Exam Fever: Modulating the Intensity

Exam season is here, for some kids as young as grade four, right through to our Matrics. Although maybe not as intense as year end exams, this time can still come with a lot of pressure.

I have been thinking about how we can support our children through this time with minimal drama, especially those children who have high expectations and tend to be very hard on themselves.

Communicate your expectations

Let your child know what it is you're expecting of them. I loved how my parents handled marks and exams and academics in general while I was growing up. "Did you do your best?" (Yes, that is the very best Maths mark I could achieve at this time, dad) "Well, well done." End of story. No drama, just checking in with me that I felt I had given it my all. And, when my Maths marks were low they made sure I got some extra help. There was never parental pressure, just support. I got to decide whether I had done my best or not.

And also...

Be realistic in your expectations

Think about your child's age, their natural interests and abilities and what is happening in the family and/or school environment. All of these factors affect exam and test performance. Help them do what they can, not what they can't. And where you can see they have unrealistic expectations of themselves, try to reflect that back from them. And, reassure them that you expect them to do their best whether that is a D, C or A!

It can be helpful for them to have their own goals for different subjects, especially if they love academics and have big goals in the future, but again help them to modulate these where necessary.

Do not compare

This is certainly a time to NOT compare one sibling to another. An older sibling is not the measure of success for another. Don't set your expectations by what the older sibling achieved.

Performance anxiety

Some children (and adults) are simply not good at writing tests and exams. The anxiety it induces causes their thinking brain to seize up and forget everything. How scary and mortifying that must be, especially when they have done the work to prepare for the exam?! I wish we had a different system where marks didn't weigh so heavily on tests and exams, it disadvantages many children (and admittedly is an advantage to many others who can perform well under pressure and have great recall under stress). Bottom line though, don't give too much importance and weight to your child's results. There are so many factors that contribute to their performance on the day. If you know or suspect its performance anxiety rather than lack of preparation, ease off.

Brain breaks and study comforts

Normalise shorter study periods, little and often is better than hours upon hours of studying. My daughter always asks for my help with making up a study timetable for exams. We set a maximum of a 45 minute study period at a time. There might be two of those in a day or one, depending on extra-murals. For younger children or those with shorter concentration capacity, there might be a 20 minute limit before a brain break is needed.

A brain break is maybe self-explanatory (thanks to Mrs S, grade 4 teacher back in the day for this term!), but I like using it because it gives permission to recognise when the brain is tired and needs to switch gears. Ideally, a brain break should involve a bit of movement, like kicking a soccer ball around, or going for a jog or walk, or raking leaves! Have a cold or hot drink to stay hydrated, maybe munch on something healthy. Try to encourage your child not to use the brain break to catch up on messages from friends, this can be very distracting and they may battle to get back to focus on studying after the break.

Study comforts are the things that help your child study, that give them the sensory input that they need. Mine love chewing gum, so I supply gum during exam season. They also like listening to music, and one of them likes to sit on the exercise ball. The other loves to be wrapped up in a blanket. Check with your children what they might need that you can realistically provide.

Connection

Be aware of the exam period and when there may be added pressure for your child that may cause unhappiness. Some get moody/super stressed/struggle to sleep etc... Try to be mindful of your own work situation and where possible, how you can make a little space to be physically and emotionally closer to your children. For example, don't plan an unneccessary work trip during this time if you have a choice. Or, move meetings or projects around where you're able to.

Obviously this is more relevant the bigger the stakes of the exams are, or the more difficulty a child has with exams in general.

Draw a little closer and notice if they're starting to fray around the edges a little and try to be proactive to help them regulate. Check that they're taking those brain breaks and moving their bodies, make more time checking on how they're using coping strategies than checking on their work! A more regulated child will do better.

It's all learning

Lastly, everything is learning. Children are building a body of knowledge in different subjects, some enjoyable for them and some not. And, it is all learning. If we can help them (and ourselves) focus on the process and what they can learn from it, and about themselves, then it can all be learning rather than only about the end result.

They're learning about how they best absorb knowledge, they're learning what pressure feels like and when they do well under pressure and when they don't. They're learning how to be responsible with their time. They're learning when their brain needs a break. They may learn what it feels like to fail a subject and how to bounce back from that. It is not the end of the world, no matter what the outcomes are. It's all learning.