Parenting in a Pandemic: self-care, what?

Thinking about our own needs as parents is more important than ever as we negotiate this unknown world with our children who are looking to us for answers.

During this rather extraordinary period of time in the world, where everyone is affected by the coronavirus pandemic, what does self-care look like for parents? All of us are managing our own worries, needs and uncertainties not to mention that of our children.

Every article for parents that I have read recently about managing children during the pandemic says to implement structure and routine at home. Personally, I am not a particularly routine/schedule type person. One of the ways I practice self-care is to not try and implement a rigid schedule as I know this will lead me to feel like a guilty failure.

What I do practice are rituals. For example, there are definite rituals I have that get my mind and body ready to sleep at night. I have definite rituals throughout my every day that help me practice my Peace, to take mental breaks and generally enable me to be a nicer person! But my rituals are not scheduled, I just don’t work that way.

The rituals I practice daily enable me to feel contained and to pass on positive coping techniques to my children, who also have their own unique ways of coping. (Incidentally, one child is very structure-orientated and the other is not!)

By very definition, a self-care practice should feel like you are being kind to yourself in the carrying out of that practice. If your ‘self-care’ practice feels like pulling a ten-ton weight, then it ain’t self-care.

Self-care does have to be practised in order to become part of our every day. Self-care is a relatively new term in our vocabulary and for some is still interpreted as idleness. But one can be extremely busy and still practice self-care.

PsychCentral (psychcentral.com) defines self-care as: “…any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health. Although it’s a simple concept in theory, it’s something we very often overlook. Good self-care is key to improved mood and reduced anxiety. It’s also key to a good relationship with oneself and others.”

I’d like to suggest that we think of self-care as small, everyday practices that enable us to breathe (by which I mean find some space for ourselves) during the day. This looks different for each one of us. I know it is helpful to have suggestions, but I honestly believe if you take the time to stop and think about who you are and how you operate in the world, you will come up with what is self-care for you.

My one suggestion would be that if you’re trying to cope by using substances, engaging in addictions or you’re burning bridges with others rather than building them, then this is not self-care. These are ways of coping that are destructive to yourself and others and it is a good time to reach out for help. The South African Depression and Anxiety Group (sadag.org) has fabulous resources on their website as well as counsellors available to consult with.

I am also available for online consultation with parents during this time, if you’re struggling with coping, or you simply need connection. None of us have ever navigated this scenario before, we’re all in the same boat, we’re all doing the best we can in unchartered territory. You’re welcome to contact me on [email protected] if you wish to set up an online call. It’s time to start taking care of yourself and be the nice mom or kind dad that you already are.