What’s the big deal about positive parenting?
Positive discipline is a relational way of discipling your child that promotes connection, rather than punishment. When a child feels connected to you, they feel safe with you, and they are more likely to follow you.
Positive discipline and positive parenting feel like real “buzz words” at the moment. Or maybe it’s just me, and the work I’ve been part of recently? Since I write this, I’ll go with it!
Sometimes when we hear the terms positive parenting or positive discipline we think it’s only about being “nice” to our kids and letting them get a free ride out of consequences or maybe that it’s some sort of soft touch or permissive parenting approach. This is not true.
Many people think that the stricter and the more punitive the parenting, the better behaved the child. This is also simply not true. Harsh parenting may elicit “good” behaviour in the short term, but this is most likely motivated by fear and is externally motivated rather than internally motivated. When children are internally motivated, they tend to be governed by those behaviours, even when the parents are not present. There is an increase in self-regulation and self-control.
Positive parenting (and therefore positive discipline), is responsive parenting that is about observing and responding to your child in order to recognise and then meet their needs. Being responsive involves knowing your child and anticipating what different situations may evoke in them, and what emotional or physical support they may need along the way. Empathy is at the heart of positive parenting – the practice of seeking to understand the child from the child’s point of view. It’s asking the question ”What happened?”, rather than ”WHAT did you do?”!
I remember a friend telling me some time ago about friends of hers who employed an instant obedience policy with their children, ie: if the parents spoke, they expected instant obedience and no questions asked from their children. Sounds to me more like Army bootcamp than relationship and family. Yes, in families things need to be done, and children need cooperate in order for certain things to get done. But to expect instant obedience without taking into account the age, needs and emotional state of the child is to employ quite harsh parenting. Cooperation is far easier to come by and far less fraught with conflict when gained through positive parenting methods.
I can be pretty task-focused at times. I expect my children to do certain things everyday, that contribute to the general state of the household. ie: clean up their own messes. However, they are very hungry and sometimes quite tired when they get home from school. I may be tempted to rattle off the list of tasks, but I know if I do immediately they will not hear me, or hear me and protest, setting up a conflict that simply doesn’t need to be there. The task list can wait until they’ve had a snack and a bit of time to “decompress”. When one of them is more quiet than usual, or more snappy than usual, it’s a cue for me to notice something is up. Intuitively, I either give space or move closer. My intuition is not always completely correct, but I do know some sort of response is required. Rather respond with empathy, to communicate that I have noticed something, than not at all. “Hey, I can see maybe you’ve had a tough day, or maybe you’re tired. Will you let me know if you need anything?”
Positive discipline is a relational way of discipling your child that promotes connection, rather than punishment. When a child feels connected to you, they feel safe with you, and they are more likely to follow you. The more connected they are, the more they feel understood, the more likely they are to cooperate with you and share with you what is happening in their lives. Interestingly, when you use positive discipline at home, sibling relationships improve as children see you modelling empathy and start to practice it on one another.
A lot of positive discipline is about being aware – aware of yourself and aware of your children. You can’t be responsive without first being aware. My friend Trevor wrote on his Facebook wall (used with permission, thanks Trevor):
6 years on, and I often feel as clueless now as I did before our children were born! My current list of personal fathering behaviours in need of change:
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Forgive myself when I stuff up and fail to be there for my kids in the way they need me at the time!
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Remember they’re still very young and they can’t always regulate their behaviour (why should I expect them to when I can’t always regulate my own)
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Do more silly fun things with them that make more positive memories!
I love this reflection because it shows an honest parent who knows he doesn’t need to be perfect, but aware. (Let’s be honest how many clueless moments have we all experienced since bringing our first child home from the hospital?) He is a responsive parent for being aware of his own responses to parenting, and of his expectations of his kids, and being willing to be flexible, adjust and make changes.
If you were to write a list of three things to be aware of in your parenting today that may need change, what would those be?
No shame, no blame, just awareness and noticing yourself as a person and a parent. Empathy starts here, with yourself.
PS: Last week I participated in a panel discussion about increasing response to boys in South Africa affected by sexual violence. I spoke specifically on the impact of harsh discipline and why positive discipline should be used instead. You can watch the discussion here. The discussion was geared towards practitioners working with boys affected by sexual violence, but is relevant for parents too!
