On Not Being Polite

4 October 2024

 

I have been telling my children recently when not to be polite.

Don’t let people walk all over you – if sports is a metaphor for life…

On the sports field, don’t be polite. You don’t say “please” when trying to get the ball away from your opponent. One hockey match, I was watching my daughter’s team and all the girls on both sides were being so polite and tentative. Eventually I yelled out “Stop being polite!” If we were polite on the sports field, it would be extremely boring.

I do NOT mean that one must be a bad sportsman or woman. Be a great sportsperson, but don’t be polite. 

Sidebar (Sort of), have you seen this video of Siya and Eben? Two men who are fantastic sportsmen, but on the rugby field they are anything but polite! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjtT3ZbrfEE

 

Your body boundaries are yours…

Another time to not be polite is when someone is crossing your body boundaries. We teach our children to shake hands, hug and kiss relatives and adults, that to show respect they must do these things. But what if an adult crosses a child’s body boundary, their sense of what they’re comfortable with, in making physical contact?

What if, instead of insisting on a particular type of contact, we have conversations with our kids about what kind of greetings they are comfortable with. We could offer two or three simple options. “We’re going to see aunty and uncle. We like to greet them by saying hello and you can choose if you want to shake hands, or give a hug, or just wave and smile at them. What would you like to do?” and then offer your support in carrying this greeting plan out.

Where possible, having a conversation with the adults in question beforehand is helpful. You can explain that you’re teaching your child about their body boundaries, and supporting their discovery of what is comfortable and not comfortable. This is especially important with neurodivergent children and children you know aren’t fond of physical contact in general.

I use this example of interactions with family as it could be a training ground for life for our children. A way to help them take ownership and responsibility for their bodies and what is OK and not OK. It may shift and change over time and with different people, and that is OK. Children know who they feel safe with and who they don’t, we need to honour and support our children’s intuition in this regard. 

NO is a full sentence

As my children head deeper into “teenagedom”, I want them to know that they do not have to be polite when it comes to others trying to cross body boundaries (or any boundaries) they are not yet ready to cross, with peers or elders. And that they can say “No”, no explanations needed. As a colleague said to me the other day when we were talking, in her family “No is a full sentence.”

So many people in positions of influence and power have abused people around them; sexually, emotionally, and spiritually. If my children feel the need to always be polite to people in power, they may also feel they cannot say no when asked to do something that goes against their values, body boundaries or sense of safety.

Being polite means we feel we have to smile and nod and say “yes, of course.” That’s what “nice” people do, right?? And who does not want to be seen as a “nice” person? The fact is, people who groom* children for abuse, are nice and they exploit children’s natural urge to be polite and respectful to their elders.

Parents can start this conversation with their children, giving them permission to not always say “yes” if they feel a boundary has been crossed in any way, or if they feel ill at ease. Teaching our children that it is OK to say “no” and then come and speak to us about it.

What do you think about “not being polite?” I would love to hear your take on this.

 

 

*Grooming is the process of an adult favouring and singling out a child and showering gifts/praise/treats/attention on them to win their trust before embarking on abusive behaviour.