Healthy relationships: Connection and Value
None of us can claim a perfect relationship. Healthy relationships are thankfully not defined by perfection on the part of the participants in those relationships.
For better or worse, our children get their pattern for relational connection from their primary caregivers. One of the best gifts we can give our children is the skill of cultivating healthy relationships. This is modelled through ordinary daily life, but also taught and practised as we continue to grow.
None of us can claim a perfect relationship. Healthy relationships are thankfully not defined by perfection on the part of the participants in those relationships.
Brene Brown offers this definition of connection, a cornerstone of all healthy relationships.
Feeling valued is a significant part of healthy relationships. How do you teach this? Value your child. Tell her she is valuable, not for what she can give you, but for who she is, that her time spent with you is a precious thing, that she has something to offer just by being herself.
Unhealthy relationships make you feel used, not valued.
To help your children cultivate healthy relationships, talk about what they are. Ask them about who they enjoy hanging out with, and why. What is it about that friend that they like? How does being with that person make them feel?
What sort of things does being with that friend make them think? Does it make them feel good about themselves? Inadequate? A bit controlled?
Your child may not be able to put it all into words yet, but listen really closely to how they speak about different friends. Is there an ongoing pattern of how they talk about that person? Maybe always with a bit of frustration and tension….? Or maybe a good dose of fun and playfulness where there is some give and take…?
The conversation goes the other way too; ask your children about how their words and actions make others feel. Asking about what they did to others that they think helped them smile, or maybe even made them cross or sad. Sometimes children share their annoyance at certain kids who they find hard to connect with. Listen to your child, empathise with them. But also find ways to help them think about the other kid in new ways. They don’t have to be everyone’s best friend, this is about teaching them that every single person has value.
Whatever your child says, don’t overreact or assume the worst. At some stages if I believed what one of my children said about friendships, I would assume that no one ever speaks or plays with them ever! When I sit in that for a bit with this child, it eventually emerges it was a bad day, or a bit of a knock of self-esteem and eventually everything is put into perspective.
All relationships have ups and downs. This is not about pertaining perfection. This is about slowly learning the art of cultivating healthy relationships. It starts in the family, then grows through friendships and possibly, ultimately into romantic relationships.
What would we wish for our children above all else? I know what my wish is, that they would know all the days of their lives that they have value, no matter what the world says, and that this would mean wherever they land, they find themselves valuable and worthy to be in healthy relationships. And in turn, that they know how to value others just the same way they have been valued.
