Reassurance Seeking: The Quest for Belonging
This blog is for you if you have a child back at school this week who is struggling to settle and is constantly looking to you to reassure them.
The human need for love and belonging are so primal and foundational to who we are, when it comes to not having these needs met, we do all sorts of things to ensure they are met – even if in less desirable or healthy ways for ourselves.
Children employ reassurance-seeking behaviour when they feel uncertain and are facing the unknown.
Reassurance-seeking behaviour includes an increase in their need of you, whining, asking for you to do everything with them or for them, not letting you out of their sight! They may become more sensory seeking –“Tickle me!! Wrestle me!!” or they may become withdrawn and sensory avoidant, disappearing into their own world.
If you’ve been finding yourself constantly needing to tell your child they’re ok, it’s ok, everything is going to be ok, they are most likely seeking reassurance.
BUT WHY? (Because it’s been driving me mental!)
What if beneath the reassurance-seeking behaviour their real questions are;
When I get to my classroom, am I going to feel I belong there? Will I still have the same friends as last year, am I still accepted?
Children feel reassured when they have a sense of belonging to a group. Belonging means connections have formed or are growing, and we’re ALL wired for connection. Belonging in a group brings a sense of satisfaction and security that can’t be manufactured.
Consider that at the start of each new year, children are required to adjust to a new teacher, a new class group, some of whom they know well and others they do not. The biggest lament children and even their parents have at the start of a year is not about the teacher they get, it’s about their friends not being with them in class!
Starting to build a new network of belonging is a big step for children, even if it comes fairly easily for some. It is very necessary to growth and development, but anxiety-provoking all the same. This means that they really do need your reassurance and support through the process.
WHAT CAN I DO?
Acknowledge. You could say something like: It’s hard to start new things with people you don’t know. I also feel nervous meeting new people and being in a new place. Maybe you’re not sure you’ll make friends or fit in. It’s normal to feel that way.
Build resilience and patience by helping them manage their self-expectations. You could say something like: Remember there are so many different types of people in the world. You might not find a special friend (if you want one) in the first week, or even the first term! But, you can be friendly to everyone. You can ask to play with different people and invite them to play with you too.
It takes a little while before you really feel you belong in a place. Hang in there, and I am right here to listen any time.
Keep on offering connection. Especially in the first few weeks of term, make time as much as you can to listen and talk and play with your child. Instead of coming home to switch the TV on, have a screen free evening. Go for a walk (or rather a swim in this weather!), read a book together, jump on the trampoline, arm wrestle, build Lego… Connect to show your child love, the conversation will flow more freely.
Remember that you want to have conversations with your child, and not interrogate them until they tell you everything about school! This means you go at their pace, don’t ask a million questions, be gently curious. This also works better when you’re doing something side by side; cooking, walking, reading. Face to face eye contact may feel too threatening for some children who are feeling vulnerable.
Affirm and celebrate. Tell your child you’re proud of them for any healthy steps they try to take in terms of finding belonging. Keep affirming their character and who they are. Catch them being kind or generous or joyful! Your job is to teach your child they are worth belonging, even if they don’t feel they do all the time. We’ve all had the experience of feeling “out”, but we need to know this is not an indication of our worth.
Reassurance is NOT about telling your child everything is going to be wonderful and perfect. You do not need to promise a Disney ending.
We all need reassurance at times. When do you know that you’re in a reassurance seeking state? Who do you ask for reassurance and how?
