Incongruence Part Two

You can look here for Part One on what incongruence is. In this article I want to talk about behaviours that create incongruence in relationships.

Definition Re-cap

Incongruence; when something just doesn’t feel right or align either within you, or around you. Saying one thing and doing another.

The opposite of incongruence is congruence which means; agreement, harmony, compatibility.

Being congruent is belonging to myself. As Brene Brown says in Atlas of the Heart;

“We have to belong to ourselves as much as we need to belong to others. Any belonging that asks us to betray ourselves is not true belonging.”

Let's have a look at some behaviours that can create incongruence and then, how do we become more congruent aka belong to ourselves?

Behaviours that create incongruence

Gossip.

I remember going to a weight loss group many years ago and right in front of me, the leaders of the group were gossiping about other members who weren’t present. They were judging those members for not sustaining their weight loss. After that, there was no way I could attend that group and truly feel safe if the leaders of the group were unable to speak in an honouring way of the members they were meant to be serving. This felt very incongruent to me, these leaders were not living into the values their organisation espoused.  

A note to parents; gossiping about others in front of your children teaches them to gossip, and it creates deep incongruence within them if they also see you “be nice” to that same person. Friendship issues can often take on an even meaner slant when there is gossip involved. Gossip doesn’t teach children how to deal with their frustrations and conflicts, it simply makes them worse.

Gossip always includes judgement, so if we're trying to teach our children kindness and yet they regularly see us gossiping, the judgement will always win because it's so much easier to be negative than positive.

Lying.

Parents get very concerned when they become aware that their children are lying to them. I have written about this before. And, sometimes, parents lie to their children. Sometimes we lie to our children because we think we’re protecting them. We’re not, we’re creating a sense of incongruence for them and it may affect their trust in us. They feel that something is off, they sense a disparity between what we’ve said and what is actually happening.

Anything that does not align with what is true, creates incongruence. People who have grown up in households with abuse and/or domestic violence will say that living with an abusive parent who presents to the outside world in one way, but acts in a completely different and highly abusive way at home creates huge feelings of confusion and discomfort. Especially when the abuser is a respected and even beloved member of the community. The outside of the person doesn’t really match up with the person they become on the inside, in their own home.

Secrets.

Secrets create a world of incongruence for kids. Secrets can be another form of lies, often kept with the goal of protecting children. For example, ‘We’re not going to tell him he’s adopted.’ Parents might tell themselves this is to protect the child, but really it may be rooted in their own fear.  Adoption becomes this huge taboo topic in the household.

Any topic that becomes off limits can create incongruence for children. The message is “we’re not going to talk about it.” Just because a child doesn’t know what the something is, doesn’t mean they are not aware of it. Children can feel the sense around the secret, so if there is shame or anger or disappointment or whatever it is, children can feel something is “off” and what they tend to do is blame the uncomfortable feelings on themselves.

How do we belong to ourselves?

Good question, and what does belonging to myself even mean? Gestalt theory talks about all of our different parts, and the individual or group's constant move towards homeostasis. We are constantly trying to find equilibrium within ourselves to feel integrated and whole.

Learning about who I am, taking responsibility for my decisions and actions, reflecting on my behaviour and relationships are all important pieces of self-discovery. When I belong to myself I essentially know myself and can appreciate myself for the strengths I have and I can acknowledge my weaknesses, accepting that they are part of me too. I get to be me, the 100% human version.

When I know who I am, I can belong to myself and experience greater harmony within myself. Now, I don't want to imply that being congruent with oneself is always about being happy, happy, happy. It is not. But there is a sense that in spite of hardships and hard feelings, you can connect to who you really are and metabolise the pain.

I sat with a parent who lost her partner recently. She felt safe enough to share that since her partner's death, she has found a part of herself that had kind of been 'lost' during their relationship. A part that has given her meaning, sense of purpose and agency. The role she has stepped into feels like a good fit for her. This has helped her to make a new start, even whilst still grieving.

This is not easy, particularly if you've grown up in a context where being yourself is not safe. There aren't any quick fixes, but there are some intentional practices that we can start. We may benefit from the help of a friend, coach or therapist.