. You will know this if you’re a parent.
There is simply nothing anyone can say that prepares us for what lies ahead in parenting. The emotional intensity, exhaustion, the relentlessness of it, the unpredictability, always having to be the adult, in charge, making the decisions, providing food, care, discipline, safety, money, time, consistency… the list is endless.
The emotional labour is real. We deal with the emotional labour with what tools we have at our disposal from the metaphorical toolbox we received from our own parents. We may discover we have excellent tools, or very mediocre to non-existent tools. And mostly we do not know what we do not have until we get there. There may be warning signs beforehand, but until we’re faced with actual parenting, we just don’t know.
There is absolutely no shame in not knowing, or in having mediocre to non-existent tools. This is not your fault. Also, there is no shame in being equipped with excellent tools but still feeling undone by the emotional labour.
You never know ahead of time the exquisitely unique child you will have; you may have a child with special needs, a strong-willed child, a child you struggle to connect with a child with anxious tendencies. Your child may feel too loud or quiet for you. So different or too similar to you. You are you and they are they, and there is work involved in getting to know one another, connecting with one another, and keeping the relationship, and thus your child and yourself, in a healthy place.
What is important is acknowledging that we all have stuff to learn and unlearn in order to become better emotional labourers. It will never not be labour. Relationships are hard, full stop. Even the very best, most lovely ones. Loving, disciplining and caring for your small people is one of the very hardest of relationships.
I’ve said it before, and I will say it many more times again and again. The very best thing you can do for your child is to work on your sense of self. Understand who you are and what makes you tick. You don’t have to have it all sorted by the time they’re 5, it is a life long journey. But make sure you start it.
Get help to make sense of your own childhood, to unpack what was awesome and what was not, what might have set up some lovely relational patterns and what might have been downright abusive to you.
Parents who have done some emotional work are generally far better equipped to deal with the emotional labour when it comes to it. Just like the physical labour of childbirth is made easier by a healthy physical body which has had the benefit of good nutrition and exercise.
The emotional labour can be tough, but so worth it! The work brings the rewards along the way; shared joy, connection, and relationship as your emotional labour builds a family.
