From co-regulation to self-regulation: a journey in connection

Co-regulation is when a parent or caregiver uses their voice, facial expression and bodily posture to communicate love, acceptance and understanding to a child in a moment of need or when they are experiencing “big feelings”.

Self-regulation is defined in the APA dictionary of psychology as

n. the control of one’s behavior through the use of self-monitoring (keeping a record of behavior), self-evaluation (assessing the information obtained during self-monitoring), and self-reinforcement (rewarding oneself for appropriate behavior or for attaining a goal). https://dictionary.apa.org/

More simply put, self-regulation is about managing our thoughts, feelings and actions. Self-regulation is a learned skill. Children are not born self-regulating beings, they learn how to self-regulate over time with trusted, consistent adults. This journey is called co-regulation.

The ability to self-regulate is built on ongoing experiences of co-regulation.

Dana, 2020.

Co-regulation is when a parent or caregiver uses their voice, facial expression and bodily posture to communicate love, acceptance and understanding to a child in a moment of need or when they are experiencing “big feelings”. This enables a child to feel heard and understood, to feel they are not alone in that moment and that someone is available to help contain their overwhelm.

When babies grow up with moments of co-regulation during moments of stress, such as when they are struggling with strong feelings, they begin to internalize and conceptualize strategies for self-regulation and self-soothing – in their brains and in their minds.

Costa. https://www.nichq.org/insight/childrens-social-and-emotional-development-starts-co-regulation

As parents, we tune in (or attune) to our child so that we can recognise their changing needs, emotional states and ways of being as they grow. We respond by offering moments of connection that build a shared sense of safety (Dana, 2020).

I remember helping my child prepare for one of his first orals, to be presented in class. Standing up to talk in front of his peers at the age of 8 was a terrifying prospect for him. The night before, he most definitely did not want to do it. He struggled to come to a calm place within himself at bedtime in order to sleep. After giving reassurance, he had worked hard on the oral, and talking through some coping skills, we stopped talking about the oral completely and my husband and I focused on simply being present with him in his room. Back tickling, joke telling, and talking about his passions were ways we helped to offer co-regulation so that he could eventually calm and fall asleep.

We could have told him to “suck it up and deal with it, everyone has to do orals.” You know, tough love style. But this would not have been regulating for our child. Just because everyone is expected to do certain tasks does not make them any less daunting. What we were helping our child with that night was learning that in spite of an anticipated stress, he can use coping skills to bring himself to calm. He can do hard things that he doesn’t enjoy, and the world will not end. Four years on and orals are still not his favourite thing, but he has learned how to self-regulate himself through them.

The need for co-regulation with others continues throughout the life course. Adults still need others who offer a calm space to talk and be heard.

Co-regulation continues to help us self-regulate and very importantly, connect. When we don’t have co-regulating relationships, we are more than likely not having opportunities to wholly connect with others, and we may have feelings of isolation and loneliness. This can make parenting a whole lot harder.

It’s important to think about your own emotional health journey in relation to self-regulation and connection. Can you self-regulate in healthy ways? ie: exercise, talking to someone, journaling, praying, having fun and playing. Or do you need to numb in order to feel a sense of calm? ie: excessive drinking, overeating, mindless social media scrolling or even leading such a busy life that you simply don’t have time to stop and think.

If you feel you need help with practising co-regulation or self-regulation, get help from a trusted wise friend or two that you know are regulating for you, or a mental health practitioner who can help you on this journey.

It’s never too late to take this journey of connection!

The Beyondtrauma podcast on co-regulation at https://beyondtraumapodcast.com/2021/10/co-regulation-ruac-ep-29/ may be a helpful tool if you want to learn more.

Book reference: “Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection” by Deb Dana. 2020