When kids lie and steal: And how adults can respond
23 August 2024
For parents who have worked hard to teach their children right from wrong, when they become aware their child has been lying and/or stealing, it’s a massive shock. Understandably, they move through a range of reactions; anger, shame, disbelief and this most often results in a punishment of the behaviour. No doubt about it, it is really hard to deal with your child being deceitful.
What if lying and/or stealing is not a moral issue, but an emotional and personal identity issue?
Lying and the sense of self
Violet Oaklander, founder of Gestalt Play Therapy, says the following about children who lie.
When children’s sense of self is poor, telling lies may help them feel more important and impressive in a given situation. Self-doubt, feelings of inadequacy and even guilt and shame can cause children to weave fantasies so that they don’t have to face their reality. Lying behaviours may develop in order for the child to preserve themselves in an environment where there is inconsistent care, or harsh, unrealistic expectations. What do I do if I will simply never measure up and I know I will be punished for this? I’ll just create the fantasy that I have, and will work to convince everyone of it, including myself.
Lying as a trauma response
Robbyn Gobbel has created this infographic, a perspective on lying as a response to trauma. (Simply click to view)
What Gobbel says is “Ultimately it almost always comes down to it’s NOT SAFE to tell the truth.”
We’re wired for connection, we’re wired to belong in the group, and we will do whatever it takes to stay in a place of fitting in. Even if it means lying or stealing.
Lying as a learned response
Please remember, if you periodically lie to others to cover your own bases, your children will copy your behaviour. They also know when you are lying to them, or they are at least suspicious of it when it’s happening. This breaks trust and also sends a message that deception is OK.
Lying as developmentally appropriate behaviour
Also remember, some lying and/or stealing is a normal part of children’s development, because they really want something, or they want to avoid getting into trouble. Also, testing boundaries and even parent’s reactions with various behaviours is completely normal. I’m referring to stealing sugar from the sugar bowl and lying about it, or taking their siblings things without asking and blaming someone else.
How do we deal with lying and stealing?
If your child, or a child in your class, is caught out stealing or caught out in a blatant lie that is beyond what is developmentally normal or innocent, what do you do?
Please do not ever do this…
Firstly, please do not name and shame them. Yes, the behaviour is wrong and consequences are needed. But there are ways to go about working with the child in the situation without shaming them. Assume you don’t know the whole story yet. Assume it is a bad choice in the moment, and be curious and compassionate first, rather than jumping to conclusions.
Do not act out or punish in anger. A trip to the police station with the child to show them what will happen if they continue on this path will not work. Making a child stand on their desk, pointing your finger at them and telling the whole class what a thief they are will also not work. Both of these scenarios have happened to children I know. It still breaks my heart.
Has it ever achieved your objectives to “make an example” of a child who has been deceptive? If it has, have you ever thought about the cost to the child’s inner world? These types of naming and shaming practices do nothing but destroy and shame children and young people. It has to stop.
Try this, instead.
Try to be calm and non-judgmental. Give consequences in line with your home rules or school policy, after some time and consideration. Most children know they are in the wrong and already feel ashamed about it, they don’t need insults or judgments heaped upon them.
In schools, follow procedure and explain to the child what the procedure is along the way. Build relationship, listen, spend time learning about the child’s context and support system. Assume that it may be very, very broken. Or it may be very harsh with many unrealistic expectations which the child can’t hope to meet and so lying becomes a way of coping.
Dig deeper and find out what caused the child to need to lie in the first place. Locating root cause, bringing it into a place of safe, warm light even though that may be painful for the child, will cause the lying and stealing behaviour to cease. If the need to be deceptive is no long there, it simply won’t happen anymore.
At home, make more time for connection and relationship. Don’t reject your child in anger, they need you more, not less in this time.
Affirm the child for who they are and keep on calling out their strengths, rather than focusing only on what they achieve. This is especially necessary if deceptive behaviour has become a habit. The habit is being sustained for a reason and may involve abuse and trauma. Professional help may be indicated where there has been significant stress, compulsive or worrying behaviour, or trauma.
