4 October 2024

I have been telling my children recently when not to be polite.

Don’t let people walk all over you – if sports is a metaphor for life…

On the sports field, don’t be polite. You don’t say “please” when trying to get the ball away from your opponent. One hockey match, I was watching my daughter’s team and all the girls on both sides were being so polite and tentative. Eventually I yelled out “Stop being polite!” If we were polite on the sports field, it would be extremely boring.

I do NOT mean that one must be a bad sportsman or woman. Be a great sportsperson, but don’t be polite. 

Sidebar (Sort of), have you seen this video of Siya and Eben? Two men who are fantastic sportsmen, but on the rugby field they are anything but polite! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjtT3ZbrfEE

Your body boundaries are yours…

Another time to not be polite is when someone is crossing your body boundaries. We teach our children to shake hands, hug and kiss relatives and adults, that to show respect they must do these things. But what if an adult crosses a child’s body boundary, their sense of what they’re comfortable with, in making physical contact?

Touch that is wanted is powerful. Photo by Ekaterina Shakharova on Unsplash

What if, instead of insisting on a particular type of contact, we have conversations with our kids about what kind of greetings they are comfortable with. We could offer two or three simple options. “We’re going to see aunty and uncle. We like to greet them by saying hello and you can choose if you want to shake hands, or give a hug, or just wave and smile at them. What would you like to do?” and then offer your support in carrying this greeting plan out.

Where possible, having a conversation with the adults in question beforehand is helpful. You can explain that you’re teaching your child about their body boundaries, and supporting their discovery of what is comfortable and not comfortable. This is especially important with neurodivergent children and children you know aren’t fond of physical contact in general.

I use this example of interactions with family as it could be a training ground for life for our children. A way to help them take ownership and responsibility for their bodies and what is OK and not OK. It may shift and change over time and with different people, and that is OK. Children know who they feel safe with and who they don’t, we need to honour and support our children’s intuition in this regard. 

NO is a full sentence

As my children head deeper into “teenagedom”, I want them to know that they do not have to be polite when it comes to others trying to cross body boundaries (or any boundaries) they are not yet ready to cross, with peers or elders. And that they can say “No”, no explanations needed. As a colleague said to me the other day when we were talking, in her family “No is a full sentence.”

So many people in positions of influence and power have abused people around them; sexually, emotionally, and spiritually. If my children feel the need to always be polite to people in power, they may also feel they cannot say no when asked to do something that goes against their values, body boundaries or sense of safety.

Being polite means we feel we have to smile and nod and say “yes, of course.” That’s what “nice” people do, right?? And who does not want to be seen as a “nice” person? The fact is, people who groom* children for abuse, are nice and they exploit children’s natural urge to be polite and respectful to their elders.

Parents can start this conversation with their children, giving them permission to not always say “yes” if they feel a boundary has been crossed in any way, or if they feel ill at ease. Teaching our children that it is OK to say “no” and then come and speak to us about it.

Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels

What do you think about “not being polite?” I would love to hear your take on this.

*Grooming is the process of an adult favouring and singling out a child and showering gifts/praise/treats/attention on them to win their trust before embarking on abusive behaviour.

The post On Not Being Polite appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

13 September 2024

Ziggy. Is the worst therapy dog in the world.

I don’t know if you have ever encountered one of those therapy dogs (or cats or horses) that assist people emotionally and physically? They are truly amazing. They are used in all sorts of different settings; old age homes, children’s homes, hospitals and in play therapy sessions.

“A therapy dog can assist a play therapist by creating an environment where young clients feel comfortable and unconditionally accepted. The dog can also act as an ice-breaker by promoting conversation and communication between the therapist and clients, creating a climate of trust and safety. A dog’s playful nature facilitates playfulness in therapy.” Dr. Sune Scholtz (Educational Psychologist)

Well, Ziggy is the opposite of the above. He is self-centered, needy, entitled and has no clue what empathy is.

Some of you and/or your children may have met Ziggy at our house. Often by mistake as he’s supposed to be indoors for the duration of play therapy sessions. But every now and then he makes a break from prison and joins us. His one redeeming feature is that he is quite cute. And most people don’t mind giving him some attention. If they do, I immediately dispatch him back to where he should be.

He has no body boundaries whatsoever.

Ziggy sitting on the cat.

Ok, so there are a couple of redeeming features of him being around during play therapy. He does create conversation. And for children who love dogs, they really do enjoy him being there and they often ask for him. Maybe his very neediness makes people feel special and wanted? Mmmm, maybe. And, once he settles down and lies on the cushion on the floor, he falls asleep and keeps us company. Until such time as we do anything active and he wants to be in on the fun!

And, of course, in his defense he has not been trained to be a therapy dog. He only knows how to Sausage Dog and he does so very well.

In our home, he does have the important role of chief live hot water bottle.

We love our pets, and Ziggy is slightly mad, but special. Even if he is the worst therapy dog in the world!

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6 September 2024

Bongekile and I have crossed paths through our working and personal lives over the last decade or so. She’s a fellow professional I respect and admire and one thing I love about her is she is always willing to try new things, she’s intentional about self-awareness and personal growth. Bongekile is a Sandplay* facilitator with Ukuthula Sandplay, a non-profit providing Silent Group Sandplay to those who would not normally be able to access therapeutic services.

*for an explanation of sandplay see the end of this article.

Let’s start at the beginning and find out more about Bongekile’s journey with sandplay and how she ended up being a facilitator.

How did you find out about Sandplay?

I saw on Facebook or LinkedIn that they were looking for Sandplay facilitators and so I signed up for the training. I was really curious about the silence of the sandplay experience. My background and training is around dealing with trauma and process facilitation, all of which involves talking, so I was curious about how this silence would work!

How was the training for you?

Before stepping into the training I knew we would be playing with sand, but I pictured us rolling in a sandpit! Then, I learned we use a sandtray and not a sandpit!

In the first session I was questioning; “Is this going to work?” I also kept thinking to myself; what do I do? Why am I doing this?

The second session I started to just be there and I stopped judging the space. I started to focus on myself. In this session I started to see how this silence and space would be helpful to others.

I had a lot of expectations going into the training, and the subsequent 6 sessions I had with Lindi. I expected there to be an interpretation of my sandtray, but this is not how the process works. The process allows the individual to find personal meaning in their sandtray.

What has the facilitation experience been like for you?

You facilitate groups of 6 people at a time. I started working with teenagers first, they definitely process a lot. You can see the changes that happen over the course of the 6 sessions. After each session, once participants have left, the facilitator takes photos of each sandtray to keep safe for them. In the final sessions, they have the opportunity to ask questions and you facilitate a reflection. At the end of 6 weeks they can request a feedback session one on one with the facilitator.

Why would you recommend sandplay as a therapeutic technique?

Each individual needs a space and silent moment to be present to themselves. A space for processing whatever comes up. Sandplay gives people space, and as you continue with sessions it becomes more of a practice everyday to be present to yourself. We live in such a fast paced world, sandplay helps you to slow down.

How do you see sandplay being relevant in a South African context?

People go through a lot, there is a lot of trauma. Mental health services are very scarce and very expensive. Sandtray contributes to the service gap in communities where there are fewer resources dedicated to mental health, it provides a way for people to safely process emotions.

Could you share a story from your experience as a facilitator?

In one group, a man in his 60’s got to week 4 of the process and commented that he always used the same miniatures in his sandtrays each week. He asked if he was maybe not creative. I told him that this is his process and that he is using what is meaningful to himself. As the 6 weeks finished off, he commented that he enjoyed the play that sandplay allowed him as an adult, saying that it had been a very long time since he had really played. He stated that when you stop playing, you enter into adulthood.

“It is so important to awaken our play!” Bongekile.

Thanks to Bongekile, Lindi and the Ukuthula Sandplay team for all the amazing work you are doing in communities.

Information about Ukuthula Sandplay

Anyone can benefit from a sandplay session. It is gentle and non-invasive. The individual sets their own pace and makes their own creation in the sandtray.

To find out more about Ukuthula’s work, have a look at their lovely website https://ukuthulasandplay.com/

You can book sandplay sessions for yourself, or for a group. Contact Lindi on [email protected]

You can make more therapy available to those who wouldn’t normally be able to afford mental health services by making a donation to Ukuthula. There are ways to donate on the website https://ukuthulasandplay.com/get-involved/

What is Sandplay?

Sandplay is a therapeutic technique where each participant has a sandtray (pictured below), full of sand. They have access to numerous miniatures and they create a scene with their chosen miniatures in their sandtray. Ukuthula uses the Silent Group Sandplay method, up to 6 participants at a time working on their sandtrays.

“Sandplay, as a non-verbal, non-invasive expressive, creative activity is effective for internal processing, and activating and supporting emotional and psychological healing. Sandplay facilitates a sense of calmness, and increased awareness, activates a desire to play, and cooperativeness and supports integration and a sense of belonging.” Ukuthula website.

The post An Interview with a Sandplay Facilitator: Bongekile Ngcobo appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

3o August 2024

The Brene Brown quote I used in my blog on Being Deeply Human,  got me thinking about the concept of mastery and how important it is in the development of a child. I thought it might be useful to explore a bit more.

First, here’s that quote:

“It may seem counterintuitive, but one of the biggest barriers to working toward mastery is perfectionism. In our leadership research, we’ve learned that achieving mastery requires curiosity and viewing mistakes and failures as opportunities for learning. Perfectionism kills curiosity by telling us that we have to know everything or we risk looking ‘less than.’ Perfectionism tells us that our mistakes and failures are personal defects, so we either avoid trying new things or we barely recover every time we inevitably fall short.” Brene Brown in Atlas of the Heart (2021)

Mastery is defined as knowledge and skill that allows you to do or understand something very well, or to have complete control over something.

A psychological definition of mastery is to have an inner sense of competence. The inner voice that says “You got this.” or a satisfied “I did that!”

Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash

Born to master

Toddlers rate themselves. They show a good deal of pleasure when they have been trying to do something and eventually master it. It’s a beautiful thing when you see their inner sense of competence through their words and actions “I did it!”

My son’s phrase as a toddler was “Do it ‘self” – because he knew he could, and he did. Sometimes he did take it too far, like when he was on his Papi’s lap in the game reserve “driving” and told Papi to take his hands off the steering wheel because “I know what I’m doing.” He was two! Like I said, toddlers rate themselves.

Children’s natural curiosity enables them to master as many things as they can, a handy thing, as in the first 5 years of life they learn an extraordinary number of skills.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The struggle is needed

In general, adults do too many things for children, hover too closely when they are playing, ready to catch them at the first sign of a wobble, and intervene too quickly in normal childhood spats with siblings or friends. We intervene before it is actually necessary and potentially prevent mastery from being achieved. If there is no struggle with a new skill, they never fully achieve that inner sense of competence. The  result of this is that the child feels they can’t do anything alone, and emotionally they tend to be anxious and needy. They don’t feel competent or self-confident.

I was talking to a caregiver recently who confessed that she used to jump up to help her 8 year old grandson with whatever he asked her to do, even if it inconvenienced her. She did this out of love and a desire to nurture. He would ask for something, like a glass of water from the kitchen, and she would get it. She started to realise this was creating a dependence and contributing to spoiling him and so she has stopped doing for the child what he can actually do for himself. We talked about the fact that every now and then there is no harm in doing something out of a place of nurturing, even when children can do it themselves. This might be doing a little more for them when they are sick, or when they’ve had a really tough time, but not recommended as a daily occurrence.

Struggle vs. Frustration

Violet Oaklander writes that mastery requires some struggle on the part of the child. “ A baby learns from struggle, and with each mastery experience develops the strength to deal with frustration.”  from Hidden Treasure: A Map to the Child’s Inner Self.  (2007) She states that it is important to differentiate between struggle and frustration, that when frustration starts to become evident, extra support be offered – in order to help the child on their road to mastery.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Here’s an example of the difference between struggle and frustration. A little girl of 8 years old sits in Maths class and doesn’t get what everyone else seems to be getting, her struggle is real but she keeps on, trying to get it. As time in the lesson goes on, her struggle escalates into frustration which manifests in tears. The teacher notices the tears to ask her what she is crying about and laughs at her for crying about Maths. Is there any mastery experienced for this child in this lesson? No, certainly not. And neither is there any support in her experience of frustration.

Mastery is about mistakes, not perfection

We can support children by helping them recognise where their personal limits are – what is your child’s “I did it!” right now? It is going to be different from someone else’s. For example, mastery for a grade one ‘neurotypical’ child is different for a grade one who is on the autism spectrum.

Sometimes we have to help children see the difference between what they can realistically do and what they think others expect of them.

Mastery is about the individual’s sense of competence, not about how perfectly they have performed. And, it includes the mistakes made along the way!

Your role as a caregiver or parent in the struggle is to notice there is a struggle, and to assess how you can best support in the moment; maybe it’s to be an empathic support, maybe it’s to step in when you can see they’re moving into frustration, maybe it’s to be a strong advocate on their behalf.

Ultimately, here is a good rule of thumb; don’t do for your child what they can do for themselves.

The post Mastery: the struggle towards growth and development appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

23 August 2024

For parents who have worked hard to teach their children right from wrong, when they become aware their child has been lying and/or stealing, it’s a massive shock. Understandably, they move through a range of reactions; anger, shame, disbelief and this most often results in a punishment of the behaviour. No doubt about it, it is really hard to deal with your child being deceitful.

What if lying and/or stealing is not a moral issue, but an emotional and personal identity issue? 

Lying and the sense of self

Violet Oaklander, founder of Gestalt Play Therapy, says the following about children who lie.

When children’s sense of self is poor, telling lies may help them feel more important and impressive in a given situation. Self-doubt, feelings of inadequacy and even guilt and shame can cause children to weave fantasies so that they don’t have to face their reality. Lying behaviours may develop in order for the child to preserve themselves in an environment where there is inconsistent care, or harsh, unrealistic expectations. What do I do if I will simply never measure up and I know I will be punished for this? I’ll just create the fantasy that I have, and will work to convince everyone of it, including myself.

Lying as a trauma response

Robbyn Gobbel has created this infographic, a perspective on lying as a response to trauma. (Simply click to view)

Lying-Infographic_pdf

What Gobbel says is “Ultimately it almost always comes down to it’s NOT SAFE to tell the truth.”

We’re wired for connection, we’re wired to belong in the group, and we will do whatever it takes to stay in a place of fitting in. Even if it means lying or stealing.

Photo by PIRO4D on Pixabay

Lying as a learned response

Please remember, if you periodically lie to others to cover your own bases, your children will copy your behaviour. They also know when you are lying to them, or they are at least suspicious of it when it’s happening. This breaks trust and also sends a message that deception is OK.

Lying as developmentally appropriate behaviour

Also remember, some lying and/or stealing is a normal part of children’s development, because they really want something, or they want to avoid getting into trouble. Also, testing boundaries and even parent’s reactions with various behaviours is completely normal. I’m referring to stealing sugar from the sugar bowl and lying about it, or taking their siblings things without asking and blaming someone else.

How do we deal with lying and stealing?

If your child, or a child in your class, is caught out stealing or caught out in a blatant lie that is beyond what is developmentally normal or innocent, what do you do?

Please do not ever do this…

Firstly, please do not name and shame them. Yes, the behaviour is wrong and consequences are needed. But there are ways to go about working with the child in the situation without shaming them. Assume you don’t know the whole story yet. Assume it is a bad choice in the moment, and be curious and compassionate first, rather than jumping to conclusions.

Do not act out or punish in anger. A trip to the police station with the child to show them what will happen if they continue on this path will not work. Making a child stand on their desk, pointing your finger at them and telling the whole class what a thief they are will also not work. Both of these scenarios have happened to children I know. It still breaks my heart.

Has it ever achieved your objectives to “make an example” of a child who has been deceptive? If it has, have you ever thought about the cost to the child’s inner world? These types of naming and shaming practices do nothing but destroy and shame children and young people. It has to stop.

Try this, instead.

Try to be calm and non-judgmental. Give consequences in line with your home rules or school policy, after some time and consideration. Most children know they are in the wrong and already feel ashamed about it, they don’t need insults or judgments heaped upon them.

In schools, follow procedure and explain to the child what the procedure is along the way. Build relationship, listen, spend time learning about the child’s context and support system. Assume that it may be very, very broken. Or it may be very harsh with many unrealistic expectations which the child can’t hope to meet and so lying becomes a way of coping.

Dig deeper and find out what caused the child to need to lie in the first place. Locating root cause, bringing it into a place of safe, warm light even though that may be painful for the child, will cause the lying and stealing behaviour to cease. If the need to be deceptive is no long there, it simply won’t happen anymore.

At home, make more time for connection and relationship. Don’t reject your child in anger, they need you more, not less in this time.

Affirm the child for who they are and keep on calling out their strengths, rather than focusing only on what they achieve. This is especially necessary if deceptive behaviour has become a habit. The habit is being sustained for a reason and may involve abuse and trauma. Professional help may be indicated where there has been significant stress, compulsive or worrying behaviour, or trauma.

The post When kids lie and steal: And how adults can respond appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

24 June 2024

Just a reminder about the Journalling Taster online tomorrow night!

The post Coming up tomorrow! appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

17 June 2024

UNICEF recently released this very powerful video. They asked children to act like their parents and they videoed them. Their parents then watched the videos and for many it was a very confronting experience.

https://fb.watch/sLwSyJDuBq/

If this was your child, how would they be imitating you?

In South Africa it’s the Winter holidays, a chance for things to slow down for a few weeks. How would you like to do things differently with your children this holiday? You may have to work, but you can still make time. And this will make a huge difference to them.

Photo by Jessie Shaw on Unsplash

The post What children say about their parents appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

15 March 2024

“Our hearts are broken about things that are broken…” Jennie Allen.

This has been resounding in my soul ever since I read it. I have times of feeling heartbroken for people and situations who are broken, including myself, I think most of us do.  None of is completely whole all of the time.

If this is you right now, I see you.

Here is the rest of the quote.

“…and we need people to be with us in it and not to just fix the problem. But to feel what it is we’re going through.” Jennie Allen

Be as broken as you might need to be, but share it with someone. Someone you know will really listen, not try and fix it, but hear you and see you.

Photo by Josue Escoto on Unsplash

With all of my love and compassion,

Linda  

 

The post Broken things appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

19 January 2024

I have been dying to introduce you to the person behind the photos you can find throughout my website. The photos of me, my play room in Howick and also all the stunning photos of The Journalling Workshop held in Feb 2023 which have been on my social media feeds were all taken by Lexi.

Photos taken by Lexi at the very first Journalling Workshop

Lexi is a treasure, a friend and a talented photographer. She’s a brilliant, in-tune mom with two kids she homeschools. I love the thoughtfulness and creativity she brings to whatever she does. When we were talking about her photography, what struck me is how Lexi sees photography as connection.

She cares about the hearts of the people she is photographing and is sensitive to people’s needs. She loves getting to photograph weddings of couples who are joy-filled and in love, focused on building a marriage beyond the wedding and not only having a ‘perfect’ day.

When Lexi came to photograph the Journalling Workshop, she was such a peaceful presence for me. She moved around the room so sensitively and took the most beautiful photos. I treasure these as a beautiful reminder of a significant day in my life.

As well as photographing weddings and families, Lexi specializes in interiors and architecture. She loves beautiful spaces with good light. And I can attest to the fact that she makes spaces look great! Check out her work on architecture at alexisdiack.co.za.

If you’d like to see Lexi’s other work; weddings, families, couples and much more, you can check out alexisdiack.com. If you’re looking for someone to work with who listens, builds relationship and who cares you will not regret setting up a meeting with Lexi for your next photoshoot!

A Story of Caution to end…

I asked Lexi’s permission to share this story because it’s so relevant and the more we build awareness and talk about it the better. Lexi shared that she has been putting together an online photography class for adolescent home schoolers. In the process of doing some research she searched the internet with an entirely innocent search phrase related to photoshop. What popped up was pornography. This lead to Lex and her husband double checking and improving the safety on their devices.

In this story is a caution and a reminder. It doesn’t take a search for porn to bring porn up onto the screen, unwelcomed! Thankfully it was Lexi who was exposed, and not either of her children. Put restrictions on all devices. Even if you have them, check them periodically. Don’t allow children to search the internet (even if it’s maths homework) unsupervised, make it a rule to have screentime in communal areas of your home and not in bedrooms.

UPCOMING EVENTS

Speaking of the Journalling Workshop… the next one is coming up on 3 Feb. If you are a journallor and would love a fun, creative morning of self-care, come along! If you have never journalled but you’d like to find out more, come along! No experience necessary. You can read more about my journalling workshops here.

The post Introducing Photographer Lexi Diack appeared first on Linda Smallbones.

1 December 2023

The theme of the last month in my play therapy work has very much been around helping children of all ages prepare for and negotiate change. It is a feature of year endings that there are shifts and changes of different kinds. Moving to a new town, new school, new province or even a new country – it all seems to be happening!

Personally, this is an emotional week…our son leaves Primary school and starts High School next year. It has been a couple of weeks of “lasts”. His last cricket match for the 1^st team which he has loved being a part of. His last set of Primary school exams. He is currently experiencing “leavers week”, planned activities geared towards good endings, some life skills, some thinking of others, and lots of fun. I love the concept of a leavers week for these young people, it’s a real landmark in their year that helps them get ready to say goodbye.

When the landscape is changing, identify some landmarks on the way

So, here’s my first offer of advice or something to think about if you’re negotiating change. Ensure you allow for a landmark or two. Get your children involved in contributing to what your landmark goodbye visits or events could be. Visit favourite places that have happy memories. Throw a farewell party with friends and family. Make sure you take photos so that you have a collection of memories you can look back on and remember together. Be intentional to think through what is realistic and possible with the time and energy you have available.

Change is exhausting, give yourself a break

Because let’s face it, change is exhausting even when it’s good change. There are many decisions to be made, there may be many unknowns. There may be twinges of guilt, regret, and self-doubt “Are we really doing the right thing here? Is this change worth it?” If you can see these feelings as part of the change process, you’ll be able to roll with it much better. It’s normal to be on a bit of a roller coaster. Things might be going well, or they might not. And in the middle of it all you have your children and their emotions to deal with. And unless I’m much mistaken, this is where our guilty feelings and self-doubt about our decisions can come in the most!

Lisa Dion, founder of Synergetic Play Therapy Institute, describes the unknown as a threat to the brain. She says that the unknown itself is not necessarily the scary part, but the perceptions we have about the unknown because we project past experiences onto the future. And usually, we project negative experiences. Ironically, this is the brains way of trying to keep us safe, sending out warnings: “Don’t go there, it’s not safe! Remember what happened before? It’s going to happen again!”

It’s important to remember that what happened before might not have been a trauma or anything terribly dramatic, but it may have involved change with a sense of isolation and loneliness for a while. Or strong feelings of sadness and even regret. When you move to a new place where you don’t know anyone, feeling lonely and isolated are part of the process of the change. This is not a threat, it simply doesn’t feel nice.

We unconsciously project a lot of assumptions onto the unknown. Lisa Dion’s advice is that we make the unknown known.

Spend as much time as you can unpacking what the “new” will look like with your child. Walk around their new school, try to meet their new teacher, drive by the new home you’ve bought. If you’re emigrating, Google Earth is a great tool for being able to have a bird’s eye view of your new town or house. Read up and watch videos about the place you’re going to, find out about the local wildlife or tourist spots, look for activities that match your child’s interests and talk to them about the possibilities.

Bridges of change

Bridges are transition spaces. A bridge takes you from one side to another, it could be really short or really long. The longer it is, the more likely the new reality on the other side will be very different. In a recent session I drew a bridge of change and talked through it with a child. The left side of the bridge was the present and the right side was what is to come in 2024. We marked on the bridge some of the landmarks that were planned or had happened; farewell party, class party and other fun goodbyes. Moving into 2024, we noted landmarks such as starting at the new school and moving into the new house. Underneath the bridge were a collection of the child’s felt experiences, feelings and hopes. We talked about how big changes give us lots of different feelings and even uncomfortable sensations in our bodies – such as a sore tummy. This child’s beautifully expressed hope in all the confusion and hardship was “Not walking the bridge alone. I’m with my family.”

Name of school edited out to protect confidentiality

You are your child’s anchor in times of change

Keep on caring for yourself and preparing yourself for the change so that you can help walk across this bridge of change with your child.

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