When kids lie and steal: And how adults can respond

For parents who have worked hard to teach their children right from wrong, discovering their child has been lying or stealing can be a massive shock. Understandably, this can lead to a range of reactions: anger, shame, disbelief, and often a punishment of the behavior. No doubt about it, it is really hard to deal with your child being deceitful.

What if lying and stealing are not moral issues, but emotional and personal identity issues?

Lying and the Sense of Self

Violet Oaklander, founder of Gestalt Play Therapy, explains that when children’s sense of self is poor, lying can help them feel more important or impressive in a given situation. Self-doubt, feelings of inadequacy, and even guilt or shame can lead children to weave fantasies to avoid facing their reality. Lying behaviors may develop in environments where care is inconsistent, or expectations are harsh and unrealistic.

What do I do if I will simply never measure up and know I will be punished for this? I’ll just create the fantasy that I have and convince everyone of it, including myself.

Lying as a Trauma Response

Robbyn Gobbel offers insight into lying as a trauma response. She notes:

"Ultimately, it almost always comes down to: it’s NOT SAFE to tell the truth."

She provides an infographic that explores this perspective further: Lying-Infographic_pdf.

Lying as a Learned Response

Children mirror their environment. If you lie periodically to cover your own bases, children will copy that behavior. They are also keenly aware when you lie to them, even if they can't articulate it, and this breaks trust while signalling that deception is acceptable.

Lying as Developmentally Appropriate Behaviour

Some lying and stealing is a normal part of children’s development. They might lie to avoid getting into trouble or because they really want something. Testing boundaries and observing parental reactions is also common. For example, a child might steal sugar from the sugar bowl and lie about it or take a sibling’s belongings and blame someone else.

How Do We Deal with Lying and Stealing?

If your child—or a child in your care—is caught lying or stealing in ways that go beyond developmentally normal or innocent behavior, how should you respond?

Please Do Not Ever Do This...

• Do not name and shame them. Yes, the behavior is wrong and consequences are necessary, but shaming a child damages their sense of self. Assume you don’t know the full story yet. Be curious and compassionate before jumping to conclusions.
• Do not punish in anger. Extreme measures like taking a child to a police station to “scare them straight” or publicly humiliating them (e.g., making them stand on a desk while labeling them as a thief) are deeply harmful. These practices destroy a child’s inner world and sense of worth.
• Avoid making an example of them. Even if public punishment seems effective, it comes at a tremendous cost to the child’s emotional well-being.

Try This Instead...

1. Be calm and non-judgmental. Provide consequences in line with household rules or school policy after time and reflection. Most children already feel ashamed of their actions—they don’t need additional insults or judgments.
2. Follow school procedures. Explain the steps to the child and involve them in the process where appropriate. Build trust by showing you care about their perspective.
3. Build relationships. Spend time learning about the child’s context and support system. Harsh environments or unrealistic expectations may drive deceptive behavior as a survival strategy.
4. Dig deeper. Seek to understand the root causes behind the lying or stealing. Often, addressing underlying trauma or unmet needs will naturally reduce the behavior.
5. Focus on connection. At home, prioritize quality time and affirm your child’s worth. They need more support, not less, during these challenging moments.
6. Call out their strengths. Reinforce who the child is beyond their behavior. Affirming their positive traits can help break cycles of shame and negativity.
7. Seek professional help. If deceptive behaviour is compulsive, concerning, or linked to abuse or trauma, professional intervention may be necessary.

Affirm the child for who they are rather than solely focusing on achievements. A strong sense of self can replace the need for deceit.