Sibling stuff: The great comparison

When I was growing up, I wanted to be my older sister because I just thought she was better.

I compared everything I did to how she did it. She was my Great Comparison. Eventually I found out who I was, what my strengths were, and I found my own path. The need to be her fell away because I could appreciate me! We’re good friends now and I honestly don’t feel a need for any comparison, even though she’s an amazing human.

She’s so amazing, she sent me and our little sister these mugs

Humans naturally evaluate themselves in relation to others. We actually can’t prevent the comparisons, simply because siblings grow up in such close proximity. What we can do, is work at not making comparisons ourselves as parents in ways that play children up against one another. Sometimes it’s tempting to leverage some natural competition between siblings to “get the best” out of a child who we think is underperforming in some way. The problem is, the “underperforming” kid is probably doing the Great Comparison already anyway – and finding themselves wanting. Comparison in sibling relationships that is enforced by parents can lead to low self-esteem and a sense that they’re not quite meeting their parent’s expectations unless they’re basically not themselves. Think about it, the question “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” is another way of saying “I am not accepting you as you are, I want you to be different.”

We can work at reframing comparisons. One idea is to talk about similarities and differences, not what one does better or worse than another but rather, what each person likes and dislikes, and how it might be similar or different to others in the family, and then also to talk about things that unite us as a family in spite of any differences. These should be light-hearted conversations when everyone is in a calm state. They don’t have to get heavy or be serious. And they do require parents noticing all of the strengths they can about their children as often as they can.

Setting up more opportunities for siblings to really have fun and enjoyable moments together helps build happy memories and increases good feelings. We want them to grow in the knowledge that they are delightfully different from one another and yet, they belong on the same team where everyone is welcome and belongs.

Big Life Journal* in their new Sibling Kit that has just been released, has an idea for siblings to interview one another about themselves. What a great way to get to know one another a little better. Because in spite of living in such close proximity, siblings don’t usually try to understand one another.

We know from marriage and long term relationships that we can live on lots of assumptions about another person and not take the time to ask questions and listen with understanding. Part of our work as parents is to give our children the skills to build relationships over time. What better place to start than with a sibling.

Big Life Journal* has amazing downloadable resources, and a free printable every week, I recommend checking them out!