Sibling stuff: being booted out of the cocoon of bliss
The introduction of a sibling sets the child’s world upside down because it boots them out of the cocoon of bliss for a start and then begs the questions why would you need another one of me? Am I not enough? What did I do wrong?
Imagine you’re in your safe, happy space. This space is like a cocoon of bliss for you. You have everything and everyone you need at your beck and call. You can nap whenever you want and know that when you wake up, you will continue to be in your same state of bliss. Your people are there to entertain you, cuddle you and meet all your needs. You know with certainty that everything you survey belongs to you.
Feeling good?
Alert!! I am about to pop the bliss bubble! (I’m so sorry)
Your people come into your cocoon with a baby and tell you to make space for it. They tell you how lovely it is, they tell you to share and be nice. They ask you to do something you have never done before; to wait. Wait for their attention, wait while they feed the baby, change the baby, bath the baby, cuddle the crying bloody baby!! AND THEN they ask you to share; time, attention, toys, parents…
You’re screaming; WHAT HAPPENED TO MY COCOON OF BLISS??? From that moment on, the cocoon kind of starts to crumble and things are never the same again. Your world that has been built around your needs, and now your relationship with your people has been altered forever.
It’s not only the oldest child who feels they have been outed from the cocoon of bliss. What about the youngest or younger ones who grow up in a whole family cocoon of bliss and have 3 or 4 or even 5 doting people, only to grow a little older and find they’re expected to step out of the cocoon and no longer be quite as doted upon. AND then they discover their older sibling idols actually don’t have so much time for them any more, because they are busy with their own growing up.
Often, we feel alarmed and overwhelmed by the big feelings of anger and jealousy evident between our children. It’s no wonder those big feelings are present. Every arrival of a new member of the family requires an adjustment. And very often, we simply expect siblings to adjust, with very little coaching and preparation. A present from the baby at the hospital is one small step, but we can do so much more on an ongoing basis to help protect and nurture the sibling relationship.
Behind the cocoon of bliss is a deeper truth, the cocoon of bliss is about attachment and connection between parent and child.
It’s a place where a child learns that they are important, their lives matter, because they are safe and protected, they are helped to become calm when the world has overwhelmed them. This world is safe and predictable for them, with parents who are safe and predictable.
The introduction of a sibling sets the child’s world upside down because it boots them out of the cocoon of bliss for a start and then begs the questions why would you need another one of me? Am I not enough? What did I do wrong? Obviously, these are not conscious thoughts for the very young, but they may be playing as a background soundtrack as the child tries to make sense of what has happened. In trying to make sense of it, the child – whether the oldest, youngest or middle child – has to test whether the parent is actually still going to respond and meet their needs.
I love the advice of Dr. Laura Markham*, author of “Peaceful parent, happy siblings: How to stop fighting and raise friends for life.” Make sure each child knows you can’t love anyone else the way you love them. Your love for each of your children is the best kind of love and each kind of love is special and unique. It also takes time and effort to keep enforcing this message because “love tanks” get empty for all sorts of reasons.
Much of sibling rivalry can stem from the perception that children need to compete for your attention, and that your love needs to be earned back.
Siblings evaluate themselves in comparison to one another, and I think we can acknowledge in social relationships at least, comparison does not lead to good things. Sometimes a parent’s differential treatment of one child over another is necessary due to special needs or age. The other child’s perception of this differential treatment is important. If they can see the reasons for the differential treatment, it will be acceptable and understandable to them.
If there is differential treatment for a reason such as favouritism, this does need to be acknowledged and addressed by us as parents. It is not a surprise that some children are easier to get on with others, some are more like us, or less like us and these personality mixes can have both positive and negative results. We may have a great temperament match with our children, or not. We’re all human and unique and we have our natural preferences. However, as adults and parents who do love and adore our children, the onus is on us to continually work on our relationships with our children to get to know and understand them, and the wonderful ways they are wired.
Parenting through sibling rivalry takes lots of empathy, understanding and compassion for what our children may have “lost” in terms of cocoon bliss status! Your ongoing one on one time with each of your children is really important. Small pieces of time daily is what is ideal.
Remember, your children experiencing jealously and rivalry with one another are really seeking reassurance, that they are still loved and that they still belong.
Have you experienced this sibling rivalry and how did you/do you handle it? Have you acknowledged the losses your children may have experienced due to adjusting to a new sibling or change in sibling relationship? Does reading any of this trigger your own childhood and sibling relationships?
Feel free to drop me an email and let me know how your children (and you) are negotiating their sibling journey!
*I highly recommend Dr. Markham’s website https://www.ahaparenting.com/ for lots of resources around parenting in an empathic, gentle way.
