The Listener
With teens, if we start with the simple things, so much can go right. Be the Listener, not the advisor. Start with relationship, not function. Spend time just being together, no agenda.
If you are the parent of a teen, like me, here is one thing we almost cannot do enough. Listen.
I have enjoyed the work of Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist specialising in work with adolescents. She talks a lot about the adolescents she works with expressing over and over again how they wish their parents would listen more and lecture less.
This came into sharp focus for me when interacting with a teen. He expressed being so tired of trying to share something with his parent and then being shut down in some way either by a lecture or a story from the parent's own life, or by the parent finding fault with him as a person in what he was sharing.
For this teen, there was nothing more distressing than simply not being listened to. He is dealing with normal teenage things. He is navigating growth and identity and life as a 15 year old. He is trying to find his own voice and feels it is being shut down by not being listened to.
I found this TED talk by a 13 year old girl, Lucy Androski, who talks very eloquently about different types of parents. She defines The Listener something like this..
The listener helps provide direction, and gives options. The listener listens, and asks questions - not to interrogate but to help the teen to explore and think for themselves.
In every day life there is a lot to do, and a lot of functional stuff that we need to remind teens of, or ensure they've done. Do you have homework? Have you studied for your test? Have you fed the dogs? I have to work at reminding myself not to only relate to my teens on this functional level.
My goal is to prioritise relationship over function every time I interact with my teens. Can I have a hug? How are you? I missed you today. It's a goal, and I'm practising, so I don't always get it right.
In the end, life is not a series of functions to fulfill. Life is relationships. How we live out our relationships makes up our life. I don't want my kids to have a memory of me getting things done at the cost of connection.
Lisa Damour talks about spending time with your teen just hanging out with no agenda. Just the pleasure of being together.
If we start with the simple things, so much can go right.
