27 September 2024

We spent part of the holiday in a cottage in a wood (literally) and got happily snowed in (literally), but only for 24 hours. For a family like ours, born and bred in mostly the sub-tropical parts of South Africa, the snow was a delightful, awe-inspiring experience. We saw the snow forecast but didn’t know it would be snow on-the-ground, deep -up -to- the -tips- of- our -gumboots type of snow. It was powdery and beautiful and glorious to play in!

We also had lots of indoor time and I read The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt. I agree with the reviews that it is essential reading for parents, and I highly recommend you get yourself a copy. I will be unpacking some of my learning from the book here over the next while (so stay tuned!) The book is about the move away from children having a play-based childhood to now having a phone-based childhood. Jonathan Haidt is a Social Psychologist who draws on research from around the world to expound on the damage done to mental health in teenagers through negotiating life predominantly via screens.

One of the chapters is entitled Spiritual Elevation and Degradation and talks about what we have lost in our digital age and 6 practices that we have less of, or even none of, that we may not know we need. One of these 6 is finding awe in nature. I have written about this before. (Funny how this previous article was also after a time away as a family in which we didn’t use devices at all. One really has to make space for engagement with awe in nature).

Haidt writes that being in nature in a present and embodied way ie: using all of the senses to truly experience the environment, is essential for the health of the soul and spirituality. He is a university professor and gave his students an assignment to do an “awe walk” and to write about it afterwards. Note: He teaches in New York City, and yet he says “The written reflections they turned in for that week’s homework were among the most beautiful I’ve seen in my 30 years as a professor.” You can take an awe walk anywhere in the world, even in one of the most busy cities in the world, with the right intention, students found moments of awe and connection with nature.

There are five ways that experiencing awe is found to improve well-being; changes in neurophysiology (evidence of moving from anxiety to more calm and regulated), a decreased focus on the self (focus on the self in a selfish way is correlated to poor mental health), increased desire to be social towards others (thus decreasing isolation), increased social integration (moving towards true connections with others), and a heightened sense of meaning. Monroy and Keltner (2023) We can get none of these things in a positive way from a constant phone-based lifestyle.

There is so much to unpack within all of this, but here is what I wanted to share.

We only have now to teach our children to cultivate moments of awe. We can’t stop them living in a digital age, because we’re already all in it. But we can model for them what it could look like to step out from behind a screen regularly, and make space for awe. It is possible and necessary, not just for their well-being, but for ours too. 

Parents may say that it’s too late, that their teenagers are so heavily invested in their devices, that childhood play has past them by. I want to say that this is not true. My children (14 and 13 years old) taught me this holiday that they need play, they love to play and they need times and spaces in which to play, in nature. We also all thrived in the time we spent together, a truly joyful time full of awe!

I wasn’t the only one engrossed in a book!

If you are a parent wanting to explore how to cut down on your own, or your child’s screen time but you’re not quite sure where to start, I might have a process that might help. Parenting for Connection is a four-part process in which I journey with you to increase emotional connection between you and yourself, and your child. You can find out more here.

You can find out more about Jonathan Haidt on his website https://jonathanhaidt.com/

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31 May 2024

How do mealtimes in your home go down? What would you like to change about them?

What if you were to have one meal a day together as a family in order to intentionally connect? What difference do you think it could make? According to research, a whole lot of difference, actually.

The Family Dinner Project  is a non-profit organisation started by clinical psychologist, Anne Fishel, who has written books and conducted research on the impact of families eating meals together regularly. I recommend a browse around the website as it is packed with practical ideas from family meals, to dinner time games and conversation starters. Like this one…

What are the benefits of regular family meal times?

Clever kids

It has been found that children who regularly eat at the table with family have a larger vocabulary than children who don’t. A larger vocabulary helps children when it comes to learning to read, as they learn reading skills earlier and more easily. For older children, it has been found that academic performance improves with more frequent family meals.

Healthier bodies

Family meal times benefit kids and parents in that generally, more nutritious food is consumed when sitting down to eat together. Sitting down to intentional meals sets a standard that children are more likely to follow later in life when they’re living independently.

Improved resilience and mood

It has been found that adolescents are more resilient to negative peer influences and tend to experiment less with substances. And, there is a higher level of hope, increased report of positive mood and more resilience noted in teens who frequently ate with their family. Along with this there is an obvious benefit of simply being together. Creating memories, or reliving memories as a unit far outlives the moment and builds a sense of community and belonging we all need, not just our children.

I’ve worked with a number of kids who carry a very real and strong resentment against how much their parents work. Carving out a meal time a day to put aside your phone and your computer, and put your full attention onto your children is a start at prioritizing your time for your children, not to mention your own mental health!

Below is a little tool I developed to help parents think about fun, connecting questions to ask at the meal table, if needed.

Let me know how it goes! I would love your feedback about what works for your family! 

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24 May 2024

We went to the mountains last weekend and it was a gift in so many ways. We were the only ones in the campsite, which was delightful to us because we simply enjoyed the quiet and the space to ourselves. (After our experience of being quite packed in to the campsite over the Easter weekend).

We did a fair bit of walking, daring one another to swim in the cooling river (some would say frigid), and just generally gazing upon the mountains. The weather was superb, and all round it left me with a sense of awe and wonder in our beautiful country and my lovely family.

“Awe and wonder are essential to the human experience. Wonder fuels our passion for exploration and learning, for curiosity and adventure.” Brene Brown, Atlas of the Heart. 

Awe and wonder awaken us to the more that life has to offer; beyond work and deadlines, beyond the digital world into the great unknown. To step into awe and wonder – to see something different, we need to do something different. Sometimes that means stepping beyond our comfort zone, adventuring in new spaces or in new ways. 

I was chatting to an acquaintance whose son is neurodivergent. She was telling me about some of the ways he has been stepping out and growing and exploring recently. She shared a story of a new experience they’d been through together, which she didn’t love, but he did. And although this experience may never become a love in her life, what she was delighted by was seeing her son get “stuck in”, make new social connections and enjoy himself completely. It also brought them as mom and son closer together. She lamented that she never gave him new experiences before now, seeing how well he adapted and delighted in it. I reminded her that previously she was simply keeping body and soul together, explorations are only possible when one feels safe and open to new possibilities.

Exploration as a family helps you to forge deeper relationships, make memories and engage creatively in the world around you. Challenging one another to do things you’ve never done before, or go to places you’ve never been before ignites curiosity, and opens you up to experiencing awe and wonder.

It might be as simple as sitting in your garden looking up at the night sky together to see what you can see. Going somewhere in your town or city you’ve never been to before. Eating something you’ve never eaten before. Getting out into nature is one of the fastest ways to experience awe and wonder. Maybe there are way more affordable opportunities to do so for you than you could ever imagine, wherever you live.

Explore more, and do it together.

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My parents used to live in the Eastern Cape and my in-laws in the Western Cape. Over the years we did a fair few miles of long-distance travelling with our children when they were under 6. It’s a unique challenge, for sure!

How to keep them occupied and most importantly, happy, without a screen for 12 hours at a time?! We developed a number of hacks over the years I want to share with you in case it’s useful to you as the holidays are upon us!

Tap into their obsessions

Under 6s always have that one obsession that they have to have regular doses of. It could be a picture book, or a fluffy toy, a particular TV program or a piece of machinery. My son was obsessed with lawnmowers (he pronounced it maw-nee-naws) and tractors. I made him an A5 sized flip file with pictures of lawnmowers and tractors. I did my usual cheap trick of buying up magazines from the local charity shop and cutting out the relevant pictures. He flipped through that little book a lot!

Drawing stations

How do you create a place to draw in the car? My clever husband made these plywood boards that fitted over the kids laps and then painted them with blackboard paint and it worked like a charm – mostly. The upside was chalk can get washed off anything. The downside was that chalk can get lost dropped and lost easily… If you can troubleshoot how to keep the chalk contained well, it’s a win!

When they got a little older, we gave them whiteboards with a whiteboard marker with a string attached. This is for a more responsible 5 year old who is coached on NOT drawing on the seat or their sister.

Stories

We made use of our many stories on CD (back in the day) and listened to stories narrated by well-known actors that served to entertain us too! The Three Little Pigs read by Rick Mayall was a favourite of us all! These days with Audible, children’s podcasts and YouTube you’re spoilt for choice.

Similarly, we’d have sing-a- longs to their favourite music. Can be slightly more tedious (Baby Shark, anyone?), but if you’re smart introduce them to your music and then everyone is happy!

Books

Bring along their favourite books to flip through. The cardboard, more hardy books that can stand a bit of chaos in the back seat might be best.

Snack packs*

This, far and away, was the best hack we made use of. Pack a couple of lunch boxes for each child with a selection of their favourite snacks. I would choose stuff that were real treats, like those triangle cheesies or mini cheddars. In each box (identical for each child, of course) there would be some fruit and veg cut up and some treats of a sweet and savoury variety. Carrot sticks, cucumber sticks, strawberries, naartjie pieces, dry wors and bell peppers were all enjoyed. And of course, sweeties!

Important: Think through any choking hazards very carefully.

*One thing to consider when you’re packing your snack packs is what the terrain is like that you’ll be travelling through. For example, if there are a lot of twists and turns, go easy on the rich food, or any food for a while! We once left my folk’s house and they immediately asked for strawberries and strawberry yoghurt (I don’t recommend yoghurt AT ALL in the car. Been there and made that messy mistake!), a couple of hours and twisty roads later and we had a “strawberry vomit” on our hands. Which obviously we still talk about to this day. Urgh.

Keep it Clean 

Put their car seats on top of old towels. It saves so much time cleaning up afterwards. Have old cloth nappies or towels available to wipe up anything you need to wipe up (without needing to go into detail at this point). Have a LOT of wet wipes on hand, as well as some water for a spot of rinsing off things and children. As well as some empty bread bags (reuse, recyle) for putting dirty clothes or tissues or wet wipes into.

Those were our travel hacks, what are yours?

If you’ll be on the roads this holiday, stay safe and have a wonderful time!

The post Bonus blog: Travelling with the littles appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

The Winter holidays are here! You have some ideal opportunities to play and connect with the children in your life. Enjoy!!

The Winter holidays are upon us – happy holidays all!! I like to share some connection ideas for all ages for these times as a way to inspire and encourage family connection, play and fun!

Recently, in another bout of evening load shedding, while we were sitting around our fireplace and roasting giant marshmallows (courtesy of my older sister who likes to keep things moderate and normal size in every way – hmmmm… cough cough.)

Anyway… we happened upon the idea of doing a ‘pub quizz’ and that led to several evenings of searching for general knowledge quizzes online and asking and answering questions.

Wait, it’s a lot more fun than I’ve just made it sound! The cool thing about this is you can search for questions related to whatever topic takes your children’s fancy. We have had several rounds of football-related quizzes, music, sports and fantasy characters. There are also questions geared to different ages so you will find something suitable for your kiddos no matter their age.

Adults, put your inner competitor aside and let the children take the lead. Give them time to think and remember answers. It’s ok to get answers wrong, even ‘simple’ ones we ‘should’ know. No shaming and blaming, just enjoyment! For some children if you say “Oh, you should get this one easily!” it can put them under a lot of pressure to perform and they could end up getting it wrong out of panic!

This is a great activity for tweens and up, but also any child who enjoys knowing stuff about the world and learning more.

Firelight and giant marshmallows are not mandatory, but add a touch of atmosphere as well as warmth and light during load shedding!

The post Quizz time! appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

*This is not a sponsored post!*

I think a large dose of play might be in order for many right now. It’s that time of the term, 9 weeks in and it’s beginning to show in the children and the teachers and the parents! Play infuses us with joy, which is incredibly energizing. What if you played more together as a family towards the end of the term, had more fun, more opportunities to laugh. It could be a game changer!

I haven’t reviewed anything for a while, so I thought it was about time to promote a family friendly game that ticks many boxes.

I was first given the game Dobble (aka Spot It) by my cousin visiting from the UK. I have used it countless times in the playroom for years. It works with every age group and you can have between 2 and 8 people playing.

Spot it doesn’t require much in the way of energy, although it is very engaging and does require some concentration. There are various ways to play, so you feel like you’re getting multiple games in one, keeping the interest up. It’s also a fairly quick game. One game before bed time is realistic, for example. (No such thing as a “quick” game of Monopoly, I think we all know!)

I think this is one of the most enduring card games I’ve ever owned or played. Kids who come see me for play therapy often ask for it multiple times. So while it is priced just over R 300, it’s good value for money as it’s not gimmicky.

I was chuffed when my son received his own set as a birthday present from granny and grampa, so now I have a set for the playroom and a set for the family!

Of course, you don’t have to buy or play Spot it to be able to play. Any game your children find fun is a good game! This is simply one idea that will appeal to many parents, as well as children (because we definitely need to have fun too!)

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The need for ritual and ceremony is universal. We have daily rituals; that first glorious cup of coffee in the morning, or the blanket we always sleep with. One helps us start the day and the other helps us finish it.

Rituals mark time, bringing comfort or reassurance into each day. But they can also be very practical and necessary; like opening the curtains every morning or closing them at night.  Rituals soothe and anchor us.

Ceremonies can be formal or informal, a wedding, a prize giving, a birthday party. Rituals and ceremonies are a symbolic representation of dynamics that are happening in people’s lives.

Our family had an informal but significant ceremony, really part of a rite of passage, recently. Our son turned 13! Adolescent boys in Western culture lack rites of passage and ritual that help them to mark their change in development, so, we decided to create one.

We gathered family and good friends who have known our son his whole life to speak words of affirmation to him. We asked people to prepare and write their words down to give to him to keep, so that significant blessing was not lost in the moment and if he felt overwhelmed, he would at least have a copy to read afterwards. It was so good. It was affirming and blessing who he is and who he is becoming in a time when it certainly isn’t easy being adolescent.

As parents, our message to him was that this group of people are part of his “village” and that if he couldn’t talk to us, he could talk to one of them. Most importantly, we all told him he is loved and cherished. It was quite beautiful.

I encourage parents to find their own unique family rituals to do together. It can be fun; like having an “eat dinner with your fingers meal” once a month (we’ve been there, done that but it didn’t appeal to the more tactical sensitive in the family!) Rituals can be established around your unique family interests, needs and ages.

When each of our children turned 6 they went on a “6 year old adventure” with their dad and grandad. We still talk about those adventures! Rituals make memories, even if things didn’t go according to plan! One child’s adventure ended in a stomach bug, but they still have very fond memories of the trip!

Be child-led as far as possible. Ask your child for their input and ideas. For example, before the 6 year old adventure, we asked our children to think about where they wanted to go and what they wanted to do. It was an overnight trip, one child chose the mountains and the other the beach. They chose the evening meal and treats.

There is an intention in a planned ritual that communicates deep connection and belonging. The time and commitment involved on the part of the adult tells the child they are important. The ritual places the child inside a bigger story, with their trusted adult(s).

Let me know if you already have family rituals, or if you plan to start one!

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Enjoy the learning as you think about a topic from a different perspective!

We started something new a little while ago, during a loadshedding peak (for us every evening between 6 and 8pm!) and not having quite enough light for boardgames. It was my husband’s idea of brilliance to hold a …debate! The organised, respectful, listening kind. We split into two teams and my husband decided on the first topic which was not too emotive – “Dogs being walked in the local conservancy should be kept on a lead” – for and against. Daughter and dad teamed up, and came up with some solid arguments for dogs being on leads. My son and I also, if I may say so, came up with some solid arguments too. It was a great process.

Set ground rules before you begin

We talked about things before and after such as how we listen, we don’t interrupt, we decided on what the actual process would be together, and we talked about what was difficult about debating.

Enjoy the learning

Our daughter was very for having dogs off lead at the start, by the end she was totally invested in having them on lead. We talked about having to debate from a position opposite to what you believe or perceive. She said at first it was hard for her, but by the end she could totally see the other side of the argument and debated quite convincingly.

There were a couple of times different teams interrupted the others and a show of frustration at this – we talked through how annoying it is to be interrupted and the importance of listening through to the end. We talked through different ways of doing debates and settled on one way together for this time. We’ll try something else next time.

There were no winners or losers. We decided we definitely can’t do this activity if any of us are tired or emotional, and that for future debates we’ll decide all together whether it’s a good time for it. We also did not get hung up on technical debating rules and process.

For me this was an amazing time to see my children think through an issue, put thoughts on paper and then form arguments. We all interacted as equals – mom and dad were by no means experts on the topic although I did throw in a cheeky “Research shows…” at one point. It was great to talk about the way we think and what we learned from it.

We’ve decided our next topic is “Children should set their own screen time limits.” Mom and dad on one team and the kids on the other. However, mom and dad are first arguing FOR (I KNOW!! Don’t you want a ringside seat??). My son is delighted – he says there is hope the rules at home will be changed as we’ll see ‘the other side’. Ha ha ha!! But here’s the kicker, there is going to be a second debate on this topic where the teams reverse their stance. I shall report back!

Our children are 11 and 12, so it’s a really good activity for their age and where they’re at. I would recommend this for children around 8 years old and above, and that teams be divided to take into account age and development.

If your family were to hold a debate, what would it be on? (Maybe start with something not too emotive, until you’ve established how it can work and how different family members respond.) Hold a debate and make a #playpledge

The post The Great Loadshedding Debate appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

Isolating. Yup. I had a close contact with covid and had to isolate along with my kids. My husband was sent to a far corner of the house and the kids and I were left to Play, muddle along. Which mostly we did, quite nicely, even though “mom, when are you going to stop working?” was a frequent phrase – on the first day!

I came up with a cunning strategy. We had carpet picnics. Actually officially known as “two-course carpet picnics.” Two-course because one course was savoury and the other sweet. I had been given a lovely gift pack of goodies from some very special colleagues and so I had an on-hand supply of treats from which to make two-course carpet picnics.

The trick was buying time. I would tell them how long I would need to work and more or less what I was doing because they’re at the stage where they understand the time these things take more or less (online meeting, need to write a blog, need to finish writing these emails etc..), and then set a time for when I would be available and when the carpet picnic would start.

Mine are 11 and 10 so a little more independent at this stage. They were able to keep themselves busy with a mixture of sanctioned screen time and other play for a few hours because they knew at the appointed time I’d be stopping to picnic for a while.

First course of the two-course carpet picnic.

I would make the kids wait somewhere while I raided the kitchen and made as appealing-looking platters as I could. The added fun for our picnics was being able to skewer the food. (We can attest that pineapple, pickled onion, olives and cheese go very well together.)

The more creative and colourful you can make a two-course carpet picnic, the better. But don’t make more work for yourself. Use what you have on hand. Put it on a nice plate and call it something fancy and Voila! “There’s it!” as Suzelle would say.

This may be useful for rainy Summer holiday days. Or when you have to work and they’re at home. Or when you’re isolating. Right now a lotta people are isolating! (If that’s you, you’re not alone!)

And now, I am about to blow your mind but… you can have a carpet picnic with as many courses as you would like! You can even have a four-course carpet picnic if you like! I, however, did not want to set the bar too hard for myself because in my mind each course has to be better than the last, right?

Why am I even blogging about this?

A creative activity in the middle of the day can help to break up the day for kids into more manageable pieces, rather than feeling like one long stretched out day when they’re very aware they can’t go anywhere.

If you make a plan for a specific activity, make sure you stick to your promise as best you can. A bit of a surprise is always lovely to build some anticipation, but not all kids like surprises! If they don’t, write them a little invitation to the “event”. Again, DO NOT make work for yourself. Hand write a note and draw some flowers on it, or a picture of the intended “event”.

A bit of playful creativity in the middle of the day can bring joy and connection, even in difficult times. We might be going through adult things, but they still need to play!

If you’re in isolation, I see you. Please keep safe.

The post This week we have mostly been… appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

Because sometimes you just have to talk about something that you love that is light, crunchy and delicious.

As a kind of introduction to the silly season here is a silly post. All about popcorn. Because sometimes you just have to talk about something that you love that is light, crunchy and delicious.

I might have lived on popcorn a little bit when I was a student. I might still favour reading a book and eating popcorn as one of my go-to self -care strategies. My children might often beg for caramel popcorn and I almost never make it as it is deadly, people. Deadly. Once a year treat only.

But I will share my *Canadian friend Karen’s recipe here anyway…

Popcorn is ridiculously cheap for how much joy it brings. Except for when you buy it at the movies, in which case it’s the most expensive food purchase you could ever make because of the million rand markup. (Well, you know, almost).

I use popcorn from time to time in play therapy sessions. It is always wildly successful!

Warning: possibly a controversial, triggering opinion (fact) about to be expressed. Popcorn should be homemade from the kernels – not popped in a paper bag in the microwave, nor should it be purchased from the shops in a ready popped form, enclosed in a foil bag. Shiver me timbers!! (As my *Australian friend Jen would say). No!

How do you make it the old traditional way, you ask? Here’s my recipe…

If you want a snack to keep to yourself, unfortunately popcorn is not it because it smells delicious and goes everywhere. The lesson is, popcorn is for sharing so make enough!

Popcorn crafts!

This looks like a fun one to try for Christmas, a popcorn and cranberry garland. (Hang in there, the school holidays are almost around the corner!)

The popcorn games!

I don’t know what it’s called but have you ever had a contest where you try to see how many pieces of popcorn you can catch in your mouth – no hands! Either you play by yourself, throwing it into the air and catching it in your mouth, or you can get a partner to throw it to you.

See how long you can balance a piece of popcorn on your nose.

Play popcorn “chubby bunny”. See how much popcorn you can stuff into your mouth and still say “chubby bunny”. Warning: this is a bit gross to watch and don’t let your kids spray wet popcorn all over the place when they can’t hold it in anymore. Also, clearly not Covid friendly…

Hours of fun when the Summer rains are falling, as if often our reality here in the beautiful KZN midlands!

I hope you get to enjoy some popcorn, play and fun this weekend!

*Please read asterisked portions above in the appropriate accent. Thank you.

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