3o August 2024

The Brene Brown quote I used in my blog on Being Deeply Human,  got me thinking about the concept of mastery and how important it is in the development of a child. I thought it might be useful to explore a bit more.

First, here’s that quote:

“It may seem counterintuitive, but one of the biggest barriers to working toward mastery is perfectionism. In our leadership research, we’ve learned that achieving mastery requires curiosity and viewing mistakes and failures as opportunities for learning. Perfectionism kills curiosity by telling us that we have to know everything or we risk looking ‘less than.’ Perfectionism tells us that our mistakes and failures are personal defects, so we either avoid trying new things or we barely recover every time we inevitably fall short.” Brene Brown in Atlas of the Heart (2021)

Mastery is defined as knowledge and skill that allows you to do or understand something very well, or to have complete control over something.

A psychological definition of mastery is to have an inner sense of competence. The inner voice that says “You got this.” or a satisfied “I did that!”

Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash

Born to master

Toddlers rate themselves. They show a good deal of pleasure when they have been trying to do something and eventually master it. It’s a beautiful thing when you see their inner sense of competence through their words and actions “I did it!”

My son’s phrase as a toddler was “Do it ‘self” – because he knew he could, and he did. Sometimes he did take it too far, like when he was on his Papi’s lap in the game reserve “driving” and told Papi to take his hands off the steering wheel because “I know what I’m doing.” He was two! Like I said, toddlers rate themselves.

Children’s natural curiosity enables them to master as many things as they can, a handy thing, as in the first 5 years of life they learn an extraordinary number of skills.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The struggle is needed

In general, adults do too many things for children, hover too closely when they are playing, ready to catch them at the first sign of a wobble, and intervene too quickly in normal childhood spats with siblings or friends. We intervene before it is actually necessary and potentially prevent mastery from being achieved. If there is no struggle with a new skill, they never fully achieve that inner sense of competence. The  result of this is that the child feels they can’t do anything alone, and emotionally they tend to be anxious and needy. They don’t feel competent or self-confident.

I was talking to a caregiver recently who confessed that she used to jump up to help her 8 year old grandson with whatever he asked her to do, even if it inconvenienced her. She did this out of love and a desire to nurture. He would ask for something, like a glass of water from the kitchen, and she would get it. She started to realise this was creating a dependence and contributing to spoiling him and so she has stopped doing for the child what he can actually do for himself. We talked about the fact that every now and then there is no harm in doing something out of a place of nurturing, even when children can do it themselves. This might be doing a little more for them when they are sick, or when they’ve had a really tough time, but not recommended as a daily occurrence.

Struggle vs. Frustration

Violet Oaklander writes that mastery requires some struggle on the part of the child. “ A baby learns from struggle, and with each mastery experience develops the strength to deal with frustration.”  from Hidden Treasure: A Map to the Child’s Inner Self.  (2007) She states that it is important to differentiate between struggle and frustration, that when frustration starts to become evident, extra support be offered – in order to help the child on their road to mastery.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Here’s an example of the difference between struggle and frustration. A little girl of 8 years old sits in Maths class and doesn’t get what everyone else seems to be getting, her struggle is real but she keeps on, trying to get it. As time in the lesson goes on, her struggle escalates into frustration which manifests in tears. The teacher notices the tears to ask her what she is crying about and laughs at her for crying about Maths. Is there any mastery experienced for this child in this lesson? No, certainly not. And neither is there any support in her experience of frustration.

Mastery is about mistakes, not perfection

We can support children by helping them recognise where their personal limits are – what is your child’s “I did it!” right now? It is going to be different from someone else’s. For example, mastery for a grade one ‘neurotypical’ child is different for a grade one who is on the autism spectrum.

Sometimes we have to help children see the difference between what they can realistically do and what they think others expect of them.

Mastery is about the individual’s sense of competence, not about how perfectly they have performed. And, it includes the mistakes made along the way!

Your role as a caregiver or parent in the struggle is to notice there is a struggle, and to assess how you can best support in the moment; maybe it’s to be an empathic support, maybe it’s to step in when you can see they’re moving into frustration, maybe it’s to be a strong advocate on their behalf.

Ultimately, here is a good rule of thumb; don’t do for your child what they can do for themselves.

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3 May 2024

Something that I hear fairly frequently from parents is their frustration at when they ask their child “why” they did this or that, their child is unable to answer them. Or, that every time they ask them “why” they get a different answer.

Parents, of course, are really trying to understand what is motivating their child’s behaviour particularly when the behaviour is undesirable. We’re driven by the belief that if the child will just tell us what is going on, we can get to the bottom of it and deal with it.

Sadly, it’s not that simple.

Violet Oaklander, the ‘mother’ of Gestalt Play Therapy writes about children who lie and the reasons they might do so. One reason is that when a child is asked a “why” question by a grown up, they feel they need to have a plausible reason and so they may need to make it up in order to placate the grown up. There is a risk when you ask your child “why” that you’re setting them up to lie to you, not because they’re dishonest, but because they know they are expected to have an answer, even if it is not an authentic one.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels

But the truth is, do we always have good reasons for doing what we do? If we’re in an emotional state, we do things without thinking and may not be able to offer reasonable explanations for our actions afterwards. If this is true of adults with a fully developed pre-frontal cortex*, then how much more so for children who don’t yet have a fully developed brain.

What is the motivation behind a “why” question? Maybe we want a neat and understandable answer, we want reasons for what is happening and we want to be able to “fix it”.

But what if we assume that children are simply not able to give answers to “why” questions in terms of their behaviour. What if we could explore in a different way, not through asking questions, but through connecting.

If your child is having a hard time, whether you know what it is or not, they are most likely in a heightened emotional state and possibly feeling disconnected from themselves and you. Not many children are capable of articulating in words what is happening in their inner world – hence the power of play therapy to play about their feelings and experiences rather than having to directly talk about them.

Photo by Hannah Nelson on Pexels

Here are some things you could try instead of asking “WHY”!

Take a breath.

Stop and notice how you are being triggered in the moment; what is the behaviour your child is displaying bringing up in you? What feelings or thoughts are being evoked? It might be making you grumpy, angry, sad, or worried. How is it feeling in your body? Quickening heart beat, red in the face, heavy hearted. All of these and more are legitimate responses. It’s tough (frustrating/confusing/worrying.. take your pick) to see your child have a hard time and not know what the real issue is or how to help.

Connect with your child.

Start by simply spending some alone time with them, even if it’s 15 minutes a day. Play a game or go for a walk. This will set you up to be able to start a conversation.

Be curious.

You could use the phrase “I’ve noticed that…” and name a specific behaviour they have been doing. The tone of voice you use is important, tap into compassion and patience. “I think you’re having a hard time because I see that you’re…” and name a specific behaviour that you’ve noticed.

Use empathy.

“Everyone has a hard time sometimes. I am wondering how I can help you?” Name the difficult emotions in your child when you see them “You look a bit upset right now, are you upset or is there another feeling you’re feeling?”  or “You look really angry. Can I help you?”

Give it time.

This is important; make space for responses, don’t expect instantaneous replies. If you rush, your child may assume you’re not being genuine in your attempt to connect and this may make them feel less safe and shut down. Some conversations may bear absolutely no fruit in terms of understanding what is happening for your child, even if you take your time, use empathy and make a safe space. Are you willing to simply enjoy being with your child, to love them in the place they’re at in spite of their behaviour? This is called unconditional love, and we need to keep remembering that this is our primary job as parents.

Photo by Michaela St on Pexels

A “why” question is not going to give you a deep or even good understanding of what your child is going through – it may give you a surface answer at best if they’re able to formulate a response. But, connecting with your child through spending time, and using empathy and compassion will give you a better relationship and deeper insight into what they’re going through and where their behaviour is coming from.

Give it a go and let me know what happens! I would love your feedback!

*The pre-frontal cortex is the last part of our brain to be developed and is said to be fully formed by the age of 25 years old. The pre-frontal cortex is responsible for logic and reasoning, planning, problem-solving, memory, focus and attention and impulse control.

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26 January 2024

Parenting is about who you are and how you see yourself, not what you know. Parenting from the heart as opposed to the head.

We can listen to as many profound talks as we like, get hold of the best tools and techniques, but unless we move out of our heads and into our hearts, we will be missing the point. The point is relationship. Relationships that are healthy, flexible and growing come from the heart.

A friend once told me that her ex-boyfriend got to know her by making a spreadsheet about her likes and dislikes. She grew and changed beyond the spreadsheet  (as healthy people tend to do) and he didn’t know how to relate to her because well, she didn’t fit the boxes anymore.

We parent through relationship, not through knowledge. If we were meant to parent through knowledge alone, children would be born with manuals that we would then study, learn and voila! Everything is awesome. (If only!)

Of course, there is knowledge available to us that can help a great deal in our parenting. Basic knowledge about child development, healthy attachments and how children react to stress and trauma can help us gain an understanding of what is going on for our child. Also, knowledge about current events/issues that may affect your child is important in helping you to be aware to protect them and help them navigate said events/issues. Examples, dealing with social media, dealing with community trauma, dealing with bullying and handling exam stress.

I encourage you to learn so that you can gain a better understanding of your child’s reactions and behaviour. And then, make the knowledge your own by adding yourself to it, your own meaning, your own context. Keep updating your knowledge about your child; new stages of development, new challenges for them, how they are adapting and evolving.

When you do learn new things about parenting, practice on your child. Practice a new tool and see how it works, reflect on how it went, be curious about it and learn more. There are so many people on social media who give great advice, “scripts” and tools to use.

I can recommend these ones I have been following on Instagram

For toddlers @biglittlefeelings

For children @dr.siggie

For teens @coachingwithwill

They all provide great content, but remember to follow your heart and you do you! And if you like any of the offerings, use it and make it yours.

Photo by Jack Sharp on Unsplash

When parenting from the heart, take care of your heart first. Practice self-compassion, be kind and gracious to yourself. You might need to be the parent you never had to yourself. Are you doing things that bring a smile to your face on a regular basis? How are you planning to fill your heart in 2024? Your children deserve a parent with a full heart, and you deserve it too.

Join Parenting Conversations

A forum for parents to learn new parenting tools, and how to apply them in relational ways.

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5 January 2024

Welcome to 2024! I truly hope it is going well for you so far.

I’m so glad you’re here. Thank you to every person who has sent in query or made contact through the website. For a little while (starting hiccups of the new website), I might have missed a communication or two. If you tried to contact me and I haven’t responded, please try again.

Onwards and upwards into 2024 and today’s blog.

What is my plan to become a better parent in 2024?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot. In our household, we are now parenting two adolescents and things are different, they are different. I can no longer base my parenting on what I relied upon in the past. I’m not the same either, I’ve changed and (hopefully) grown in the past year through experiences I’ve been through, knowledge I’ve gained and self-work* I have done.

Define “being a better parent” for you

In order to become a better parent, we cannot simply wish it so, although it’s a great to begin with an intention. What does “being a better parent” mean to you?

If you were to picture yourself at your child’s age and imagine the ideal mom or dad parenting you, what would they be like towards you? How would it feel for you?  Make a list of attributes and actions this ideal parent has. Pick one that appeals to you and decide to work on it.

Ask for feedback

If your child is a little older, you can ask them for feedback. “Do you have any feedback for me as a parent?” or  “Are there ways I can be a better parent to you?” Be prepared to listen without interrupting or making judgements or getting defensive. We asked our children this during the holidays and it resulted in one of them venting some emotions, it gave us a clear indication of unresolved stuff that we need to work on.

Photo by geralt on Pixabay

Update your information

Every year (or month, or week!) your child’s body grows. You don’t try and make your child with size 5 feet fit into last year’s size 4s, you buy new shoes. Your child is changing in their thinking, evolving into a whole new person as time goes by and you need to keep updating your information about who they are becoming as they grow. I worked with a parent of an 8 year old boy who parented him as if he were still a 4 year old. This parent knew how to deal with a 4 year old, they desired to have a small child on their lap to read to, this made the parent feel safe and comfortable and in control. They struggled to accept the massive changes and different needs of their middle school child. Thus, there was a disconnect between this parent and child as the parent struggled to update their information about who their child was.

Updating your information includes asking your child about what’s new for them, what they’re enjoying creating, what questions they’ve been holding in their minds. They might not be able to put it all in words, don’t expect them to. But it’s important they know you’re curious without being intrusive. Be an observer, be a listener and update your information about your child so that you can become a more responsive parent.

Better parent or “better child”?

Often, we believe that children are the ones who need to make a change first. “If she would just listen to me the first time, I wouldn’t lose it.” We make our behaviour contingent on our child’s behaviour. But actually, we are the adults (difficult truth right there!). We are the ones who have fully formed brains, we can train ourselves to engage in our thinking brain which helps us with clear thinking, reasoning, logic and creativity. Our children cannot do this most of the time, yet. But the more we take responsibility for regulating ourselves, the more we can work with them even in difficult situations to co-regulate with them.

Co-regulation is when a parent or caregiver uses their voice, facial expression and bodily posture to communicate love, acceptance and understanding to a child in a moment of need or when they are experiencing “big feelings”. This enables a child to feel heard and understood, to feel they are not alone in that moment and that someone is available to help contain their overwhelm.

Photo by ruslana_art on Pixabay

So, here is an example of something new I have learned this past year. When your child is having a tantrum or meltdown, or just in general “losing it”, being whiny or whatever, the goal of the parent is not to be calm. The goal of the parent is to connect with themselves in that moment.

Lisa Dion says

“Calm is not the point. Connected to self during any and every experience is the point.

Can children learn to be with themselves when they are anxious, scared, happy, angry, sad.

That’s the point.

That’s emotional intelligence.” 

We are human, we cannot always remain calm when our children are going through big feelings, and when we are also experiencing big feelings! I really thought I had to remain calm, always. I didn’t do this perfectly at all, but I felt a guilt about not doing it perfectly. So, this new knowledge is a point of freedom for me that I am continuing to unpack and embrace.

All of this to say; when we as adults do the work and make the effort to be the best we can be, our children see that. They do what we do and not what we say. We don’t change when our children behave better, that is conditional love. We decide to become better parents because we are the adults and we get to choose growth and increasing wholeness for our own sake, as well as for our children’s sake.

Learn from example

Think of someone who you think is a “better parent” than you… it could be their presence and interactions with their children, it could be how much fun they have together, it could be the way their children behave compared to yours makes you feel they’re on to something. Whoever they are, see if you can spend some time with them and observe their parenting a little closer. Remembering that absolutely no one is perfect, but we can all learn from one another.

I run in-person parenting groups called Parent Conversations as well as an online process called Parenting for Connection. Email me, or complete a contact form if you’d like more info. Being in a small group setting is an excellent way to be opened up to new ideas and learning from others.

Have fun!

The number one way of becoming a better parent in 2024 is to play! Have fun with your child. Setting goals and doing the self-work does not mean serious and boring. We often feel deep and meaningful equals heavy, hard work…why? If the only parenting goal you set for yourself this year is that you play more, you’re already winning!

Keep a sense of humour about yourself and your parenting goals process, it will make life so much more enjoyable!

Photo by Alexas_Fotos on Pixabay

*Self-work; by my own definition is the ongoing work of learning about myself, learning how to manage my emotions and responses so that I am a better person to be with in general. It’s about increasing in self-awareness; who am I and why am I here on earth? 

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It might be time for a little mid-year check-in. How kind are you being to yourself as a parent?

“Every time I read a book about how to be smarter, how not to be sad, how to raise children and be happy and grow old gracefully, I think, “Well, I won’t make those mistakes, I won’t have to go through that,” but we all have to go through that. Everything they went through, we’ll go through. Life isn’t a vicarious experience. You get it figured out and then one day life happens to you. You prepare yourself for grief and loss, arrange your ballast and then the wave swamps the boat.” Garrison Keillor in “Leaving Home: A collection of Lake Wobegon Stories.”

Here is my punt for self-compassion, dear fellow parent. You can prepare yourself as much as you would like, but. But, when you get there and you don’t handle it like you would like to, like you believe you can or should or could have, don’t beat yourself up. As I read recently, don’t get into a “should storm”!

Every single stage of your child’s development, they will change – juuuuussst as you were getting the hang of it all! At the same time, you are changing too. Parenting is done in the middle of a much larger story. There is not a whole lot we can truly control in the externals.

We can control our response to our world. We can decide to become more aware of who we are and how we parent. This is more of an internal journey and what makes it more attractive and attainable is when we do it with self-compassion.

Increasing self-compassion

Here is a self-compassion “check list” to reflect on.

Am I being kind and understanding to myself?

Do I acknowledge that everyone has shortcomings (it’s not just me)?

Am I keeping my negative feelings in perspective?

You could also write yourself a letter as if it was from a close friend, expressing compassion for the part of yourself you may be struggling with as a parent. What kind words and affirmations would your friend use?

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I like to garden. That is not to say that I am good at it, or that I actually know what I am doing! But I like to be in the garden.

Right now our garden is a much overgrown, tangly, weedy, but beautiful mess. It is a time-consuming but happy challenge for the most part, to garden in our new space.

I had this thought whilst gardening on the weekend;

Gardening is as easy as parenting… not easy at all!

It can be rewarding and joyful and productive, but it’s not easy. In the garden I spent hours pulling out invasive weeds, thinning out, hacking down. It was hard work and for all the time I put in, you could almost not quite see the difference it made in one day. I will only be able to see a difference the more consistently I am able to put the time in.

In parenting as in gardening, you have to keep doing the same things again and again and again. And you often don’t see the change initially. This is especially true of the first 6 years of a child’s life. It is extremely repetitive. Re-pe-ti-ti-ve. Oh my goodness. And time consuming. T-i-m… (I won’t spell it out again, I think you get the picture!)

But the truth is that unless you sow into your child’s life as often and as consistently as possible, you simply won’t reap the rewards you want to see. It takes time and it takes consistency.

Some of the work is back-breaking. Do you remember how heavy your 9 month old got when you were rocking them back to sleep for ages on end?! It’s physically demanding and tiring on a whole new level. And then you have to do it all again tomorrow.

There is an emotional load to parenting that maybe can’t quite be compared to gardening… except maybe when a troop of monkeys obliterates your vegetable patch. (Don’t get me started. Yes, I carry emotional gardening baggage.)

Parenting and gardening should be both be undertaken with a long- term view. We will not get our garden into the shape we want it this season, perhaps not even this year. But we take a long-term view of gradual transformation because we’re not going anywhere anytime soon. And while the transformation is happening, we keep doing all the maintenance that may seem really mundane, but is vital.

Parent your child not only in the current moment, but with a long-term perspective in mind. What values do you want to instill in them? What decisions are you making in parenting them today that will help them navigate life in the future? What kind of person are you trying to raise?

You’re parenting a human being today who is growing up and gradually transforming into someone else…a pre-schooler, a tween, a teen, an adult. You’re constantly getting them ready for the next stage of their lives. How you treat them today matters. What you say and do in front of them matters, because in some way it will be repeated. The way you live your life in front of them is more important than what you tell them about how to live life.

Your role as a parent is to provide the best environment and conditions in which your child can grow. This involves being able to reflect on your parenting, on how your child responds to you, and making changes where necessary.

There is one significant difference between gardening and parenting.

In gardening you plant a cucumber seed and if the conditions and timing is right, it will become a cucumber plant. When you create the right conditions, the plant you harvest at the end is a “what you see is what you get” situation.

In parenting, the end goal is not producing a person just like you. It’s planting seeds, creating a conducive environment and then giving space to allow what you have nurtured to grow and bloom. Ultimately, a person so unique that at times you may not recognise yourself in him or her at all. A wonderful hybrid.

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When our emotions are recognised, listened to and responded to with care, we are better able to regulate and then learn how to cope with our emotions. Dr. Bruce Perry writes about a sequence of engagement that is very helpful; Regulate, relate, reason.

One day a child arrived home from school, went into his room and threw his books out of his school bag and threw a few other things around the room for good measure. He slammed the door and growled at anyone who came near. Behaviour seemingly out of the blue.

Let’s just pause and think about this…There are a few ways to respond as a parent.

An authoritarian parent looks at the behaviour only, deems it disrespectful and unacceptable, and decides to punish the child for throwing books around. There is probably no reflection on what caused the behaviour. Tensions may escalate, things that are not meant are said, voices are raised, it gets out of hand and both parent and child are left feeling angry, disconnected, and even shameful.

A helicopter parent might rush into the room and start tidying up immediately. They will want to smooth over, make better and fix, fix, fix. This parent might be appearing to be more gentle than the first, but there is also no reflection on the cause of behaviour and only a desire to smooth everything over and “back to normal.” There doesn’t appear to be space for emotions at all.

An emotionally-aware and in-tune parent will wait. They will also think about context; at this time of the term kids are writing tests, finishing projects or doing orals and it’s heading toward the end of the term when children, teachers and parents tend to be less fresh. Additionally to what is going on at school, there might be stuff happening at home.

In our story, an emotionally aware and in-tune dad is in the parenting seat.

The dad takes a deep breath and orientates himself towards his child. He knows that space and timing is important to allow himself to respond with patience, and to assess when his son is ready to engage. Acceptance of the child and his emotions is communicated. “I can see you’re really upset about something today. I am here when you want to talk.”

This child will learn they are accepted in the moment along with their emotions.

The boy starts calming down, having a cry about the frustrations he carried home with him in his school bag, the anxiety he felt about being behind in his work. His dad listens and empathises. The child becomes regulated ie: he becomes calm and in control of his emotions and body. He moves from overwhelm and stress to calm. He starts to be able to communicate a bit more with his dad, and be honest about his emotions. It becomes clear that he was worried and overwhelmed and that erupted as anger.

Then – only when the child was in a calm state – did the dad start suggesting a plan for a way forward. He suggested the child have a snack*, that he take a refreshing shower and then they would sit and talk about the work together.

The child, being regulated, was able to reconnect in relationship with his dad,  followed through the suggested plan on his own. When he had finished his snack and his shower, he sought his dad out and asked for help with the work. He was regulated, felt connected to his parent and then was able to reason – to do the cognitive work required of him.

Later, after the work had been done the parent asked to tidy up in the bedroom, which was done.*

Overall, the time in high emotion and “drama” was relatively short-lived due to the calm, patient response of the parent. The real issue for the child was exposed – worry and overwhelm.

The story ends with a child going to bed having successfully tackled some of the work, with support. He is more resilient to continue working towards catching up his work the next day. He has had an affirming experience with his dad who helped him navigate a stressful situation by being patient with him and showing unconditional acceptance.

Here’s the hard part: This cycle in some form or another will repeat itself, life is demanding after all and the same challenges trip us all up more than once! This is a learning experience for your child (and you) as they learn to regulate, relate and reason through your ongoing support.

As parents how we help regulate, relate and reason is through practice, practice and more practice. This is why self care for parents is so crucial! We never stop needing the regulate, relate and reason cycle for ourselves either.

*Any disciplinary action that is needed can come after dealing with the emotions. Once a child feels validated in their emotions, they are usually able to recognise what they need to do to repair the situation and do it without being told. But sometimes they do need a bit of prompting and support as well.

**The snack was not comfort food, but it was genuinely needed by the child at this point in the day. Low blood sugar levels contribute to ‘hanger’ and dysregulation. It is important to check when your child last ate or drank water, to ensure they’re not experiencing a sugar low that can cause emotional dysregulation.

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The emotional labour is real. We deal with the emotional labour with what tools we have at our disposal from the metaphorical toolbox we received from our own parents.

Nothing prepares you for the emotional labour of having children.

Dr. Rinda Blom.

I was in a training workshop with Dr. Blom recently when she made the above statement. It hit me as such a truth about the parenting journey.

She went on to say that we’re not ready to learn about emotional labour until we’re actually in it, going through our own struggles. And that is so true too. You will know this if you’re a parent.

There is simply nothing anyone can say that prepares us for what lies ahead in parenting. The emotional intensity, exhaustion, the relentlessness of it, the unpredictability, always having to be the adult, in charge, making the decisions, providing food, care, discipline, safety, money, time, consistency… the list is endless.

The emotional labour is real. We deal with the emotional labour with what tools we have at our disposal from the metaphorical toolbox we received from our own parents. We may discover we have excellent tools, or very mediocre to non-existent tools. And mostly we do not know what we do not have until we get there. There may be warning signs beforehand, but until we’re faced with actual parenting, we just don’t know.

There is absolutely no shame in not knowing, or in having mediocre to non-existent tools. This is not your fault. Also, there is no shame in being equipped with excellent tools but still feeling undone by the emotional labour.

You never know ahead of time the exquisitely unique child you will have; you may have a child with special needs, a strong-willed child, a child you struggle to connect with a child with anxious tendencies. Your child may feel too loud or quiet for you. So different or too similar to you. You are you and they are they, and there is work involved in getting to know one another, connecting with one another, and keeping the relationship, and thus your child and yourself, in a healthy place.

What is important is acknowledging that we all have stuff to learn and unlearn in order to become better emotional labourers. It will never not be labour. Relationships are hard, full stop. Even the very best, most lovely ones. Loving, disciplining and caring for your small people is one of the very hardest of relationships.

I’ve said it before, and I will say it many more times again and again. The very best thing you can do for your child is to work on your sense of self. Understand who you are and what makes you tick. You don’t have to have it all sorted by the time they’re 5, it is a life long journey. But make sure you start it.

Get help to make sense of your own childhood, to unpack what was awesome and what was not, what might have set up some lovely relational patterns and what might have been downright abusive to you.

Parents who have done some emotional work are generally far better equipped to deal with the emotional labour when it comes to it. Just like the physical labour of childbirth is made easier by a healthy physical body which has had the benefit of good nutrition and exercise.

The emotional labour can be tough, but so worth it! The work brings the rewards along the way; shared joy, connection, and relationship as your emotional labour builds a family.

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In 2023 I would like to spend a fair amount of blog-space exploring psychological trauma and the impact it has on parenting, relationships and family life.

Trauma can be an event, but also a context. A trauma can be once-off (such as a serious car accident), or it can be an ongoing situation (such as living in an abusive household).

Whatever it is, or however long it remains, trauma is characterised by horror, helplessness, and fear. Trauma isolates and disconnects us from others because we look at the event or context and tend to blame ourselves. We question how that could have happened to us. Or, we are blamed by others for what happened. Sometimes we feel we deserved it, that we’re inherently bad because it happened to us.

No matter what happens to us in life, good or bad, we are wired to try and make sense of it. We try to fit what is happening into what we know about ourselves and the world.

When trauma happens, it can turn our whole world on its head, especially the way we view ourselves. We can end up with very faulty beliefs about who we are.

I have had several parents say things like: Why do I have to talk about what happened to me? It’s over. My children do not need to know. Why is it relevant?

In a sentence, coined by Bessel van der Kolk who has written a book by the same name, the body keeps the score. Our trauma lives in our bodies unless we actively deal with and process it.

Trauma changes the way we see the world in that what we perceived as safe, suddenly becomes unsafe to us, even people around us. Meaningful social connection is essential to our wellness, and trauma can damage our ability to connect with others because of the shame we carry.

What does this mean as a parent? If trauma is sitting in our bodies unprocessed – pushed down and away as faaaaar as it can go – we are still likely to be “triggered” at different points, perhaps even by our children. We may find ourselves unable to make a safe, deep connection with our children even as we love them dearly. We could even interpret them as a threat to ourselves when they engage in certain behaviours that unbeknownst to us, are triggers.

Children, by their demanding nature, often trigger our stress response! We operate on little sleep, we tend to all of their needs constantly in their early years. It’s relentless and stressful at times when we don’t know what we’re doing. An untraumatised parent can put these demands into perspective and find healthy ways to deal with the stress.

But for parents with previous trauma, a screaming baby can trigger a very real fear response, leading them to believe that they are in danger. Even a needy child may be perceived as a threat to a parent who was neglected as a baby.

When unprocessed trauma is expressed in parenting, what happens is the parent projects their “stuff” onto their child. Without meaning to, and often without awareness. When we live with unprocessed trauma, we are using psychological energy keeping things buried where even we can’t remember them, and this means we are not fully available for our most important relationships except maybe at quite a surface level.

If you’re a parent with trauma in your past and you’ve never dealt with it, I highly recommend finding someone you trust to start working through it with. Starting with therapy is a good idea, but add to this some creativity.

I believe there are many avenues that encourage meaningful self-reflection that can help you to get to know yourself better and take you on a journey of healing. These ideas are therapuetic, without being therapy. Some ideas are art classes, exercise groups, retreats, bookclubs…try to find somewhere to belong for yourself that will bring you joy, but also help you to move along on your journey back to finding out who you really are.

You will not only be caring for yourself, you will be working towards better, more connected relationships with others.

The post The Body keeps the Score appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

This blog is for you if you have a child back at school this week who is struggling to settle and is constantly looking to you to reassure them.

The human need for love and belonging are so primal and foundational to who we are, when it comes to not having these needs met, we do all sorts of things to ensure they are met – even if in less desirable or healthy ways for ourselves.

Children employ reassurance-seeking behaviour when they feel uncertain and are facing the unknown.

Reassurance-seeking behaviour includes an increase in their need of you, whining, asking for you to do everything with them or for them, not letting you out of their sight! They may become more sensory seeking –“Tickle me!! Wrestle me!!” or they may become withdrawn and sensory avoidant, disappearing into their own world.

If you’ve been finding yourself constantly needing to tell your child they’re ok, it’s ok, everything is going to be ok, they are most likely seeking reassurance.

BUT WHY? (Because it’s been driving me mental!)

What if beneath the reassurance-seeking behaviour their real questions are;

When I get to my classroom, am I going to feel I belong there? Will I still have the same friends as last year, am I still accepted?

Children feel reassured when they have a sense of belonging to a group. Belonging means connections have formed or are growing, and we’re ALL wired for connection. Belonging in a group brings a sense of satisfaction and security that can’t be manufactured.

Consider that at the start of each new year, children are required to adjust to a new teacher, a new class group, some of whom they know well and others they do not. The biggest lament children and even their parents have at the start of a year is not about the teacher they get, it’s about their friends not being with them in class!

Starting to build a new network of belonging is a big step for children, even if it comes fairly easily for some. It is very necessary to growth and development, but anxiety-provoking all the same. This means that they really do need your reassurance and support through the process.

WHAT CAN I DO?

Acknowledge. You could say something like: It’s hard to start new things with people you don’t know. I also feel nervous meeting new people and being in a new place. Maybe you’re not sure you’ll make friends or fit in. It’s normal to feel that way.

Build resilience and patience by helping them manage their self-expectations. You could say something like: Remember there are so many different types of people in the world. You might not find a special friend (if you want one) in the first week, or even the first term! But, you can be friendly to everyone. You can ask to play with different people and invite them to play with you too.

It takes a little while before you really feel you belong in a place. Hang in there, and I am right here to listen any time.

Keep on offering connection. Especially in the first few weeks of term, make time as much as you can to listen and talk and play with your child. Instead of coming home to switch the TV on, have a screen free evening. Go for a walk (or rather a swim in this weather!), read a book together, jump on the trampoline, arm wrestle, build Lego… Connect to show your child love, the conversation will flow more freely.

Remember that you want to have conversations with your child, and not interrogate them until they tell you everything about school! This means you go at their pace, don’t ask a million questions, be gently curious. This also works better when you’re doing something side by side; cooking, walking, reading. Face to face eye contact may feel too threatening for some children who are feeling vulnerable.

Affirm and celebrate. Tell your child you’re proud of them for any healthy steps they try to take in terms of finding belonging. Keep affirming their character and who they are. Catch them being kind or generous or joyful! Your job is to teach your child they are worth belonging, even if they don’t feel they do all the time. We’ve all had the experience of feeling “out”, but we need to know this is not an indication of our worth.

Reassurance is NOT about telling your child everything is going to be wonderful and perfect. You do not need to promise a Disney ending.

We all need reassurance at times. When do you know that you’re in a reassurance seeking state? Who do you ask for reassurance and how?

The post Reassurance Seeking: The Quest for Belonging appeared first on Linda Smallbones.