Incongruence Part One

This is a two-part article exploring what incongruence is, the different ways it shows up in relationships and how it impacts us. Today I am talking about fitting in versus belonging and expectations that create incongruence. But also, how being incongruent with ourselves is sometimes necessary for a time.

What is incongruence?

The Cambridge dictionary defines incongruence as the state of not being suitable, of not fitting well with something else. In Mathematics, incongruence means not corresponding or coinciding, such as when geometrical shapes do not align.

We can sense incongruence in our environment, when we perceive others are not aligning in their words and actions, and also be incongruent with ourselves, such as when we feel like a square peg in a round hole.

Incongruence in the environment

In recent years as I have been studying Synergetic Play Therapy with Lisa Dion, I have learned a lot about incongruence. Lisa talks about 4 threats to the brain, incongruence in the environment is one of them.

As Lisa Dion says, the brain is constantly scanning the environment; the physical environment, the people in the environment including our loved ones and strangers looking for cues of safety, and scanning for any perceived danger. The whole point of this is to ensure safety and survival. When the brain perceives that something is “off” when something just doesn’t make sense or add up, it registers this as a threat and puts the system into high alert; flight/fight. This is what Lisa Dion refers to as incongruence in the environment.

Examples of when we can perceive incongruence in the environment include when someone's words do not match their facial expressions or actions. Such as a "warm welcome" from someone who shows no warmth in their tone or their face. Someone saying "I'M FINE", when what they really look and sound like is angry.

Perceived incongruence in the environment can lead to a whole cascade of reactions within our nervous system and our behaviour in response, such as making decisions so that we can fit in even if this is not congruent with who we are.

Fitting in versus belonging

I recently watched Reality Check: Inside America’s Next Top Model on Netflix. Women who were on the show are interviewed 30 years later and recalling the compromises they made to stay on the show, to fit in (have the right “look”), in order to stay in the show, and ultimately to win America’s Next Top Model. All the women being interviewed 30 years later shared moments when they wish they had not compromised themselves for the show.

Fitting in is different to belonging.

“Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.” “If I have to be like you, I fit in. If I get to be me, I belong.”

Fitting in definitions according to Grade 8 youngsters (Source: Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown. 2021)

Changing things about ourselves in order to fit in creates incongruence within ourselves, we stop aligning with who we really are by compromising values or beliefs. We may end up fitting in, but it doesn't fit well with us.

The burden of expectations

Incongruence happens when other people tell you who you are supposed to be. When you’re made to live up to other people’s expectations of you, even when they don’t in any way align to your values and sense of who you are. Here are those "shoulds" popping up again!

As parents we need to be very careful about what expectations we place on our children. A family member of mine has friends who are forced to study medicine and law and are not at all allowed to pursue their passions, even on a social basis, because the expectation is for them to become a doctor/lawyer. Can you imagine the “square peg, round hole” situation these young people end up in if what they truly love is art, the outdoors or dream of working with children. Doing work that you are not suited to and may not even have aptitude for. This creates incongruence.

As so beautifully said by the Grade 8’s in Brene Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart, when articulating what it means to not measure up to parent's expectations:

“Not being good at the same things your parents were good at.”

“Your parents being embarrassed because you don’t have enough friends or you’re not an athlete or cheerleader.”

“When your parents don’t pay attention to your life.”

The purpose of incongruence

It should be noted that sometimes we need to be incongruent in order to survive. As I shared above, incongruence in the environment alerts us to potential danger. We need these alerts for feedback to let us knowwhat is safe/not safe and at times we make compensations to keep safe.

Teens do this really well, they act a certain way to feel that they belong to the pack because they don’t want to stand out at all. They can shut a part of themselves off for a while, in order to fit in socially. They need time to work out who they are and how they tick. They may create incongruence for themselves along the way as a natural part of their growth process. Almost like trying on different identities, values and personas until they get to a combination that fits and feels right.

Or, when someone is in a profession that causes them sadness or fear or even trauma, but they feel they have to maintain a tough exterior in order to survive the job. This can apply to people in the police services, or first responders of any kind. They learn that they can’t “be soft” or give in to their feelings because their toughness is part of their survival. Incongruence can serve a very real and adaptive purpose. Many people in this position develop a ‘work persona’ and a ‘social or home persona’ that helps them to cope.

Incongruence can feel like losing yourself or a part of yourself. It can feel like not being true to who you really are. Becoming congruent is a lifelong journey of self-discovery, aligning your outer life with the discoveries you make about who you are on the inside.

Next week I want to share some behaviours that create incongruence within us; gossip, lying, and secrets. Stay tuned for part two!