Loneliness

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...back to today's blog.

Last week I told you that I attended the Child Trauma Conference in Cape Town and that the topic was Harmful Sexual Behaviour in children.

What is harmful sexual behaviour? In a nutshell they are sexual behaviours displayed between children that are concerning because they cause harm in some way.

For example, one 8 year old shows another 8 year old a pornographic video. The impact of explicit content on developing brains is massive. Both 8 year olds are being harmed. There are ways of assessing the level of harm, but I won't go into that right now. This is by way of example (a not uncommon one).

Loneliness as a driver of HSB

What stood out to me at the conference that was articulated by several speakers was that loneliness is a potential driver of harmful sexual behaviour. I found this heart-breaking. We know there is a loneliness epidemic in the world, but I often picture this as an adult's problem, not children!

I acknowledge feeling lonely, or experiencing loneliness is a part of normal human experience. The type of loneliness I am referring to here is a persistent loneliness such that it affects a person's emotional and mental health and even physical health.

The issue of loneliness has become so pervasive the world over that the World Health Organisation created a commission to look into it. This is the definition of loneliness offered in the Commission's final report.

Loneliness, a form of social disconnection, is a negative, subjective emotional state resulting from a discrepancy between one’s desired and actual experience of connection.

Source: https://www.who.int/groups/commission-on-social-connection

Heart-breakingly, when you unpack it, it makes sense that children who display harmful sexual behaviour might be isolated, lonely children. Below are some ways children might feel lonely in life.

Trauma

Many children who display harmful sexual behaviour (HSB) have had trauma experiences. Trauma causes us to feel different to others, to feel on the outside, to feel different. If a child doesn't have a safe adult to help them process their trauma, how do they make sense of it? They don't, they internalise that they somehow caused the trauma, that they are flawed and wrong.

Trauma carries a high level of shame, guilt and self-blame. Children very quickly self-blame. Depending on how adults around them react to them in the situation, they can carry the blame for years without being able to verbalise it. Their inner script is about them being bad and wrong.

Trauma can also make you believe you are the only one this has happened to, the only one who has been through this experience and these feelings. This is incredibly isolating. If the event is tied up in so much shame, how on earth do you ever ask anyone about it or share anything about it? Shame is silencing and causes loneliness.

The absence of meaningful connection

Children who display harmful sexual behaviour can be void of meaningful connection with the people around them. Each one of us has a need for deep emotional connectedness, especially children. They need to know their significant others are present and available to their emotional, physical and developmental needs. When they are not, children suffer. We talk about disrupted attachments, children feel totally disconnected and adrift, leading to shame (I don't feel loved, I must be unlovable/bad), and loneliness.

I have written before about strengthening emotional connection with children who have initiated harmful sexual behaviour, I see it as a key component of healing. I have also had conversations with experts here and here about emotional connections as protective factors for children.

Children need closeness and willing adults who say "let's talk about it, we're not scared to go there with you." This type of vulnerability helps to deal with shame and is incredibly healing.

Neurodiversity

Neurodiverse children can have a real struggle with loneliness when they can't quite keep in step with their peers. They're a beat behind catching the cues of their peers, or they're totally misunderstood, or their impulsivity gets them into trouble with their class, again. Children show no mercy, they get irritated and they show or say it. They can be mean and fierce in their "feedback" to their peers. Meanwhile, the kid with ADHD or on the spectrum has no idea what they did wrong. They just know they're on the outside, again.

Adolescence

Adolescents are actively searching for identity and meaning in their lives. They are constantly looking for people to look up to. Luke Lamprecht was a speaker at the conference and he said that "youth will go online to find their script" when they can't find it in the world and people around them. There may be many great scripts online, but there are very many violent, perverse, demeaning scripts too. Like the incel influencers I won't name who so many young men adore. They're looking for someone to look up to, someone to follow.

I'm not naive enough to think adolescents will appreciate and look up to their parents while they're still adolescents. But this is really where showing up matters. Even if they reject you, say they don't want to talk, stonewall you. Offering real connection, often non-verbal connection (no lectures!), it really, really matters. And, they're watching more than they let on.

Blame the victim

We can further isolate children who have displayed harmful sexual behaviour by labelling them. I have had conversations with teachers at different schools where they have shared examples of a child quickly being labelled by parents and being ostracised and in some cases, ending with the child leaving the school.

We can never assume the child who initiates inappropriate behaviour is not a victim themselves. We have to assume every child is vulnerable in some way, in need of care, compassion, education and protection.

As Simon Hackett said at the conference, healing cannot happen in a vacuum. Children need opportunities in real life, in safe circumstances to develop the social and emotional skills they need to be themselves again. I believe where there is harmful sexual behaviour, there is a loss to children's innocence and a loss of connection with the self. This needs healing, and this doesn't happen in therapy alone, it happens in peer relationships and in healthy connections with safe adults.

What I am not saying

I am not saying that every child who experiences loneliness will display harmful sexual behaviours. I am also not saying that all adolescents, all those with neurodiversity, all those who have experienced trauma or all those living without meaningful connection will go on to display HSB.

But, children and adolescents who have displayed HSB have typically had one or more of the above things going on in their lives. We should never jump to conclusions, every time I talk about harmful sexual behaviours I come back to this; context matters.

What do we do?

If you perceive a child is chronically lonely, or has told you they are, be proactive to find out from them how they try to fill that void, and explore with them what you can do to offer help.

The anti-dote to loneliness is social connection. How can you invite a lonely child into community that is safe, where they can build social connections? It's bigger than one person, it takes a village and inclusive community matters.