You Should...
When we have a ‘should’ about our children, we are essentially expressing a fantasy and wanting them to live up to that.
Last week, I talked about ways we ‘should’ ourselves and when we do so, we tend to expect ourselves to be someone we’re not. We can only make decisions and take actions based on what we have and what we know in the moment.
This week, I want to talk about when we pass ‘shoulds’ on to our children.
The Fantasy
When we have a ‘should’ about our children, we are essentially expressing a fantasy and wanting them to live up to that. No reality can compare to an idealistic fantasy, we are setting them up to disappoint us.
We need to consider what we expect our children to be able to do at their age and life stage. We can ‘should’ our children when we expect more from them than they are able to do. “You should share.” “You should be more considerate of others”. “You should talk to me”. “You should work harder.”
We need to check our expectations against what the reality is. When my kids were little, I found myself with high expectations at times. It was informal conversations with friends which helped me to put things in perspective and be more realistic, time and time again I might add! Being able to ask friends “When did your child start doing (or stop doing) XYZ?”, and getting different answers helps us to remember that development happens on a continuum and at different paces.
Now, my teens can be incredibly self-absorbed and entitled. I have to remind myself we’re right on track, they’re doing what they’re designed to do at their age! To expect them to always be empathic, outward looking and self-less is completely unrealistic.
AND just in case you’re wondering if we have to put up with all behaviours because it’s being labelled developmentally appropriate, I want to say this:
Coach and Encourage
We can expect things of our children without “should-ing” them. We need to check that our expectations are age appropriate, and use different language designed to encourage and coach them, rather than judge and shame them.
“You should share” could rather be “I noticed last time you had a play date it was difficult for you to share. Do you want me to help you think about which toys you’re happy to share and which you’d rather like to hide away for today? Remember that when friends come, they feel welcomed when you share your toys. But if there are some you’re not ready to share that’s OK, let’s rather put it away.”
You’re reminding your child about the social rules around play dates; it is all about sharing time, toys and games. Assume that the younger your child, the less inclined they are to share or even able to share. Being unable to share is developmentally appropriate! Rather than discipling them for not sharing, support them in learning how to.
Being Real
Shoulds and wishes are real for parents, sometimes we genuinely just want things to be different than they are. Sometimes parenting certain behaviour is so energy-sapping, it's natural to wish something about your child was different, just easier to parent, you know, less push back, more cooperation. Let’s acknowledge that reality and keep practising self-compassion.
What if you're in exactly the place you need to be as a parent to learn, to grow, and to celebrate wins. Right now, as you are. Today.
