Fix it!
When we as parents try to always fix things for our child, we tend to do them a great disservice.
Many parents come to see me to ask me, directly or indirectly, to “fix” their child. I completely understand.
I often first see parents when they’re already at the end of their capacity and it’s become imperative that someone else help. I’ve been there too. You just want someone else to take the reins, to tell you what to do with your child. You want a break from the pressure and relentlessness of parenting.
I completely understand when a parent asks me to “fix” a child. But I cannot. Neither can you.
We are not machines to be fixed or re-set, we are beings who deeply need and desire connection. Relationships and connection require work and no one else but you can do the work needed to repair and work on relationship with your child. Play therapy can be a bridge that helps to support this relational work. I can support you and encourage you in the journey, but I have no magic formula or button to press that can fix anything.
It is our privilege as parents to be on a journey with our children, to move alongside them as they grow, develop and change. We need to move from the “fix it” mentality to the journey mentality.
“The journey is the destination”
~ Paul Young.
The journey is where resilience, tenacity and grit are developed.
When we as parents try to always fix things for our child, we tend to do them a great disservice. When we try to make things more comfortable, the unpleasant things more palatable, when try to remove the scary things or shield them from “negative” emotions, when we do these things, we are preventing them from building resilience.
“Provide children with manageable amounts of age-appropriate challenges and risks. Let them fail in ways that they can fix. Give them the opportunities they need to develop all the qualities they’ll need to immunize themselves against future problems that are inevitable in life.”
Dr. Michael Ungar.
Very recently, my daughter had a mini freakout because she most definitely did not want to go on a school hike. Honestly, the weather forecast looked abysmal, and I was silently questioning whether she would handle it emotionally, just from how she was reacting. But we worked through her feelings with her and sent her off anyway. She came back on top of the world. The hike wasn’t necessarily comfortable, but she had a sense of accomplishment and in the end there were more great things than not about the whole experience. She learned she can do hard, uncomfortable things. This was not something we could “fix”, or needed to! Be aware that our children’s feelings can trigger over-protection, a fear response, and “rescue mode”! We can become fully fledged helicopters when it really isn’t at all necessary.
The best gift we can give our children is not “fixing” things for them, but journeying with them. You don’t have to do it alone, seek support from fellow parents, friends and family. Sometimes professional help may be needed, but don’t regard this as a quick fix or someone else’s problem, you are always very much part of the journey.
