Parenting Personalities
Pace and energy are impacted by how our personalities evolve. We need to be aware of where we are at, how our energy and pace impacts our children, and also what we need.
A key feature of personality make up is extroversion or introversion, but it’s not as cut and dried as we’ve maybe been led to believe in the past. Extraversion/introversion is on a continuum, so we are not necessarily 100% one or the other. Even super-extroverts need time alone, and introverts are also energised by company they enjoy.
You also get ‘ambiverts’, a combination of both extravert and introvert traits.
Parenting can be impacted by where you gather your energy from, and how you enjoy using your energy. And your parenting can impact the energy levels and needs of your child, depending where they fall on the continuum.
Extroverts gather their energy by being with other people. In general, they like to talk, they love face to face engagement, they can be loud (but not always), quite confident in who they are and putting their ideas forward. Extroverts in general did NOT enjoy hard lockdown.
Introverts gather their energy by being alone. They enjoy quiet, they thrive on “me time”. In group settings they can sometimes be overlooked because they listen more than they talk. Introverts LOVED hard lockdown.
Our child’s natural tendency towards extraversion or introversion may not be too obvious so early in life and we will have to watch with curiosity to see how it unfolds for them.
Introverts parenting the extroverted child
If you hear the question “Who are we going to visit today?” on a regular or even daily basis from your child, you most likely have an extrovert on your hands!
I remember a friend of mine, a classic introvert, saying how hard it was to take her toddler to the shop. He would greet EVERYBODY! She, who would rather go through the shop unnoticed, was finding herself having several conversations with complete strangers every time she went to town, this was depleting on her energy as an introvert. Introverts can find it really hard to understand the concept that extroverts make friends everywhere they go.
Introverts often simply want to switch off from the outside world at the end of a day. Silence and solitude may be needed. Enter your extroverted child who needs to connect with you by talking about their day, acting out parts of it, or is asking to visit a friend.
Introverted parents need to carve out the time they can to “re-boot” their energy, but will need to make some sacrifices to facilitate social time for their extrovert children.
Telling your extroverted child to just “go and play” by themselves may feel really rejecting for them. They can’t get lost in a world of their own imagination as much as an introvert might, because they really need others to ‘spark’ off.
If you’re not feeling social, but your extroverted child is needing stimulation and novelty, you could consider an outing to a coffee shop where there is a jungle gym hopefully children to play with. One of my children used to ask to go for a drive “somewhere we have never been before.” They were asking for novelty and company in the car, which was soothing for them. This activity wasn’t particularly social, but it was novel and stimulating enough for the child.
Extroverts parenting the introverted child
An extremely extroverted, dynamic mom was talking about getting to know her baby and at times thinking there was something wrong with her. She couldn’t understand why she would be playing with her baby and then she would turn away her face, or go quiet. The mom started to realise that her baby was simply asking for space, and that she was more of an introvert, mom was able to adjust her interactions with her.
For example, instead of lots of face-to-face time, she would opt for more side-by-side time. Instead of lots of talking to the baby, she would offer a story, or just companionable silence. She learned her child’s cues for when she needed to be social – lots of smiling, giggling, physically reaching out, and when her child had had enough – turning away, hiding in mom’s arms, going very quiet.
Extrovert parents can help their children, even their extrovert children, by reflecting on the energy they bring to their children. They can be very enthusiastic and have a “let’s GO!” high energy, faster paced approach to life. This is wonderful, but not what all children can handle all the time.
Reflecting on when and how to bring this beautiful energy is important. After a long day at school, the introverted kids in the car may need to not talk.
This might be hard for the extroverted parent who is excited to connect with his/her children again. Don’t read silence and non-responsiveness as rejection or lack of respect, reflect on needs and energy levels and think about appropriate ways to adjust accordingly.
The extroverted mom further shared that she has learned to listen well to her children, to respond when they are asking for social time, and over weekends and holidays to not get overenthusiastic and commit the family to too many social engagements.
We’re all learning.
