Sibling stuff: an introduction

In almost every family I work with, parents talk and even lament about sibling issues at home.

Sibling rivalry can be a tough one to talk about because every sibling configuration is as complex and unique as the individuals that make up that configuration. I don’t believe there is a one size fits all scenario in relation to dealing with sibling issues. However, there are some helpful principles I’d like to talk through in a series of posts that I have scientifically dubbed “sibling stuff”.

Our siblings are the first peers we have, the first people we play with, and fight with. The term “familiarity breeds contempt” surely arises out of sibling relationships!? As much as the rivalry can be maddening and upsetting for parents to have to deal with,  it is also all very, very normal.

Over the course of a number of weeks I want to explore a few key issues that I think are potentially “drivers” of sibling feuds.

These include competition for attention; specifically yours as the parent and relates to how each child is attached or bonded to you.

Comparison is when everything between siblings is about fairness and they appear to be judging their own and their siblings’ worth based on who gets what and when and how. Children see “fair” as getting exactly the same as one another, but we’ll look at how “fair” and “equal” are not the same.

Finally, belonging, looking at the uniqueness of each child’s place in the family and how they perceive they fit in – or not.

Connection is a mitigating factor in sibling rivalry, we’ll keep on coming back to emotional connection in the family and how we can leverage that to grow the best possible sibling relationships over time.

In the meantime, here is something to ponder and something to read…

Where are your children at in their sibling relationships at present? Is it better or worse now than it has been previously? What contributes to this? (Bearing in mind it could be age, developmental stage, family stress or harmony, personality, illness or special needs).

What would you like to see in your children’s relationships with one another? What are your expectations in regard to this, of each of them and their behaviour? Is it realistic?

Finally, I’m sharing this article that has some great points on dealing with sibling stuff. Let me know if you find it useful!